Things blow up & I’d like to change it, need advice about how to do this if you have been there.

[crosser62]

Ds is nearly 15.
He is a nice kid. No drugs, alcohol, doesn’t go out all hours, has one good friend.
Has just left school, GCSE’s are done.

We also have a younger child. This is where the trouble starts.
He can be mean to younger ds, makes little one distressed and upset.
I separate them, referee them, have had numerous conversations with older ds about leading by example, teaching kindness, being more mature.... over and over and over again.
But it continues.
I have had enough. I’m not having the little one exposed to it any longer.
It came to a head a few days ago. I had to walk away because I was so angry I was frightened of what I would do to him.
This led to me avoiding all contact with ds for 3 days. I actually completely cut myself off from him.

Needing to put things right, I have tried to speak with him. He won’t have it. So I’ve text him, he has replied to this. It seems to be the way of communicating with him at present.
I will actually speak with him when he is ready.
He is withdrawing, says he doesn’t care about anything anymore. This worries me more than anything.

But what can I do to get through to him?
How to move forward?
I’m lost and worried and don’t know how to parent him anymore.

[Birdie6]

How old is your younger child ?

[crosser62]

6

[crosser62]

He is difficult, we haven’t had a great relationship as he can be hard work.
I struggle and am not a natural parent, dh is a fab parent and has a lovely relationship with both kids.

I know I am impacting on older ds’s mental health negatively and I can’t have that.
How to do things right the way that every other parent does.

[dimsum123]

My DD was mean to her younger sibling because she felt he was the favourite and got more attention.

We made a huge effort to ensure she didn't feel that way and her behaviour changed dramatically.

Just something to consider.

[crosser62]

Thanks very much.
That is something I consider as absolutely relevant as little one does get loads of attention and as ds is nearly 16 gets on with stuff himself.

He is somewhat ignored sadly after being an only for 10 years and getting full attention it must be hard.

[crosser62]

Anyone else?

[cptartapp]

Nearly 15 and he's done his GCSE's??

[crosser62]

Ah no sorry, nearly 16!

[mcmen71]

There is another thread holding onto the rope very helpful.

[ThisIsNotAIBUPeople]

I have this a bit with my 15 yr old and 10 year old. I do think there's a bit of jealousy there sometimes, I often have to be scrupulously fair between them and spell it out to the 15yr old that I have been fair, also I try really hard to make time for them both separately but its not easy. I have made it clear to the eldest that it is unacceptable to be mean, I emphasise how much his little brother looks up to him and how he can be a good role model for him.
I think you need to reach out to your eldest, by Text if necessary, take the first step and say you're sorry things have broken down between the 2 of you, and that you want to make things right. Tell him you love him loads and want to support him. Take it from there.
Good luck OP