DD is supposed to be studying for GCSEs/Junior Cert

[AraGrand]

However, her Christmas report had negative comments from 4 teachers.
So I've refused to pay for Netflix for her anymore.

Is this reasonable? We had an all out holy war. Basically, my sister interferes and has told dd that I shouldn't be arguing with her (if she'd fucking butt out that would be a great help). So I said, right, that's it, Netflix is gone.

A bit extreme?

[AraGrand]

And any tips on how to get rid of an interfering aunt (a schoolteacher) would be greatly appreciated too!

[averythinline]

no - and I woudl tell your sister very bluntly to butt out - and that you wont be seeing her if she interferes with your family!

punitive actions are not always great with teens .....but as a part of an overall plan I think a shock can be good ..
so maybe sitting down with your dd and asking her about why she thinks she got teh negatives....and maybe coming up with a plan ... is she struggling in subjects so acting up to cover things up or trying to be the big i am..... maybe seeing where she wants to get to or is interested in teh future (although my dc is ver yhead in sand at the moment (same age) as cant think about what he wants to do as likes his life as it is!... so may not be the best approach..
often this time is high pressure on all fronts so if she chills with a bit of netflix its not teh end of the world.... but try and take some of the pressure out of your relationship with her.....
(I have to keep saying to my self this too....pick your battles ) but more communication is key not less ....

[AraGrand]

Well I was trying to have a normal conversation with her - asking her what's the story with the Spanish teacher - she said the teacher doesn't like her - I then started telling her about my Maths teacher who hated me - basically trying to engage in conversation. At this point she looks to my mother and goes 'Karen (dsis) is going to go mad!'
Well instead of Karen going mad, I went mad. Who the fuck does my fucking sister think she is . She had obviously told dd not to engage with me about school reports or something.
My 'd'sis has blocked me so I can't give her another bollocking as it's getting tiresome at this stage the amount of times she has tried to interfere. She has no children of her own yet (younger than me by 7 years) and seems to think she knows more about parenting than I do. Because - schoolteacher. Load of bollocks. I don't want to interfere in their relationship as they are quite close and she brings dd to concerts and such that I couldn't afford or have the inclination to attend.
Netflix is staying gone anyway.

[averythinline]

why is your mum there? sounds like you have too many people trying to involve themselves in your parenting... ..honestly dont let your sister buy your child..... a few concerts/expensive trips do not replace a relationship ...
maybe you shouldnt have lost it and just said something like nothing to do with Karen....

[pointythings]

The proportionality of your reaction (or not) really depends on what you mean by 'negative comments'. If it's along the lines of 'she's not doing a lick of work and is going to fail her GCSEs' then removing Netflix may be reasonable. If it's 'she chats a bit too much in class', then is wouldn't be reasonable at all.

Overall I'd say it was harsh though.

[Lipperfromchipper]

Is she doing GCSE or junior cert??

[LIZS]

How old is dd? If y11 has she had mocks yet?

[AraGrand]

Spanish teacher said that she's disruptive in class - disrupting the entire class. I can identify with that as what I was trying to tell her was that my maths teacher hated me and the feeling was mutual, so I can understand when a teacher takes a particular dislike to you.
Others are full of praise
Another three said things like easily distracted, needs to focus. She's a bit of a flitterygibbit. Always has been.

[AraGrand]

She's doing Junior Cert and is 15.

[AraGrand]

Her report overall was really quite good and I suppose I shouldn't have honed in on the negatives. I was trying not to. I was trying to identify with her because the spanish teacher's comments annoyed me, let alone her.

[Intensicle]

It sounds like you’re punishing her for not responding to your attempt to ‘connect’ with her rather than her behaviour in school.

[Wintersnowdrop]

I don’t understand your reasoning. Your relationship with your maths teacher is irrelevant. She should be focusing on not being disruptive in class and improving her behaviour in that lesson. Sounds like you have taken away her Netflix out of spite, because of your mum and sister. Sounds like your sister is a positive influence in your dd’s life.

