My daughter hates me.

[Ellbell24]

Hey everyone.

So a little bit of back story, I had my first daughter when I was incredibly young at 17. She is now 13 very soon to be 14 and I just can't even explain our relationship. We have always been incredibly close, we had her younger sister 6 years ago when she was around 7/8 which she did struggle with massively. Luckily me and her dad have stayed together which I know is rare with young pregnancy. Anyway, me and my husband decided whilst it isn't too late we wanted to have just one more baby so we don't regret having another one. So around 2 weeks ago we told the girls and the youngest was absolutely thrilled however my eldest just can not stand me. She won't speak to me or her dad, she wont come out of her room except for dinner where she just sits and doesn't even look at us when we talk to her.

Me and my husband understand it is a massive change and that she is at an awkward age anyway and we have constantly tried to explain to her it's going to be okay and she's going to be the best sister. We have also tried the approach of speaking to her in a more adult like way. But she won't speak and truth being told I don't even think she knows why she is this angry and hurt about the situation. I just want her to be happy and enjoy my pregnancy.

Any advice would really help on how to get her to open up. I am mentally drained from worrying and being angry and upset at her. I don't want her to feel like I am against her but she is putting up such a hard battle! Many thanks x

[Ellbell24]

• so we don't regret not having another one

[Blondie1984]

Is there another adult who she is close to who could potentially talk to her and see if she opens up? An aunt, uncle, grandparent, family friend?

Could you write her a letter telling her how sad you feel and how worried you are? She might find it easier to write how she feels in response rather than verbalise it

[laudete]

Are you sure she's upset at acquiring another sibling? Maybe she's just grossed out by the obvious implication of how her parents have produced said sibling. She's the right age to be mortified - about pretty much everything.

[BlackeyedSusan]

you've had sex and now there is evidence of it. one of the worst things you could do for a teenager... soooo embarrassing...

[Cotswoldmama]

I guess she's experienced having one sibling and losing out on having all the attention and she now realised that will happen again. Do you try to do things one to one with her?

[FannytheW0nderDog]

Almost anything that parents do upsets or grosses out teenagers at that age. She will come round eventually and you will be able to enjoy your third pregnancy.

[BlackeyedSusan]

don't be angry or upset, she is a teen. they are irrational due to their brain changing and hormone surges, they feel things deeply, their brain is going through a massive development period and they think in a different way to adults. don't take it personally.

[NovemberR]

I got pregnant with our youngest when our eldest was 13. The reaction we got when we told them we were having another baby was Oh. I thought you were going to say we were getting a dog. She was very quiet.

She then came back from school the next day and said, OMG, all my friends think it's really cool that you're having another baby!

We were fortunate that she had a nice bunch of mates who thought it was sweet...I imagine if she'd had friends who said, OMG - I can't believe your parents are still having sex - that's GROSS! that the reaction would have been very different from her.

Is she concerned about what her friends might think? Or have they said something to her? Has she actually told friends, do you know? Peer pressure and the need to fit in is massive at that age.

[Carolina24]

I think you have to set aside your anger and upset. She doesn’t owe it to you to be excited about your pregnancy. From her POV it’s a) proof that you have sex, and b) another sibling who will dominate your attention and take up your time.

Try meeting her where she is. Acknowledge her feelings, express sympathy for her. Tell her that you understand it’s a big change and one that she might not be excited about. Reassure her about her worries - maybe she thinks she will have to babysit etc. and needs reassured that she won’t.

She’s a child so it’s not her job to offer you the support and enthusiasm you want. It’s your job to show her with your actions that you still love her unconditionally- even if she isn’t happy or excited about the baby.

[Ellbell24]

Thanks so much for all your advice!

I have tried to talk with her so many times calmly and tried to have special time with her but she is just not interested.

She has a lovely group of friends there's about 4/5 of them and when I asked her if she told them she said she had and that was all. Her best friend did message me a congratulations but I'm not sure how her other friends have reacted.

I honestly didn't even think about the fact she would probably feel grossed out due to sex. I completely just didn't think, this could be why as she hates seeing me and her dad cuddle each other or give each other a kiss goodbye! This actually probably makes the most sense.

Hoping she comes around for it soon as we have the gender reveal in a few days!!

Thanks everyone x

[SmallPrawnEnergy]

This was really similar to my friend experience growing up except with a step dad not her biological dad. Sorry to say even to this day (she is 37) she still had a very strained relationship with her mum and moved out when she was 17 because of the way her parents handled the situation. I don’t think parents fully get the impact of a baby on a teenager.

