Dripping in attitude- all the time!

[jillycar]

I am really quite despairing at the moment with my 13 year old, Year 8 son. He is breathtakingly arrogant about everything and basically just finds fault with everybody and everything. It is as if nothing brings him any real pleasure and he just has a very negative attitude about everything.
He is a bright boy and he is involved with lots of activities during the week and I would say he has a very comfortable life but his constant negativity is really starting to affect the family.
Is this the joys of becoming a recent teenager and with plenty of reminders will we see the light again or are we doomed to this for the next 5 years?? We are not a miserable family who find fault with everything around us but it is like he is warping into this not very pleasant person......

[Rachel561]

Nope, they have attitude all day long. I have a boy who just turned 15. We went on vaca and he basically ruined it by non stop complaining. It was awful. He's an only child and spoiled. I've been crying for 2 nights. We were so close. Now I know nothing and he doesn't want to be around me. And just to make things clear, I was a wonderful mom. I stayed home with him. I took him places constantly. Bedtime story kisses reading books held his hand carry them around. We did everything together. I never thought this would happen to us. I thought it was other teenagers that were like that. I've been told it's their way of expressing their independence. . Well, it hurts. It hurts like hell. And my husband, he's no help. He thinks I'm overly emotional. Whatever. I'm just staying in my room. I can't deal with this anymore.

[jillycar]

I’m sorry you are feeling so horrible. I think the trouble is we feel like we’ve done everything ‘right’ or to the very best of our abilities and you just feel slapped by their attitude. I don’t honestly know if there’s an answer or if it’s just a case of riding it out but take a small comfort that I think lots of us are in the same situation x x x

[Rachel561]

I think it's a matter of riding it out and toughening up ourselves a bit. They are separating and becoming autonomous. Or beginning to. Their hormones are changing them. When they're only 13 They can't drive they can't work. The only way they can really differentiate themselves from us is with attitude. It's tuff. Tuff for sure. IDk, I'm just today picking myself back up from this latest knockdown so I really shouldn't talk.

[HuaShan]

Teen years can be very hard but they do come through it! It's an important developmental phase of detaching, becoming their own person, thinking independently. Also for us as Mothers to start learning how to let go.

FWIW my ds is now 18 and mostly through it (although he does think he knows everything still!). I did have certain boundaries - I pulled him up if he was being disrespectful, even if it meant more tantrums/sulking. I found a few points of contact (yes, watched endless Top Gear with him) made sure that we had just a little bit of quality time each week (lunch out, bike ride) nothing that required too much commitment. I am dreading him going to uni but I do feel confident we have regained some closeness - albeit in a more adult way.
I once read a wonderful thing that parenting a teen is like having someone break up with you very slowly and painfully over a number of years. It summed up exactly what I felt at the time, but ds and I are now 'good friends'

[Lilactimes]

It’s really tough - I’m a single mum of a 15 year old girl and have v tricky times. Some things that have helped me ... I read lots on teenagers and their brain development to try and understand and learn tips that will work. Calmness and strength in your manner and firm boundaries are important. The minute you raise your voice, things can seem to spiral out of control. If they don’t think they want you, it means they’re growing and developing independence which is good! Try not to get too upset and then decide level of rudeness you’re prepared to accept! I had low tolerance of this and some boundaries such as phone use/ bedtimes and how we spoke to eachother etc were discussed and agreed upon when we weren’t arguing. Key thing for us, was to find a new thing that keeps you talking. With my daughter it’s playing badminton, walking the dog and watching her KPop videos on YouTube. It’s good to find some newer things to have in common that’s led by them so all conversation doesn’t revolve around heavy stuff or discipline or nagging. For example, do you know about their games they play, what level they’re on, how hard it is to get to that level etc etc etc, which guitars are seen as best in world, who they think plays the best, watch guitar solos on YouTube that they like and show interest — clutching at straws here but hopefully you get what I mean!! . Healthy food and set meal times and just accept some meals may be quiet and others may be a barrage of complaints and negativity (at least they’re talking to you and not silently stewing) and some may be lovely. It’s new era when they become young teens and I think the way we discipline and set rules kind of needs to evolve with them. This was the lesson I learned. I don’t want to tempt fate by saying it helped me as daughter is 4 months of GCSEs but am keeping everything crossed and trying to stay calm .... good luck xx

[Lilactimes]

Also reading your post again, negativity and anger can often be covering anxiety. Therefore important you find a way of communicating casually so he feels he can discuss things that are worrying him. Body changing/ hormones all cause huge worry.
I remember the worst terrible argument I had with my daughter before a party in year 8. She was screaming at me. She told me last week that she’s had some signs that she thought she was going to get her period that night. And she would bleed at the party. She was freaking out inside. It came out as the rudest most awful behaviour. I hope that now we have better relationship and communication mainly because I changed my attitude, she would have been able to tell me more easily .

[jillycar]

Thanks for your input everyone. It all makes sense and it’s good to read other people’s experiences. Deep breaths........!!!!

[Knitwit99]

My 13 yr old is exactly the same. Interestingly, only when he is with me and his dad. We are at my parents right now and he is chatting away to them like the loveliest boy in the world.
I am trying to set limits about how much rudeness I am willing to accept and trying really hard to ignore the negativity but some days it's just relentless.
My mum says my brother was the same at this age and he's now one of my favourite people so I'm digging in and hoping for better times.

[jillycar]

Sounds like a plan!!