14 ds is frightening the life out of me

[smellycandle]

Really worried about my 14yo ds. I recently found out he has been breaking into building sites to climb. He and his friend like to take pics and videos and they follow the parcore you tubers. It is absolutely terrifying to see some of the risks they are taking climbing cranes and scaffolding. Last month he was brought home by the police as somebody had seen them on a site.
Last night I discovered he has also been experimenting with weed and vaping. I went through his snapchat and it is full of pics of weed/joints and videos of him smoking.
I also discovered he is stealing sweets from our local supermarket to sell at school. He even has a price list that he has been sending to friends.
I confronted him this morning and so far punishment is no devices, no pocket money (£10pw), grounded. I've searched his room and didn't find anything.
He doesn't think it is a big deal and thinks I'm over reacting. I'm planning on trying to have an honest chat with him tonight but can see it ending up with me just talking at him as his response to everything is I don't know.
We've had a difficult time the past year or two for lots of reasons and I can only see this getting worse and more dangerous.
Any advice?

[smellycandle]

Anyone?

[Ooplesandbanoonoos]

You are doing the right thing with clear boundaries. Try when things are calm- not at the time of and incident or argument- to explain why these things make you worried but remember he is a teenager who does not have full grasp of consequential thinking yet so he is unlikely to agree.

Can you talk to parents of the other kids to give the same message to them all. Do you have a DP/ extended family who can also talk to him?

Does he have other interest you could channel. Could he join a climbing club to do this activity more safely. Could he get a job or join a business enterprise club to channel his quite skilled business skills in a positive way?

Good luck.

[smellycandle]

I'm friendly with the other parents, they just have boys will be boys attitude.
I bought my son an expensive camera for Xmas and a photography course to try to channel his enthusiasm but so far he hasn't used it much. Keeps saying I don't like 'that photography'
I've looked into parkour clubs but there isn't any in my area and the one I found (a couple of trains away) is on a Saturday but he has football commitments then.
No unfortunately no dp or family and friends have their own troubles.
The weed and stealing has really disturbed me. I'm terrified he will just get more and more brazen.

[frenchonion]

Is there a climbing wall near you? Climbing centres tend to have a brilliant vibe and you get kind of pulled into a community if you go regularly. It's really appealing to teenagers too, as climbers tend to be a friendly helpful bunch and the young student age strong competitive climbers definitely have the cool factor.

If there is one close try taking him down there a couple of times a week. Mine runs outdoors rock climbing courses and once he knows the ropes he'd be able to channel the adrenaline stuff into a much safer activity (although to be fair it's not without risks, but certainly more controlled risks than free soloing cranes). Its also a running joke in the climbing community that teenage climbers never do drugs as they spend all their money on climbing equipment instead...bonus! Worth a try?

[Ooplesandbanoonoos]

Maybe ask local/ community police officer to have firm talk about consequences of criminal behaviour and drug use on future. Is there good pastoral care at school who could help?

[smellycandle]

Thanks for your suggestions.
There is a climbing wall not far from us and I will definitely encourage/ask again if he would like to go but in the past he has said these centres are babyish, he is a know it all teen!
I'd be worried to get police/school involved, we are under Cahms due to adhd but they don't do anything tbh

[TheJobNeverEnded]

As a family we watch Fail Army on YouTube, but I also made my children watch clips from 24 hours in A&E so they could see what the aftermath is, how long it takes in hospital and the physio needed after broken bones.

Because they have never encountered it. They see people doing stupid thing but don't see the consequences. And also ambulance stuff to see how long you actually wait for an ambulance and access on a building site would be difficult to get to.

Sadly for us a boy in their school was knocked down and killed relatively close to our house. So it did bring home seeing how upset his mates were at school.

Also I think you need to drive home that you are not trying to ruin his fun, you love him and point out that you are sure neither of you wants you to be wiping his arse if he should break both his arms/lots of fingers to add some humour in.

If he gets a criminal record lots of avenues would be closed off to him. In my sons' school they promote having choices, so the more GCSE/BTECs you get the more choices you have of where you go afterwards.

[Moondancer73]

How worrying for you.
Have you got a granddad figure that your son might listen to if he won't listen to you? My youngest and his friend used to experiment a bit with parkour and take photos which used to scare the pants off me but nothing on the scale that you mention and he is now 17 - was16 at the time.
If you had a granddad maybe your DS would listen more to him?