DD18 Going off the rails....

[4TeensAndABaby]

Morning Mumsnetters.

Really needing some sound advice on the best way to handle this.

Eldest DD18 is at University. This is her first year. She's been quite a difficult teenager (loud, rude, opinionated etc), but is intelligent, and has usually had her head screwed on. She's always had a certain sense of entitlement, which I've tried my best to knock out of her. I work full time, am a single parent, but have and do still spend every evening doing stuff for the children (clubs, sports, activities etc).

I was really hoping Uni would be the making of her. She needed her own space, and to learn to be independent. She calls most days, says she's having an amazing time, goes out with her friends and has joined some sports clubs down there.

Fast forward to now. She's been coming home more and more often. She always has a reason to come back - doctors appt, meet up with friends, see family. When she's home she's just horrible to be around. She starts arguments with her siblings, she's rude, she swears like you wouldn't believe, and does bugger all around the house to help. Everyone just walks on eggshells when she's here, and her sisters cannot wait for her to go back to Uni.
She came back last Sunday. Spent 99% of the time lazing on the sofa. I asked for help a couple of times (loading dishwasher, taking her stuff upstairs, helping me put stuff in the loft) - she moaned and refused. She said "I don't have to do chores anymore as I don't live here". I snapped and told her this wasn't a hotel, and she needs to be respectful.
She went out on Saturday night 'clubbing'. Sent me a text to say her uncle was picking her up and she was staying with him at her nans. She got home Sunday afternoon, and proceeded to tell me that she got so drunk she was kicked out of the nightclub for being sick everywhere, and she thought this was funny. She also stank of marijuana. I told her this, and she said she didn't know why.

Gosh this is long - sorry! Anyhoo, she went back to university yesterday, and then her sister asked if we could talk (DD17). Apparently eldest DD has told her sister that she regularly smokes marijuana and takes cocaine - with her uncle (Dads Brother - 36). She's also buying drugs at University from someone she knows (and who was a dealer back home before he went to the same uni)

So the question is, what on earth do I do? I don't want her to drop out of Uni. She's doing a Maths degree, she's bright, and well spoken. Except she's now going off the rails. How do I get through to her (she won't listen to me)? I'm worried that this new lifestyle will ruin her future and ambitions, and I just want to help.

I'm hoping other Mn'ers have been through this and can offer some insight or advice.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Really sorry OP. I have no idea on this one. Hopefully someone will be along soon

[ImNotYourToy]

I haven't been through this I'm afraid, but what I will say is that she's 18 years old. You cannot tell her or make her not drop out of uni. That's her mistake and her decision to make.

I would also tell her that if she keeps disrespecting the family then she isn't welcome to go to yours anymore unless she changes her ways. Sorry this sounds harsh, but her attitude stinks and none of you should be putting up with it.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

I'd talk to adfam too 4Teens if you haven't already

[lljkk]

My qualifications is parent of a 19yo & a 17yo (your first full paragr could describe my 17yo).

I would tackle it all directly.

I understand that you are doing X & Y. Never mind how I found out. Are you going to admit it? Is that why you're so foul when you visit? Don't you want good things in your life? Why are you sabotaging it all? Well this is shit way to live and YOU KNOW it. Why are you so unhappy that you want to do these things?

How many tonnes of bricks can you gather to dump on the head of Uncle?

[4TeensAndABaby]

Thank you for the replies. It's reassuring (although not good for you) that I'm not the only one in a similar situation.

I've tried talking to her directly. She's one of those people who is never wrong. If she ever apologises it's followed by a 'but I wouldn't have done it if they didn't do this' scenario. She's also very good at playing the victim to gather sympathy (doesn't wash with me however)

Not sure how to tackle the uncle. I've spoken to her father (his Brother), he was as useful as a chocolate teapot, and needs to think about what he will do/say next.