You knew she struggled massively when you had your other child so this can’t really be a surprised by her reaction. She’s also going through teenage years, the not talking to you, not coming out of her room is quite normal as you’ve said. I wouldn’t say things to her like she will be the best sister as it’s putting pressure on her, as is you saying you wish she would enjoy your pregnancy (what’s to enjoy about someone else being pregnant and her mum being even more hormonal and sensitive?) she’s probably dreading being kept up by the baby, especially during upcoming tough years of school. Not looking forward to potentially being lumbered with looking after a baby / toddler. As a pp said she’s already experienced having her parents attention taken away by a younger sibling and she will have to experience all that again. Is she going to have a share a room? Is she worried about that? How about the ability to have friends over? Will baby impact that? She’s still a child and doesn’t need to bear the weight of being happy and joyous that you’re pregnant. You need to reassure her, take the pressure off and let her come to terms with it. Give her time and keep making her aware she is loved and there is no pressure on her. I personally think you going over the top with a gender reveal will add fuel to the fire too.

[Carolina24]

I agree, a gender reveal is a bad idea when you have a child in the house who is struggling with the pregnancy. I would keep it very low key and just let interested people know by call or text (maybe that’s the plan already, but these things to tend to involve a lot of added fuss and I can’t imagine that would be easy for your teen to bear just now).

[Ellbell24]

It's not going to be a big gender reveal just us 4 cutting a cake💕 and I feel like a lot of you are getting the impression I don't care for my daughters feelings which is completely not the case. I love my daughter more than anything she's always been my best friend! For the past year however she's been getting more distant and then the baby announcement has just made her 10x worse. I'm not going to lie I knew she wouldn't be extremely over joyed but I didn't think she would treat me like this especially when I'm trying so hard with her to make our relationship better. It's just upsetting sometimes but thanks so much for you advice x

[Ellbell24]

And we decided go have another baby as we have always said we would love three children. And I really didn't want to not have another one. It was not done in a malicious way and I honestly now feel so guilty after reading all your comments as I just didn't think she would take it this bad. When I told her I was pregnant with baby 2 she was upset at first but then really came around to it and if anything- was excited! X

[NovemberR]

Would just add, that when the baby comes I'd recommend not to leave her with the pram whilst you popped in shops, or expect her to push it in the street.

My DD (14 by the time we had baby) was utterly mortified at standing next to a pram with a baby on it, whilst I just popped into WHSmith or somewhere. She felt that every single passer by gave her a disapproving look and tutted at her, thinking the baby was hers.

I'm sure you had some tough times with your eldest as you were young and some folks are always wanting to comment!

[AnaisNun]

Might be massively over reaching, OP, but if you’re very close, might she be worried about you?

My DM was 19 when she had me, and I often felt like a mate more than her daughter- and sometimes she made decisions that weren’t good for her, which would really upset me (getting back with a shitty boyfriend, quitting her job when he said so etc etc).

Is there anything that could be considered an “adult issue” that your DD might be aware of, that might make this less ideal timing for another baby? Lack of space, money worries, health concerns etc?

Not all teenagers are inherently selfish/primarily concerned with their own situation. Many kids who grow up with very young parents feel very “responsible” and mature way before they should, but they know that this dynamic isn’t quite right, so they struggle to articulate what’s worrying or upsetting them.

Or she might just be being a grossed out teen.

Either way- don’t do the gender reveal with a big hoo ha. It’s not fair on her when she’s struggling.

And congratulations

[NovemberR]

Don't feel bad, OP!

I don't think you can plan your family around a teenager - or what they might like. Honestly, you have every right to have the children and family that you want.

Teens are tough! But I wouldn't let them dictate my family size. She'll get used to it.

[therocinante]

You'll get a load of people piling in to tell you that your child doesn't get to have feelings/shouldn't be a consideration when deciding whether or not you have another baby, but I think you've been shortsighted to be so surprised by this.

She struggled with your other child - fine, she was younger, there was a big gap and therefore a big adjustment, that's to be expected but is also still understandable from her point. But to go ahead and have another baby when she's going through her teens, about to do her GCSEs and so on is going to be a big disruption on her life - lots of teenagers wouldn't be happy about that, and especially not one who reacted badly to getting a sibling last time.

She might also:

• be worried you'll have 'even less' time for her
• feel replaced as she's getting older
• not want a noisy baby around
• not want to feel obliged to do stuff with the new baby when she wants to be out growing up a bit with her friends
• be concerned that space and peace and quiet in the house are going to be hard to come by

All reasonable. Ultimately while you're happy and it's absolutely your right to have a baby if you want one, she doesn't have to be happy for you and she's a teenager with no 'power' (she can't move out and get her own place, etc) so she's showing her unhappiness in the only way she knows.

