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How to get over vows anxiety?

(18 Posts)
Opheliasgoldenwine Tue 05-Dec-17 23:54:27

DP and I have been talking and staring to properly plan our wedding. I have anxiety and the thought of doing my vows in front of people makes me want to be sick. I want to be able to do it but I don't know how without having a panic attack. Did anyone else feel like this, and if so, how did you get over it?

Hiphopopotamus Tue 05-Dec-17 23:56:12

What is it about the vows that scares you? Is it the public speaking or the promises themselves?

If it’s the public speaking how about a proper run through at your rehearsal (if you’re having one) A sort of dummy run?

Opheliasgoldenwine Wed 06-Dec-17 00:28:39

Public speaking smile

Twitchingdog Wed 06-Dec-17 00:31:44

You are saying your vows to your
Husband to be nobody else just look into his eyes and say them to him . It does not aunt hidia down the back cant hear them they are not for her.

hollowtree Wed 06-Dec-17 00:38:32

This is going to sound so awful so stay with me... when my DH and I were planning our wedding and I thought about our vows, I was terrified that I would go to say the words and they wouldn't come out because I 'didn't mean them'. I believe in God and wanted a Church wedding to make our vows in his presence, and was terrified that deep down I might realise I didn't mean them and God would know.

I had had a 3 year engagement to an ex partner fall through and I think I was just terrified that I may have got it wrong again. But when I walked down the aisle and saw my partner there, I couldn't get to him quick enough to make those vows!

This huge sense of peace just washed over me and I suddenly realised how overwhelmed with love I was and how silly I had been to worry. I meant every word from the bottom of my heart and I've never looked back.

What I'm saying is, don't let nerves get the better of you! When the time comes, you'll just be glad to say the words. Congratulations!

allthatmalarkey Wed 06-Dec-17 02:27:19

I've felt like this about public speaking. Have you had any chance to practice public speaking? I actually had CBT for social anxiety which really helped and one of the things the therapist got me to do was prepare a talk which I had to do for her and the receptionist. Going through it in a safe environment like that meant it wasn't such a leap to doing proper public speaking. By the time I did my vows, I was nervous, but nothing out of the ordinary. Could you get a couple of mates to sit and be your vows audience and break it down bit by bit so you have the time to get over each thing that gives you anxiety before having to tackle the next thing? Also, I would use any opportunity between now and the wedding to practice speaking in front of people in situations you find a bit (but not too) challenging. Build up slowly from the easy things. E.g. if you work, are you the one that never says anything in meetings. Lastly just remember that your wedding is all about you be your beloved. Everyone has turned up to support you. IME everyone just wants the day to be happy for you. If you mess up saying your vows people will indulge you, you'll get a laugh of sympathy. Good luck OP.

PastaOfMuppets Wed 06-Dec-17 02:51:54

I brought beta blockers with me as I was getting ready, because I have extreme fear of public speaking. But I had a few glasses of champagne while getting make up done, and felt elated - all went perfectly.

NeverUseThisName Wed 06-Dec-17 07:26:13

We decided that that our wedding was not a performance. Our guests were there to witness and share our joy, not as an audience. So we did not learn our vows by heart. Instead we printed them on card and read them to each other. And, yes, sometimes nerves made us stumble, but we just looked into each other's eyes, steadied each other, felt the love, and went on at our comfortable pace.

At a church wedding, are you allowed to write your own vows? We had a civil wedding, and writing our own vows to speak with the legal vows, made it very special. We were able to say what we really meant, and knew that we were speaking from our hearts.

Enjoy your wedding. It is both serious and joyful, public and private, outward-looking and intimate.

Anatidae Wed 06-Dec-17 07:32:04

Do you need to do them?

Our wedding was basically ‘do you?’ Yes. Do you? Yes.

And that was it. We still seem to be married ;)

Your wedding shouldn’t be stressing you out, if there’s something you don’t want to do, then don’t do it. There’s so much fluff and extra shit around weddings. The core of it is making a commitment to the partner and getting the legal stuff done. That can be done in many ways - do what stresses you least.

I have diagnosed social anxiety and am terrified of public speaking. Our wedding was medium sized and all people we know well but I was still terrified before. On the day itself we had a couple of glasses of champagne getting ready in all honesty I was so happy and so excited I wasn’t even aware of who else was in the room by the time I got there I said my vows no problem. I don’t remember any of it, it all went by in a blur but I do remember feeling almost like dh and I were the only people there. They excitement carried me through.

TrinityBelle Wed 06-Dec-17 07:50:35

I was like you, Ophelia. I felt I'll at the thought of doing that before I realised I was making my vows to my partner, not the church congregation. I was still nervous on the day but I had a couple of glasses of champagne before I left the house. To my great surprise, the actual wedding ceremony and making my vows were the best part of the whole day. I really enjoyed it. I hope you will too.

NeverUseThisName Wed 06-Dec-17 15:21:50

Anatidae makes a very good point. What would be better for you? What would you feel represented best what your wedding service means to you? Do you actually have to say anything complicated, or does "I do" sum it all up for you?

BTW I've never been to a wedding where neither bride nor groom made any mistakes. The stammer, the muddled words, the hoarse voice, all emphasise the depth of feeling and sincerity felt by them.

Opheliasgoldenwine Wed 06-Dec-17 15:42:46

Church wedding so I assume it's the whole 'repeat after me' 30-lines-long rigamarole. I think it's partly with the amount of people that will be there. Between 300-400, definitely closer to 400 I believe. Most of them will be on DP's side; I'll have about 10. DP's family is massive and I do understand that he needs to invite them all; my family is tiny. It's a lot of people to do it in front ofsad

NeverUseThisName Wed 06-Dec-17 17:07:08

You'll have your backs to them. As far as you are concerned it will be just you, dh2b and the priest.

lorelairoryemily Wed 06-Dec-17 17:30:18

I got married in September and I hate being the centre of attention, I was really anxious about my entrance, we had 120 people, church wedding. When I got to the church I honestly didn't care about anyone but dh and he never took his eyes off me while we were saying our vows so I completely forgot anyone else was there and it was perfect and I was absolutely fine, Don't worry, you'll be fine on the day!! I was a wreck thinking about it and it really was fine! Good luck!!

Lules Wed 06-Dec-17 17:40:02

I got married in a very large church, fair number of guests, tourists wandering in and out. The world could have ended and as long as my husband and the priest were still there I wouldn’t have noticed when I was saying my vows. I’ve never experienced anything like it.

allthatmalarkey Wed 06-Dec-17 23:29:01

I second beta blockers.

Somerville Wed 06-Dec-17 23:33:06

That's a huge amount of guests. And a large disparity between your guests and his.
I think you should keep it (much) smaller. Only invite his family who you know well, not hundreds of strangers.

Since it's a church wedding, you should talk to the priest or Vicar about your nerves. They'll be used to helping with advice and run-throughs and reassurance. smile

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