[AraGrand]

My maths teacher story was to tell her that I can understand how you can get really negative comments from one teacher.
There's no spite - she's my daughter. Spite doesn't come into it. But disrespecting me is not going to go down well with me.
My sister is a know-it-all who has no children of her own. She is good with dd but I can't 100% agree that she's a wholly positive influence unfortunately. She's very stuck in her ways. She's actually a school principal. I think she's accustomed to people deferring to her greater wisdom or something. But it's my dd - not hers. And she doesn't get to decide what I do or don't talk to dd about.
Myself and dd were always close - until she hit 13. But I recognise that she needs to look outside of me now for support which is why I pander to my sister to an extent. I think she does have dd's best interests at heart - however misguided she may be.

It's hard to describe it, but because I'm a single mum they both think they can stick their oar in. It belittles me and undermines my relationship with my dd. It's almost as if I'm a child and they know better.

[Lipperfromchipper]

I think knock off the Netflix until her mocks and see how she gets on OP. If she does good then come to an arrangement with her for after that. Also, I wouldn’t be too bothered in a sense really, (although I wouldn’t let her know that) her junior Cert doesn’t really doesn’t have any bearing on her subjects for her leaving cert. As long as she puts her head down for her leaving cert she’ll be grand!!

[itsgettingweird]

I think you have your priories wrong here.

The Spanish teacher didn't write negative comments because she hates your dd. She wrote them because your ds is disruptive. Same as the other 3 teachers.

Break it down.

Why is dd disruptive in some lessons not others.
Why is it mainly Spanish.
Why isn't she disruptive in the other subjects?

That's what will help you get to the bottom of this. Don't have the conversation in front of your mum or sister.
Have it with dd as opposed to at her.

Explain to your dd that you know she's not a bad student but that obviously her behaviour has been poor and so a negative cycle has began. Explain relationships with teachers will deteriorate if she's disruptive in lessons. But that you accept that she doesn't do it to be a PITA and want to help her control and improve.

Start by saying you think cutting of Netflix in anger wasn't best way. That you're willing to work with her for her to earn a subscription and have a set timetable for study and Netflix.

Next time she says DSis won't like this just look at her and say as she's neither her parent or headteacher she has no need to. And that clearly if she had students being disruptive in her school she'd deal with it and expect parental support.

Keep your mum and sister out of it. Don't allow your toxic relationship with them to influence your responses to dd or your tolerance levels of her behaviour.

[Intensicle]

‘It's almost as if I'm a child’

If you lash out without thinking things through because you’re angry or hurt it’s only going to make things worse. What was the punishment for?

[pointythings]

Excellent advice from itsgettingweird.

[Intensicle]

This book is always recommended on here

www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-teenagers/dp/1781253315/ref=pd_aw_sbs_14_1/259-3476841-9805061?psc=1&pf_rd_p=0208d703-a674-4413-8899-c3889837d212&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=kjnK1&pf_rd_r=07E7V24P8DM65TNVBMC5&pd_rd_i=1781253315&pd_rd_w=wK0jn&refRID=07E7V24P8DM65TNVBMC5&pd_rd_r=b86c4e6c-154c-49f2-8fc1-c0e1143b7c16&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[ohwheniknow]

The way you write is so hostile and negative about everybody else. Why? Why is your view so loaded? Look at the language you're using.

You have issues with your family, but that has nothing to do with your child's school report. I don't understand why she's being punished for your issues.

Where in all this did your daughter disrespect you? By not deferring to you or agreeing with your aggressive attitude towards your family? I can't see what she did to disrespect you?

And I don't see how the maths teacher anecdote was helpful or relevant.

Your sister has a point about the arguing if this is representative of what you're starting arguments about.

Why are you so angry with everyone?

[AraGrand]

Lol a lifetime of them interfering I suppose.

[AraGrand]

Dd is having Netflix withdrawn as apparently she respects my sister more than me - so I told her to get her aunt to pay for it.

[AraGrand]

Sister is principal of a primary school, not a secondary school.

[AraGrand]

She should be studying rather than being on fucking Netflix.

[AraGrand]

It's very easy to be the fairy godmother. Not so easy to be Mum.
As I said - I recognise that she needs her aunt to vent to, but I'm not prepared to let my sister take over parenting.
Well she can if she pays for her and worries about her as much as I do.

Again, I'll repeat, my sister has no children yet, so is very ideological about children. Then you've the school principal coming into it.

I don't get on with my family at all (for good reason). But I know dd gets on well with them so I step back and haven't isolated her completely (ideally, for my sanity I would have gone NC with both my sister and mother).

[NotYourHun]

You seem to be punishing your DD because you don’t like your sister tbh.