Two weddings - terminal illness in family

[BathildaBagshot]

We got engaged in March and don't want to get married until we have bought a house and saved up - so are happy to wait a couple if years.

However, my darling nan has terminal cancer and has just been told she has 3-6 months to live . She has been so excited about the wedding but now won't be there - a thought that just kills me.

So we are thinking of having a quick wedding soon, then having Big White Dress Day in a few years as planned (we both really still want the whole shebang at some point).

I guess I'm just looking for opinions on whether it's the right thing to do, how to do it (she can't go for longer than a few hours), after ceremony ideas, and really if anyone has had any experience of it?

What I don't want is for people to think we are milking it or to be annoyed if they're not invited to the first one. We really would like close friends and family only.

[CMOTDibbler]

Why not have a quick but nice wedding (registry office in a white dress bought off the peg/ebay then onto a restaurant afterwards sort of thing), then plan on a big party and vow renewal on your 5th anniversary.

If its only very close friends and family, under the circs anyone annoyed would only be showing themselves as no friend. And obv, you'd not be asking for money or presents, so wouldn't be 'milking' it

[BathildaBagshot]

Thanks CMOT - that's really reassuring. It's a difficult one, my mums already said 'don't ruin your big day' which put me off initially but I think the thought of my nan not being there is enough to ruin it for me - so it's got to be done! And obviously before she starts to deteriorate too.

[IScreamForIceCream]

The right thing to do is just what works for you.
Agree with CMOT's comment about 'real friends' too.

[vestandknickers]

Do you really need a big wedding?

Could you have a small, family wedding with your Nan involved and save your money for buying your house. Maybe have an amazing house warming party with loads of champagne and toast your Nan again then.

[MadonnaKebab]

I'd have a whatever-size-shebang you can afford now, with whatever sort of white dress you can afford, soon, while your Nan can be there

The other details about your wedding are so much less important than the people

I don't know anyone who looks at their wedding album/ video etc again, or who can even remember the flowers, favours, chair covers etc

People having a great time together , that's what it's all about

[BathildaBagshot]

I think me saying big wedding makes everyone think it's going to be pretty opulent - apologies for the confusion! By big wedding I basically mean lots of loved ones - as opposed to the few we will have at this one. The 'big' wedding won't be possible now as we don't have a penny saved but are running out of time. So we thought very small wedding now for nan, then one for everybody later on - if that makes sense? We have big families so it'd be nice to have something later on for the people who won't be there first time round.

[BathildaBagshot]

Also thank you all so much for replying - that's why I came here in the first place

[Dukketeater]

As a bride to be who lost her nan to cancer 3 years ago I wish we had married before she died even of it was a registry office no big dress etc as I am missing her terribly :(

[BathildaBagshot]

Oh Dukket I'm so so sorry to hear that. I'm dreading when it happens, it's all I think about at the moment which is why I don't want to regret my choice of wedding xx

[hjc87]

I think you should probably go with your overwhelming feeling here- sounds like you desperately want your Nan there, so don't wait and regret it later- get married while she is there with you, so you have that memory to take with you all through your married life. You can definitely always throw another celebration when you feel you can afford it or want to. Your friends will totally understand a quick wedding under the circumstances. Just remember what is really important to you. Good luck with everything.