School issues

[woulddoJu]

Hey all

My ds13 has got a not very good report this time. I'm getting calls from school on a weekly basis. Late for lessons, arguing with teachers, general disruptive-ness. He's always been a bit cheeky and struggles with concentrating and we have words about getting on with work and behaviour in class and he does it for a few weeks and then falls back into bad habits again. He's been on a report card etc but I just don't know what to do next.

He's really not a bad kid at all but has fallen in with a few that don't have good reputations where we live and I don't know how to deal with that either! I just feel like we are constantly on at him but never get anywhere.

I feel like we need now to start with some kind of punishment for his disruptive behaviour at school but no idea where to start with him! He is nothing like his older sibling so I really don't know!

He was always such a sweet, sensitive boy and all this behaviour is not like him at all!

[Livedandlearned]

Be clear with your punishments and take what matters most to him, internet, gaming, money.

Also be consistent. Email or call from school = no internet tonight, or no pocket money etc

[belay]

Is he hanging around with the not so good influencers outside school hours?

[tickticktickboom]

He has a direct debit for his spending money every week which I am going to stop today and only give spending money when his behaviour/ attitude is better.

Yes @belay outside school hours. I did think about stopping him hanging about with them but H says we can't do that as it may make him rebel?

[tickticktickboom]

Sorry, had a name change mid-thread!

[shawarmasue]

This might also be to do with hormonal changes .. there's quite a lot written and researched to show that boys this age are very much "impulse" led and don't make rational decisions - I know all this but doesn't make it any easier with my boy who is the same age as yours and going the same way

[tickticktickboom]

Yes I can definitely tell there are some hormones making an appearance. That's why I'm so confused about what/if any punishment to give? He's always had school issues though, not just on this scale. He doesn't seem to understand the importance and the effect it has on the rest of the class when he's disruptive.

[Herocomplex]

I’d try setting goals and rewards first rather than punishments. Make sure you talk to him regularly on a casual basis, and listen to him without necessarily giving him advice or your opinion. Ask him what he wants to do in the future and help him to understand how to achieve it.

It’s really challenging though, I got lots of the teenage years very badly wrong. Hindsight is a great thing.

[tickticktickboom]

It is @Herocomplex and I always try to tell both of my DS's that, they don't realise how important it all is!
I've just had a 20 min chat with his teacher and feel even worse now. He's picking up behavior detriments almost every day for his poor attitude and not listening and they are also at a loss with him as well.

[Herocomplex]

If it’s any consolation my ‘lost boy’ finally saw the light when he was 18, realised he had to do something and ended up with a good degree and is now working and considering a masters.

Just try and give him a channel to keep a connection with you, lose communication and it’s even harder. And hug him.

[totallyradllama]

I think at this age the conversation needs to about respect and consideration for others rather than individual behaviours as otherwise you work on one thing only for another to go off the boil. Also role models he would listen to - any good ones around?

[Waitingtomove]

My DS 15 sounds much the same, we had a chat and he did say he does these things because it seems like a good idea at the time, he thinks no further forward than this.
Both myself and his dad have been in to see his head of year.
He will have a few good days but then revert back to type.
It doesn’t make it any easier but you are not alone

[belay]

He's only 13 and don't let him tell you that he can do what he wants. I would calmly state that you won't pay his phone bill if he keeps going out with kids who are a poor influence

[BubblesBuddy]

I think the problem stems from all the years you have considered it ok for him to be “cheeky”. It’s not Ok. It’s very annoying and unsurprisingly it’s escalated. Of course he’s of interest to other annoying badly behaved DC. They are messing about together. It’s fun. These DC haven’t given him a poor attitude. That’s his attitude. By now, nicer DC will be swerving him.

Very belatedly you can see the problem but even now blame the other DC. Your cheeky one is the problem too! The school is clearly telling you this. If he’s not careful he will be permanently excluded. You should ask for help from the school and see what services might be on offer for DC who might be excluded and have Behaviour problems that you cannot control.

As others say, be firm in your expectations. Take away phone and treats when necessary. Insist you know where he is. Insist on coming home times. Fetch him if he doesn’t play ball. Praise when he does well. Try and get him interested in things like sport. What does DH do with him? Any trips to boy things? Football? Rewards for avoiding behaviour detriments? If you don’t step up (both of you) and steer him away from trouble, I think he’ll find it.

[tickticktickboom]

Where have I said I have let him get away with been cheeky??
And where have I Said that I don't blame him but other kids for his behaviour??
I'm fully aware this is down to him.

He plays Sunday football and watches his team on a Saturday with me, trains on a Friday night. He goes MTB'ing with his dad.