I think dd is anorexic but there's nothing I can do...(35 Posts)
It sounds like you are correct. I don't know what to say really. My sister was anorexic in her teens and that is the only experience I have of it.
Can you not get your 17 year old back to stay with you for the summer or something? MIL sounds a right odd one
Is your DD still at school? Could there be someone there who could help you.
You must be really worried
What about your DH though? Can he get through to his mother and make her see sense?
Bumping for you Riven. Evening people may be able to help.
Is there no way yu can get your daughter back home? IIRC, anorexics can sometimes 'compete' and encourage each other to loose weight. This isn't good at all. Your daughter needs to get out of there.
I must admit I would be inclined to call Social Services and get them to do a spot check at Mil's home, if she won't tell you which school dd is at.
Has your dh seen the photo? If it is as bad as you describe then he MUST get involved in this - no argument.
Your poor dd- souns like she's been troubled for a long time and poor you having to watch from afar.
Not much advice as I doubt there's much you an do but could you write her a letter saying you are worried that she is damagng herself. Or go and see her and have that conversation. She may shut you out or tell you to go but at least in years to come she wont be left with the thought that her mum didn't even care enough to bother with her. I think siblings of sick kids do often struggle terribly and by the sound of it she could really do with a good therapist.
It must be terrible for you but I think just letting her know you care (even if it means fighting) may be all you can do.
Call the school and have a word with the nurse or counsellor. I'm sure they wouldn't say it was you: it could be a worried PE teacher, couldn't it?
Some CAMHS services offer services to parents of adolescents. I wonder if there is any way you could access something like that. It sounds as though your dh and dd's relationship is having a big impact on both of them and maybe you and dh could at least be supported to think about some of these things. If you used to be anorexic it must also bring up so much for you- I wonder if it would be worth getting some support in your own right too?
Riven - I can't begin to imagine how hard your day to day life must be, let alone the worry about dd.
This subject is close to my heart, for reasons I won't go into here.
Can I ask - you say that you have sought help from social services in the past: do you have any records of correspondance, phone calls, meetings, names, dates etc? In my (very bitter) experience, the only thing that sometimes works, is if SS or other "professionals" know that you have records of every time you have described the situation and asked for help.
The knowledge that if they do nothing, and a disaster happens, and there is evidence that you asked repeatedly for help, seems to galvanise them into action. Sorry - that is putting it harshly, but I can't think of another way to say it.
Could you talk to your GP, who might be able to contact Educational welfare services. If they know MIL's address, they might be able to find out which college , and go from there?
I would strongly advise you to keep records of every phone call/meeting/conversation.
That does make it complicated as I would assume the camhs team would need to be the one where she lives. Have you got a good GP you could speak to for advice? I would also be tempted to phone her GP and ask for advice. It sounds as though as a family you could do with some support as well as her needing her own individally. I obviously do not know the situation but I would try and avoid letting her know that you feel angry with your mil as she must have an attachment to her and may then feel caught in the middle and find it harder to accept any support from you.
As you know from your own experience, I think even if she was living with you you would be feeling powerless- the nature of the illness...
The fact she sent the photo to your dh makes me wonder if she wants him/you to know that she is struggling although whether that's out of anger, to make you feel guilty or to show you she needs help is impossible to know- perhaps a mixture.
It sounds like you've all been through so much. Remember that although she is not you and is having her own unique difficulties, you came through it and it can be done.
It's tricky, because at 16 she became an adult in the eyes of the health service .
Riven do you ever actually see your dd? WHy do you have to go through your MIL? Why don't you sit down and actually show your dd that you have time for her. Anorexia is a very complicated issue, my family also has a very troubled history with it, but from what I remember from previous posts about your dd I am not surprised at all that she is showing signs of having developed it. As she sees it, your time is taken up by your dd2. She is a child and obviously needs your attention. My completely unqualified opinion is that this is her way of showing you that she is also a child and needs your attention. I obviously don't know the whole story but it saddens me that she is going through this
ALso, having read the thread back, if you have retained parental responsibility then I would speak to a solicitor asap. They cannot withhold information such as which school she goes to. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like your own dd is being used as a weapon against you
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