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My 14yr dd won't settle in new area

(12 Posts)
CrystalMum Sun 03-Aug-08 18:44:43

We moved 18mths ago to a rural property in Wales from the South Coast and my 14yr dd has been a nightmare. She has always been very difficult, moody and hated school even before we moved but now she is awful. I know it has been a difficult move for her but her dad and I really believe we have moved to a better life. She has slowly made friends here and in the past couple of months she seemed to have finally settled and has lots of friends here. She has been in the south for a few days for a visit and has fallen out with all her new friends here while she's been away. It seems to have turned quite nasty with lots of awful names being said on both sides. She now says she can't live here any more and wants to stay down south. She says if we force her to come back she'll kill herself!! I am at the end of my tether, I just don't know what to say to her........she says I don't listen which I do try to do.HELP!!!

HumphreyPillow Sun 03-Aug-08 18:48:40

Who is she staying with on the South Coast?

If it is one of her old friends, perhaps she's feeling homesick for that area, and that has affected how she has behaved towards her new friends?
I'm sure they will make up.

Re the threats, I think I would probably travel down there to pick her up and bring her home.

CrystalMum Sun 03-Aug-08 18:56:40

Thanks, she is staying with a friend and her dad is picking her up in a few days. She does get very homesick when she goes to visit her friends there. What do I do then stop her from visiting her old friends? It is always very difficult for a few days when she comes back. She would go ballistic if she was banned from seeing her old friends but it is a tempting option though. She gets herself in a state when she falls out with her friends, a few months ago she refused to go to school for 5 weeks after she told a stupid lie and got caught out. She thought everyone would hate her but when we eventually got her to go back she found out that they were all ok with her afer all!!
I really thought I was going to lose it during that time.

HumphreyPillow Sun 03-Aug-08 19:05:21

I don't think that she should be banned from seeing her old friends.
I think I might cut short her current visit if she was making threats about killing herself, to show her that those sort of tactics aren't effective.
It sounds like she is very sensitive, and doesn't like confrontation - have the school done anything to help her integrate into her new community?

CrystalMum Sun 03-Aug-08 19:25:21

The school have been very good and very supportive. Can't relly cut short her visit as her Dad s working down there and isn't coming back until thursday and I can't go fetch her myself.
She will settle down again I'm sure it just feels like the end of the world at the moment.......for her and for me!

HumphreyPillow Sun 03-Aug-08 19:42:14

You must be very worried.
Can some of her friends from down south come to visit you in Wales?
Maybe if her old friends get to meet some of her new ones, and she sees them in her new environement, your DD might feel a bit more settled? smile

CrystalMum Sun 03-Aug-08 19:46:53

Thanks that seems like a very good idea, might need to leave it a while though as they seem to have got themselves involved in a full scale war at the moment!
Thanks for the good advice

HumphreyPillow Sun 03-Aug-08 20:16:51

I hope things get sorted soon. smile

PlasterCaster Sun 03-Aug-08 20:52:54

Its very hard to move area at that age sad I was moved to the other side of the city at the same age and its a terrible time to try making new friends as everyone is very cliquey and already set in groups.

I don't really have any advice but I hope things work out. I remember how she is feeling.

CrystalMum Mon 04-Aug-08 11:55:18

Thanks for the sympathy. She seems to have got it into her head that my brother will let her stay with him in the south but she doesn't seem to appreciate what a huge responsibility she is. Not many people would take on an almost 15 yr old girl and all the hassles and resonsibility that entails. However if there are such people it would be my brother and his wife. I don't know what to do for the best, am I a terrible mother to even consider letting her live with him?? All I want is for her to be happy, but I think she would miss her father and I more than she realises. I also don't know if I could ever really ask that of my brother and his wife. I'm so confused am I just looking for the easy way out?

Claudia40 Wed 06-Aug-08 14:31:40

Do you think that your brother and his wife would take her? It could be that the grass is always greener (well, apart from in rural Wales!)and that the reality of being back at her old school with the inevitable bickering and falling out that girls seem to do wherever they are, will settle the matter and she can come back to you having drawn a line on the south coast experience. My own dd was the same age when we moved and she had trouble settling at her new school until she went back to her old school for the day and realised that nothing really changes and that she was not made a huge fuss of -it seemed to lay some ghosts to rest as it were.

Or, your dd may genuinely just be much happier down south and if she behaves herself with her aunty and uncle, and the rest of you are happy and settled in Wales, then maybe this is a solution. She can up sticks anyway at the age of 16 so at least this would be managing the situation safely.

CrystalMum Wed 06-Aug-08 20:00:30

Thanks Claudia40 for the advice. Have spoken to my sister-in-law and they feel she's too young to go live there, they said they'll talk to her about living with them when she's left school. I don't really want her to go, I'd miss her terribly and I know she needs me at this age. She just can't see a way of making up with her friends in Wales they've said such nasty things. I know teenage girls are the same wherever you go and they'll probably all be best mates again in a months time but she can't see a happy ending here. I'm trying to encourage her to make up with just one of the girls and I'm sure the others will come round eventually. I feel so sorry for her, it physically hurts.

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