DD age 18 No Motivation or Inclination - Am I Wrong ?

[kalkem72]

So - DD has finished A levels mid June and has since done zilch basically since then. I have nagged, nagged and nagged about getting a part time summer job, sent her links for vacancies, told her to get her CV up to date (for something to do if nothing else), all fallen on deaf ears. She has her mobile phone paid for, has had quite an abundance of money lately spent on her - haircuts, hair done for prom, clothes for holiday etc (she is coming with us, said she was happy to), does nothing to help around the house off her own back, has to be told firmly to do anything. We don't give pocket money just if she needed it - to be fair she doesn't go out that often and does not drink much at all.
Yesterday I saw an advert for a weekend job and told her to go into the cafe and enquire about it - she flatly refused. I completely had a melt down at her when we got home as she had then taken herself back to her pit. She doesn't get it ! I have now refused to pay for anything else that she asks for.
She is due to go to Uni in September - I honestly can't see her coping with all the independence and guarantee she will be home after 3 weeks at the most. She is driving me mad !
What do I do ? Please help !

[ClashCityRocker]

I suspect she is one of many many teens doing the same thing op. I wouldn't worry too much... It will likely be the last 'proper' summer hols she has.

We had similar concerns when dn was going off to uni - but actually, with the various support systems taken away, she coped very well, and matured about ten years between sending her off for her first and second years.

Motivation for a job may well come when she runs out of money.

[kalkem72]

Thank you for your reply. It's so frustrating. I'm hoping that the revision has paid off, she gets the grades and makes it to uni. It will be a sharp shock but may mean she comes back more independent - if she survives cooking, washing and cleaning up after herself !

[MsTSwift]

Agree not doing anything round the house not on but really couldn’t get as worked up about a post a level student having abit of a relaxed summer and certainly wouldn’t be having “melt downs” about lack of job chill out.

[EvaHarknessRose]

Instead of giving her something to push against, turn off the tap. No more than basic needs met (no ‘wants’) unless she has voluntarily earned it. Don’t tell her, let her figure it out. I suggest a year out to mature before she goes to uni.

[Mehmehmeh19]

Exactly the same situation with my DD
I explained to her last week that we'd top up her loan enough to cover living expenses at uni, not for partying clothes etc.
She had a trail shift in the local pub Friday, and working this week.

Also she got told she had to contribute at home. Wouldn't do it off her own back. But I left a detailed list of jobs.

[Tavannach]

if she survives cooking, washing and cleaning up after herself

Maybe she could spend some time learning how to cook simple meals on the budget she'll have.

[mcmen71]

Hi op Get her cooking and cleaning and do her washing and ironing with you to get her ready for college.
Do her a shopping list to get the shopping for family.
When she really wants money and you can't give it she will look for a job.

[mumstaxi2]

I know how frustrating it is when teens don't follow our "suggestions" but to be honest if you've paid for everything without question up till now she probably has little motivation to do so. My sons both had part time jobs from age 16/17 plus with variable hours which have funded all sorts of extras - technology, travels, socialising & went off to uni with very healthy reserves. The practicalities of your daughter getting a job at this point are not great especially as she is going on holiday at some point. Employers often want summer staff for the whole summer especially if they are going off to uni in mid September. My suggestion would be to ease off a little on the job front, encourage your DD to start taking some responsibility at home, get her shopping & cooking & most importantly enjoy your summer together. Come September you may well regret the time you have spent nagging when you could have enjoyed each others company more..

[corythatwas]

Please don't get into the mindset that if she spends this one summer unproductively she will never cope with anything. It's not as if she hasn't got some hard work planned: she is going to university in September, she will be learning to live independently as well as studying, she won't be wasting much time. And don't feel that if you haven't taught her everything before she goes, she is a lost cause. Young people these days learn to cook from YouTube, they learn about practical things from each other via social media, she will pick up hundreds of things that she wouldn't learn from you.

Make her help at home because it's a fair thing to do rather than because there is x amount of knowledge she needs to have amassed before September.

[WarriorsAll]

I think it's fear of failure rather than laziness which stops a lot of kids applying for jobs. It's a bit late now to be applying, employers will want someone for more than 6 weeks - even in a cafe. I would be insisting on her helping around the house, including cooking and doing her own washing - but don't expect to be done with a smile.

How is she being financed for Uni - I doubt your stand off with money is a credible threat - she'll need loads of stuff before she goes and you will end up paying for it. I think you've tackled this too late in the summer but going forward you need to talk finances with her - she needs to learn to be financially responsible - getting money from you as and when does not help her learn how to budget...she's never had the need and that to me is a more important lesson to learn.

[Pap02]

I am worried that my relationship with my DD is becoming very strained. She is a bright girl who left school last summer and was due to go to uni. She then decided to defer for a year and has had a series of dead end jobs so far. She then changed her mind about going away to uni and managed to transfer to our local uni so she could stay at home. At the end of August she met her first boyfriend. It has become serious very quickly with conversations about moving in together taking place after a few months. I can’t say I particularly like him, his values are different to my families but he does seem to make her happy. She has now decided not to go to uni at all and withdrew her application without telling me. All we seem to do is bicker and she is spending more and more time at her dads . I have told her that I think she is making a mistake about uni and that she is far to serious about the boyfriend. We used to be so close but she doesn’t seem to listen to any of my advice. I feel she could make so much more of her life and am worried that she will regret her decisions in the future. Any advice welcome.

[Pap02]

Sorry I’m new to this and thought I was posting my problem.

[1300cakes]

It's fair to insist that she helps around the house, and say that you think she should get a job. YANBU to say she can't have anymore money, or that she can only have x limited amount.

But saying she definitely won't be able to cope at uni is a bit silly and unwarranted. Why wouldn't she? What's to cope with? Yes she is being a bit lazy, doesn't mean she literally doesn't know how to feed herself for example. Go to shop, buy food, eat it.

I worked all that summer between school and uni, worked my butt off for 40 hours a week at a shit job and in retrospect I realise it was pointless. It didn't help me and was a waste, I wish I had sat around.

[fishonabicycle]

Just don't give her any money.