Accountability Thread

[Frestelli]

I've struggled with my weight since 2011. I was burning out, working out a lot, eating 'clean' but constantly obsessing and criticising myself. Scrolling through tumblr fitspo posts and all that ridiculous shit.

I remember literally snapping one day when I was at home alone and going out to Gregg's spending the best part of a tenner on doughnuts and pasties and then eating the whole lot. I've slipped and slid into very poor lifestyle, diet, exercise choices ever since that day, I fight back and exercise and eat healthily but it is always a battle and inactivity and over eating has so far always won and I am sick of it!

I've never honestly spoken about any of this. I've withdrawn from social events because of it, and looking back on old photos when I was in the height of body shaming and obsessing over myself I am bloody gorgeous. Which makes me so sad! DH thinks I am gorgeous whenever, which is so lovely to have, might I add.

I want to use this thread to open up about me, my journey and try and heal myself and get back to a healthy weight, slowly and steadily and being mindful, not obsessive.

I'd say I was 4 stone overweight at the worst, I'm now approx 2 stone over where I'd happily be, and that is a stone more than I was when I was obsessed with being skinny.

Currently 12st 8. I'm 34 I have two children, 9yo dd and 16 month old dd. I'm breastfeeding which is a whole other issue I have with trying to lose weight ha! I breastfed my first for 6 months, and the weight fell off after I stopped, granted I was heavily restricting and walking miles with the pram every day at that point.

Thanks for reading this far, I'm on the October 7 lbs thread and exploring the 'No S Diet' too.

[Frestelli]

I had a great weekend, enjoyed my meals and felt empowered when I didn't snack, binge, drink at all. I was with my family and kept busy and felt really positive.

It's just me and the baby at home today and I have this creeping feeling of sadness and uselessness. I measured my waist (this is where I store most of my fat) and it's 35 inches still. It's always 35 inches. I knew it would be before I measured it. It's made me feel really horrible about myself.

I weighed myself last week and I was 12 st 13 1/4 lbs. On Saturday I weighed 12 st 8lbs and this morning I am 12st 10lbs. Not sure what happened on Saturday but I am glad I'm not 12 st 13 again!

12st 13 and a 35 inch waist has been my life the past year it seems.

I am determined to change these numbers now though. Writing things down here make them real, and next Monday I will come back and chart my waist measurement and by hook or by crook it will be less than 35! Even 34.999999 would be better!

The nosdiet.com has been a revelation to me, and inside I feel this ball of positivity that I know it is the right thing for me to do. Back when I was much younger I followed this lifestyle without even thinking! Poor body image after pregnancy and underlying self esteem issues has completely skewed my perception of reality regarding how to eat in the last few years. I'm remembering how I was before these problems hit, and I'm finding I can do it again!

A small person has just started yelling so I will break off here, but will be back.

[Frestelli]

Stopping snacking is feeling a lot like stopping smoking. I managed, after many attempts and through brute psychological strength, to completely disentangle myself from tobacco addiction. I've not smoked in four years now, and never ever want another fag as long as I live. If I can do that with cigarettes, I can do it with food.

I think I replaced cigarettes with snacks to some degree and in my changing my food habits and making sure I focus on enjoying three filling, nutritious meals a day, my nutritional need for snacks will become obselete and I can then begin to work on the emotional factors knowing I'm wanting to fill a void other than hunger.

I feel quite emotionally raw today actually. I've not been stuffing my emotions down with food, and so inevitably, I'm feeling them more. Tears have come today and I'm facing up to various parts of my life that need to be tended.

[Frestelli]

I ate 3 weetabix, banana and semi milk for breakfast.
For lunch I had a can of mackerel in evoo and salad leaves, tomato and cucumber with a wholemeal pitta.
Dinner was a stir fry with plenty of veg, Quorn chicken pieces and basmati rice. All good hearty portions and eating til I felt satisfied. Quite often I recognise that full signal I'm attempting to be more mindful of, but my jaws don't want to stop chewing and my hands don't want to stop working and so I take a deep breath and chew past the satisfaction zone into something more like discomfort but safe, warm, stuffed and squashed. I haven't done that since last week.