Family Etiquette

[MercuryBrown]

My oldest sister is getting married. She has asked my two other sisters to be bridesmaid but purposefully left me out. My other two siblings didn't mention they were in the wedding party, I found out because the bridesmaids (8 of them) were listed on the invitation I received. I am very hurt by this and I'm thinking of declining the invite. I would ask my mother to speak to her but my mother unfortunately has severe Alzheimer's. I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to seem petty by declining the invite but don't really want to constantly come up with an excuse as to why I'm not involved. I have two children but so does one of my other sisters. Why would you guys do? Would you attend and grit your teeth or would you decline?

[AuntieStella]

I would attend my DSis's wedding regardless.

Because the day isn't about me. And I like a nice family gathering, where there will be lots of people I like to catch up with.

[GastonsPomPomWrath]

You're really thinking of declining the invitation to your sisters wedding because you didn't 'get' bridesmaid? I'm sorry but bloody man up. It's not about you.

[Savagebeauty]

Why can't you speak to your sister? Why on earth would you ask your mother???

[MercuryBrown]

I'm not thinking of declining it because I am not a Bridesmaid. There are lunches and dinners planned for the days before and after it that are for family and wedding party. I have been notified that the invite doesn't extend to me. It will be awkward traveling to a different state to a wedding where I can't even spend much time with my family because I've been excluded from pretty much everything

[meditrina]

"but don't really want to constantly come up with an excuse as to why I'm not involved"

Why would you need an excuse? If anyone mentioned it (is that even likely?), all you need say is "I really don't know, you'll need to ask DSis"

[MercuryBrown]

I said I would NOT ask my mother because she has Alzheimer's. I cannot talk to my sister about it because she doesn't want to talk about it. I asked about it politely and the question was ignored and she moved on to other things. There is no point bringing it up repeatedly.

[TheGoodEnoughWife]

I wouldn't go, I get the whole it is her day ect. However she has made it clear how she feels about you, she has left you out on purpose when there are 8(!) bridesmaids?

Just because people are family doesn't mean they can't do hurtful things and also doesn't mean you should continue trying to be all happy when she has blatantly done something to hurt you.

Wish her well and decline

[AuntieStella]

Then don't go.

You've been invited to the single most important event, and surely it must be possible to arrange your travel so you are not hanging round for days longer than you need.

But if you don't want to do that it's OK to decline. It wouldn't be my choice, but it's a perfectly good option.

[Sunbeam1112]

It sounds like your not very close OP. Could it be that your sister is closer to your other two. At my brother wedding, i was the only family member not to be involved in the wedding party my brother was best man and son was page boy. I still went tho and enjoyed the day. If its upset you ask her but to not go is silly.

[BasinHaircut]

that is just plain nasty, unless there is a long and convoluted back story, which I suspect there is.

[hugoagogo]

Are you in the U.S.? I know nothing about American weddings except from films, but it sounds like your sister's wedding is going on over a few days with rehearsal dinners and so on as well as the main event? Is that right?

In that case I can understand why you are worried about answering questions about not being invited to all parts of the celebrations.

Do you have a good relationship with your sisters generally?

[MercuryBrown]

We had an argument a year and a half ago about how to take care of my mother. My other sisters agreed with me but wouldn't say anything to her because she is the oldest. I was the dummy that spoke up to try and get my mother better medical care and she got upset. Getting my mother better medical care involves moving her away from my eldest sister. Which in turn means my mother will no longer be a cash cow for my eldest sister. My mother money should go towards her treatments and taking care of her. She has missed months of medication because my eldest sister won't refill the meds she will instead spent the money on getting herself Michael Kors purses or fancy shoes. I disagreed and opted to have her move closer to one of my other sisters (she lives closest to one of the best neurological clinics), this sister also wants my mother to love in with her and her family. She is just too afraid to say it to my eldest sister.

[Sunbeam1112]

I think the fact that your relationship has been strained would be why your not bridesmaid. I would sugget still going. You save yourself the expenses that come with being in a bridesmaid.

[florentina1]

It seems that you are in a no-win situation here. Your sister is trying to punish you for standing up to her.

She thinks that by leaving you out of all the family events she will be able to humiliate you. Possibly she is hoping you will refuse to go.

I would say, just don't engage with the nastiness. Go to the wedding, be the bigger person, smile, ask people how they enjoyed the events. You will both be judged on your behaviour. She will be exposed for her nastiness, and you will be shown as a dignified and generous spirited human person.

That alone will royally piss her off. Revenge is very sweet.

[BasinHaircut]

Ahh ok that's the reason then. she sounds like a dick.

Be the bigger person and go, hold your head up, and have a nice time. Direct all questions about why you aren't a BM to your sister.