DD 16 gone off the rails

[Evaprob]

Since the long summer hols after GCSE's my DD has turned in to a different person. She cancelled coming away with us on hols to attend friends events.

Last words from us were "Don't have friends round to the house and keep safe"

When we got back found out she'd had friends in a tent in the front garden and jumped from a bridge in to a river.

Since then she has been with a crowd who spend their time hanging out at various places drinking, having sex and generally making a nuicsance of themselves. She has dyed her hair dark from blonde, had her belly button pierced and wants a tattoo,

She is tormented by a love for a lad who has tried to commit suicide before now, having an on off love hate relationship.

She got a warning from the police when gathered drinking with friends in a park.

She knows we will get this letter from the police and has stayed away at friends houses initially not letting us know where she was one night so we had to do alot of ringing around to trace her.

She is a tormented sole who is constantly angry, partly because of love for this boy, partly because she ended up not getting to do the subjects she wanted at A Level, and partly because of this constant danger, thrill seeking behaviour.

I tried to tell her that if she couldnt talk to us to seek counselling from somewhere/one else and handed over a leaflet handed out at school but she tore this up.

What do we do - where do we begin?

[Ewe]

God, I don't know, it is really really hard. My sister is 16 and has been through a bad patch, drinking, drugs, underage sex - it was hideous. Again, she has just grown up a bit over the summer holidays and things seem to be looking up for her. I don't think you can force the change in mental attitude.

What you can do however is not enable her behaviour, I hope you aren't giving her any money, if you are then stop. Make sure you tell her that despite being incredibly disappointed by her behaviour that you still love her.

For some people the tough love approach works i.e. if you don't live by my rules then you don't live under my roof, this can either be really effective of spectacularly backfire. Only you know whether or not this might work for your DD.

Is there anything she is interested in academically or career wise you could try and get her focussed on? My DSis loves photography and since being accepted on to the A-Level course and getting her SLR camera she has been spending a lot of time on that instead of going out all the time - she still does go out drinking at weekends, but it is not every night.

You have my deepest sympathy, it's such a hard thing to go through. IMO the teen years are the biggest challenge! My DD is only 18months and I would quite like a pause button. Good luck.

[whattheheckdoIdonow]

I can sympathise and guess it is to do with her boyfriend and new friends.
We had similar behaviour fromm dd just 16 over a change in friends and new boyfriend but has now gone into the sixth form and is working hard wants to do medicine lol.

So it can change back as quick as it came.My tips would be don't get really angry,just say you are disappointed and want her to show some maturity before she ruins things for herself,and include her in the family as much as possible and take her shopping so she has good influences too,and hopefully it will right itself soon.

[Danthe4th]

Take her away for a girly few days just the two of you, have some fun, she's still young. Why not go somewhere like center parcs, try to be honest with each other, but to be honest all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces.She has to find her own way but whatever you do keep the door open to her and her friends and try not to get angry with her. Good luck

[LaineyW]

I sympathise with you Evaprob. My DD went through a similar phase a couple of years ago, dyed her lovely blonde hair black, fell in love with a druggy loser who treated her like s**t and we were worried to death for about a year. BUT, we always sort of knew that she had a good heart and that it was a phase. Thank God it was, I know not all of them come through the other end into the light!

What really hit home at the time was me bursting into tears at something she did. She was mortified and wrote us a long letter (I still have it, although she doesn't know...)

Two years later and she has gradually moved on from this particular group of friends. Her hair is now blonde again, her bedroom has gone from being a black hole with pictures of Slipknot and Kurt Cobain to girlie pink with voile curtains to its current chocolate and cream with tasteful wall art! We let her have her belly button pierced but have said absolutely not to any tattoos until she's 18.

Just keep the faith, maybe she needs stricter boundaries and for you to come down hard on her? I know my DD needed that and was actually quite frightened by the group of 'friends' she was hanging around with; I think she felt a bit out of control.

Sorry for long post. Digit diarrhoea.

[desertmum]

Agree with you Lainey about the being frightened by what was happening. My DD went off the rails and was mixing with an older crowd - drinking, smoking, sneaking out of the hose at night, possibly taking drugs -we were beside ourselves with worry. We basically locked the house like fort knox, grounded her and then went away for the summer removing her from the situation - at which point she calmed down, became pleasant and polite again and I think secretly she was actually relieved to out of the situation - she was 14 and the people she was mixing with were older (this all came about from the bullying at school) and I think it was a strain to keep up with them tbh. Now we have moved and I feel like I have got my daughter back.
I'm sure we are in for more problems at some stage but I do feel better able to cope with them now and will simply be a lot firmer than I was first time round.

Not sure this is a helpful post really except to say you are not alone, it happens to so many people, but I know that when it was happening to us I felt like it was just my DD who was bad and everyone elses was polite, pleasant, etc.etc. Well that's a crock of shit for sure! Most kids go through some kind of rebellion - just at different levels.

Keep strong, set boundaries and stick to them, hug her, love her and keep the communication lines open as Dr Phil would say!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Eva

Why did she not go on holiday with you?. Did you give into her demands?. She's 16 and is still a child.

Her anger needs to be addressed properly.
All her behaviour is very telling of someone being desperately unhappy about her life. She probably feels that no one gives a damn and she's failed you and herself. She is emotionally very vulnerable and has been sucked into a group of people with equal self loathing and low self esteem. That's likely all she thinks she deserves. She probably thought she could handle all this but she can't. The destructive bf is all part of her self loathing; she wants to "fix" him. She can't fix herself as yet, let alone someone else.

People need to start talking and talking openly to each other.

When was the last time that you and or her Dad and she spent time together?. You've both got to reconnect.

I would also be talking to Parentline Plus (0808 800 2222) as they may be helpful too.

[nickynockynoo]

Hi its my first time on here and I am having similar problems with DD. Shes 15 and we are having lots of aggressive behaviour. it was ok for about 6 weeks and has just started bubbling up again. we've had police, camhs, social services, gp, school involvement and at the end it just feels like she wants her own way and whatever it takes she is determined not to give in. Stuff like didnt want to go to school cos she was tired after working yesterday. She swears, throws things around, tries to stop we coming out of rooms, and that makes me really want to flip.

I am so sick of it all it feels like it has been going on forever and I cant bear that its starting all over again, especially as she has been lovely for quite a while. I've thought about moving out but dont want to leave my husband, or DD either but no longer feel I can handle it any more. Any advice, a different viewpoint appreciated.

[Evaprob]

Thanks for all your views/advice etc.

Still treading on egg shells. We were called in to the sixth form as she had skipped some lessons for a class in which she hates the teacher. The thing is everyone is trying to help her to cope - she's being allowed to catch up on the missed lessons over 1/2 term and we are keeping our fingers crossed.

We do try to include her in family trips but alot of the time she doesn't want to be involved - sees us as boring. Managed to take her to see UP with her twin and younger sibling, which she enjoyed.

It's all very well locking up the house and not giving money but you can't physically restrain a 16 yr old from going out.

Taking each week as it comes and her school is monitoring her progess and has decided to ease off the pressure a little to try and encourage her.