[juneau]

How about reporting the drug-dealing uncle to the police? That might just give him pause for thought before he deals drugs to his niece again! What an absolute fuckwit. Argh!

As for your DD, yes I would be upfront and tell her that you know exactly what's going on. Are you paying for uni? Giving her money to live on? You might want to review how much she's getting if she has enough left over to buy drugs, as last time I checked they weren't exactly cheap if you do them regularly. I'd also do a quick google search for the university's pastoral care team and give them a call. They will be familiar with students going off the rails, particularly in first year, and might be able to give you some advice and help on how to handle this

[Singlenotsingle]

Is this the same thread as the one where 18yo was coming home from uni every weekend and expecting her washing to be done for her? I would suggest maybe you and DH have a meeting with her and tell her this behaviour is totally unacceptable, and not to come back again until she starts acting like an adult, doing her share of chores when asked, and behaving respectfully

[Wolfiefan]

She’s been allowed to get away with being rude and entitled. So she’s carrying on as she’s always behaved.
“Coming home more and more often” stop that. You’re not running a hotel. That’ll keep her away from uncle.
If she can agree to live by house rules then you’ll see her at next holiday.
Where is she getting the money for drugs?

[CherryPavlova]

I think there are several issues that need separating out.

First year of university can be hard emotionally. From being a cosseted top dog of the family and possibly top at school, they become very ordinary at a time they are moving from all things familiar. New people, managing for themselves, unlimited freedom and nobody Nguyen up,on you. It can be a lonely and challenging place.
She’s coming home which means she’s not totally off the rails. She wants to be part of the family but must feel she doesn’t fit in anywhere. Your life as a family is carrying on without her. She probably feels an irrelevance. Is anyway you can give her the unconditional love, prodigal daughter experience? Fetch her from the station, arrange one to one time and listen over a hot chocolate. Lots of hugs and joy at seeing her. Maybe a family meal out or cinema. Definitely a hot water bottle in her bed and genuine delight and interest. Reestablish that sense of belonging. Lots of universities do empty at weekends . Better she is safe at home than doing drugs in a sleazy nightclub. She’s young yet.

Then behaviour at home. A simple but firm explanation that rules remain. She’s probably desperate for rules but just doesn’t have the maturity to know it. Manage as a much younger child. That’s emotionally where she is at the moment. Set jobs. Reward the positives. Known sanctions. Forget and forgive all the “I’m an adult” rubbish and manage the behaviour. It will pass with love and support.

Then her uncle. If he was dealing drugs to my teenager, I would involve the police. If that is too hard , I’d have very, strong words about my next action should ever take her out again. Tell him to find new friends and stay away. Better offend him than end up at your child’s funeral. Explain the next step is the police to her father too.

[4TeensAndABaby]

Singlenotsingle Not the same thread. I definitely don't do her washing. They've always done their own (from about 12 onwards!)

Just to clarify - the uncle isn't dealing (that I know of), he's just enabling the taking of the drugs and thinking it's 'normal' behaviour. He's also got a new house (local to us) where he's now given her her own bedroom. This means that she will happily go there now (which I hate the thought of) each time she returns.

CherryPavlova You make some very good points, and will definitely take that on board. Perhaps I could/should make more of an 'effort' when she's home. I just don't want her to expect treats every time she's back! I will certainly look at how I'm responding to her behaviours though, and offer more positives when she's being nice.

[4TeensAndABaby]

Forgot to add. I don't give her any money. She has her maintenance loan, and any money from ad hoc working part time (which is a whole other thread! She really needs to get a damn job!)

[Wolfiefan]

She’s not buying cocaine on a little bit of ad hoc part time work OP

[woolduvet]

I was going to suggest turning her room into a gym/sewing room etc but she'd go to the dodgy uncle.
I'd report uncle on 101.
Can you ring her uni support??
I'd have to lay it out to her that she's welcome home if she's lovely to everyone, as "she doesn't live here anymore" but you're not putting up with the bad behaviour.