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Looking for some advice please, awful situation

(20 Posts)
ummmmmmmm Sun 10-Jul-11 20:18:03

Sorry if that sounds a bit dramatic. I thought this would be the best spot to come to for advice. Am a regular and have namechanged for what I hope are obvious reasons.

I've just had some pretty devastating news from a friend.

I can't go into massive detail She has basically had to run away from her abusive boyfriend. He physically abused her little girl (pre school age). I am sorry to say I just lost it down the phone when she told me.

Not helpful I know but she has been warned and warned by me and other friends, Police have been involved before, but every bloody time she has let him back in because he apologises (classic abuser tactic).

I calmed down and reassured her she had done the right thing (she has gone back to her family who are being very supportive - different country). I have said to her to just concentrate on herself and her little girl and not worry about anything else andrely on her family for support and help. I know she is in a bad way and I feel terrible for her.

She is a a very needy and vulnerable person and tbh I haven't been in touch as much as I should. I feel dreadful about that. Really really terrible.

She is talking about going back to him. I just feel so so angry and impotent. I could cheerfully kill this bloke with my bare hands tbh (of course I won't). I want to report him to the police but would they take any notice? (I know she hasn't).

Is there anything I can do to help? Should I do anything?

UsingMainlySpells Sun 10-Jul-11 20:20:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UsingMainlySpells Sun 10-Jul-11 20:21:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ummmmmmmm Sun 10-Jul-11 20:23:15

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I have referred her to Womens Aid - she just says what can they do.

Her family seem to be dealing with it really well, they have basically closed ranks around her and are abiding by a policy of no contact. One message sent saying do not contact her again.

He has of course been in touch going on about how sorry he is, the piece of shit angry

PerAr6ua Sun 10-Jul-11 20:27:35

There's nothing you can do for her if she doesn't want to be helped I'm afraid. You can however report the abuse of the child the the police and/or Social Services - maybe if she was presented with a choice of keeping her daughter or going back to him she might think deeper?

And has she explored any of the literature? 'Why does he do that' is a good eye-opener. But if she really wants to pretend it's not happening there's sod all you can do there except maybe be there when/if she wakes up? Sorry...

ummmmmmmm Sun 10-Jul-11 20:32:20

I did actually say that to her PerAr6ua. I don't know anything except his first name and what town he lives in.

She met him online. I said give me his username, I will report him. She said she couldn't remember it.

I don't know if its sinking in, I really don't.

She was going on about her stuff being left behind. I pointed out that it really doesn't matter, things can be replaced.

ummmmmmmm Sun 10-Jul-11 20:34:47

I know there's not much I can do really, but I do appreciate your comments, thank you.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Mon 11-Jul-11 12:36:25

Is she in the UK? I hope this has been reported to the police. They will involve Social services who will ensure this child is protected if she can't. Oh dear sad

ummmmmmmm Mon 11-Jul-11 17:12:40

She isn't in the UK any more - her family live abroad and she's with them.

Could I report this? Would anyone listen?

I know this man's name and where he lives (as in town, not actual address...she won't give details).

ummmmmmmm Mon 11-Jul-11 17:14:47

She hasn't reported to the police.

She was saying she wants to contact him and find out if he is ok, which I must admit I am finding very, very hard to understand.

HerBeX Mon 11-Jul-11 18:19:44

you could offer to pick up her stuff for her to find out where he lives. Then report him to the police, they would do something about this.

Have you used the word paedophile to her? It seems very very strange that she is so indifferent to her daughter being sexually abused, that she is even thinking of going back to him. What country does she come from? Most British people, when confronted with the word "peedo" would do anything to get away from that situation. She obviously doesn't feel the same frisson of horror that most people would, when facing up to the fact that their boyfriend is a paedophile. The thing is, even if she doesn't go back to him, he will abuse another little girl. sad

ummmmmmmm Mon 11-Jul-11 19:02:32

It's not sexual abuse HerBex but it's bad enough.

I am really, really concerned about the fact her could do this to another vulnerable family but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to go into details but it is nasty, classic abuser stuff.

I don't want to go into details (very distressing), suffice to say that it was a violent over-reaction to what is very normal toddler behaviour.

Her reaction to all of this, tbh, I find it very disturbing and upsetting. She just doesn't seem to 'get' how serious and awful this all is.

Me and other friends have warned her, offered support, encouraged her to break contact...she cries and agrees how awful it all is and then just just goes back to him.

HerBeX Mon 11-Jul-11 19:19:11

Oh sorry, for some reason i'd assumed sexual abuse.

Physical abuse is something that so many poeple are so inured to, that they don't notice how bad it is.

ummmmmmmm Mon 11-Jul-11 19:59:57

That's ok, thank you for replying.

I agree physicaly abuse is maybe not taken so seriously, but this would definitely be on the more serious end of the scale. Especially when you think that the perprator was a grown man and who the victim was.

It keeps haunting me how terrified she must have been. I cannot get the images out of my head. She is only just starting to verbalise FFS sad and angry

I don't know who to speak to. He should be reported but what on earth can I say? I don't want to further traumatise my friend and especially not her daughter. Plus they are not in the country any more.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Mon 11-Jul-11 20:10:54

Are they likely to come back? Do you think the girl is likely to be in danger? I think you should report it to the police, myself.

ummmmmmmm Mon 11-Jul-11 20:49:05

I agree. How to do it so its taken seriously? And what should I do/say? As I say I only have details above.

ummmmmmmm Mon 11-Jul-11 20:50:25

No, I think for the moment at least she will be staying put.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Mon 11-Jul-11 21:19:21

Do you know the details of what he did? If you have the name they can probably find him. I think you need to.

ummmmmmmm Mon 11-Jul-11 21:40:36

I have only his first name and where he lives. She won't give me any more details.

This all sounds like the plot of some bad novel.doesn't it. All true unfortunately sad

ummmmmmmm Mon 11-Jul-11 21:42:28

I feel like I must do something. Lots to think about. Thanks everyone for your advice, I will check back later.

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