Let her process it. Make it clear she's perfectly entitled to have her feelings about it. Address any of the concerns above if you think they're relevant or she brings them up. Don't expect her to tapdance with happiness because her life is being changed too, not just yours.

She might come round, she might not, but please reassure her she is loved either way. She's entitled to have her feelings about something that will have quite a big impact on her life.

(Signed, someone who had a sibling when I was 16 and did their GCSEs and A Levels with a screaming baby/naughty toddler in the house, and who has little relationship with their sibling - not out of malice, I love her because she's my little sister, but we could go months without speaking. We spent 18 months in the same house and then I never went home for e.g. uni holidays etc because there wasn't space so we never really developed a real sibling relationship)

[Mummaofboys93]

I had my eldest when I was 17, he is nearing 11 now. I am due DS3 next month, he was 5 when DS2 was born & wasn't overly bothered during that pregnancy. When I told him I was pregnant this time round me & DP (DS1 & DS2 step dad) were greeted with a noooo not another baby. It was not the reaction I was expecting tbh, he is a wonderful big brother to DS2 although as he has gotten older you can tell DS2 is more of a pain to DS1, I think simply due to the age difference. Everything DS2 is into is for "babies" or it's "boring". So I haven't made a massive deal out of this pregnancy towards him, DS2 is very excited though so I have to try balance it all out.

I will show DS2 all our scan pictures at a different time to DS1, usually when DS1 is in his room on his xbox as that way we can talk more about the baby. DS1 I shall ask would you like to see a picture, sometimes I'll get a yes, others I'll get a no & I just leave it at that. DS2 loves touching or speaking to my bump, I've asked DS1 if he'd like to feel once & he told me bo its gross 😂 So I have just left it there.

I think kids get to an age that a baby in their eyes is more of an annoyance than anything, theure old enough to understand babies moan & they cry & take up alot of time, DS1 also knows how annoying his brother can be to him currently when he's playing with his fiends on the xbox & DS2 bursts into the room & starts being silly ect. I remember having a friend at school, we must have been about 14 & her younger sister 6/7 & as awful as it sounds now she was so annoying to us. She only wanted to be part of what us girls were doing in her sisters room but we would all tell her to get out, shut her out the room & I remember she'd get so upset & cry. Looking back it makes me feel awful bit as a teen that is what it is like. Younger siblings are annoying, even my brother was annoying & he's only 3 years younger than me.

I honestly wouldn't worry too much, just don't make a big deal out of it, but also don't leave her out. Spend loads of time with her & if you feel there is a good opportunity, perhaps ask her why she has been so distant with you recently & make her aware sje is able to talk to you about anything without judgement. She may just need reassuring or she may think having a younger sibling just isn't cool or fun.

[Ellbell24]

Hey everyone! Thought I would update you, but today was the day!!!! Today was the day my girl came and had a conversation with me about her feelings. I'm not going to say why she was upset but she has actually said she's looking forward to the baby now!! So happy and excited. Thanks for all your comments x

[NovemberR]

Pleased you had a good chat.

Good luck for the future with your expanding family. I now nosily want to know sex when you find out!

[PJ04JCW]

Glad you had a good chat, and I agree with November about not leaving her with the pram etc. My mum and I fostered babies in my early/mid teens and I was definitely judged by people who thought they were mine!

[amanzapanza]

Hey everyone! We did the gender reveal today so thought I would fill you in.......

IT'S A GIRL 💖💖💖💖💖

[Imapotato]

Congrats 🥳 I’m glad your dd has come around.

My youngest sister was born when I was your dds age and I was horrified that they were having another baby. My reasons were. There were already 4 kids, we’d just moved so we could have more space and they decided to make us over crowded again. My mums mental health was poor and she only just about could manage to meet our needs on a good day. We had no money, mum refused to go back to work and dad had to work two jobs. Finally the thought of them having she was gross!

Anyway as expected, mums physical and mental health took a massive down turn following the birth and my teenage years were utterly miserable as a result, I left home as soon as I could and my main goal as a parent is to be nothing like my mother. I actually like my little sister though now, she’s only 6 years older than dd1 and they are very close.

On the other hand one of my best friends mum had baby number 3 in the same year my sister was born and handled it much better. My friend wasn’t miserable and her and her mum remained close throughout her teenage years. Be like my friends mum. Not like mine.