My nearly 16yr old DS, and husband, feel like they're constantly at war and it's impossible for me.
DH stays away for work at least 2 nights per week and I feel like thats when the house is at its calmest! DH can be quite abrupt and rude sounding, in the way he speaks to people but cannot see it at all. He also has a bit of a 'thing' about being obeyed by the kids. This makes him sound awful! He's not at all, but I suppose his learnt parenting style is much more authoritative than mine.
Unsurprisingly, when this bumps up against our typically lazy, on occasion rude, and fairly uncooperative teenage son, then fireworks ensue. DS feels like he's constantly being told what to do in a shouty aggressive manner, so gives it back in the same way (with an added 10% because he's a grumpy teenager!) which DH then loses his rag about. Cue a full on shouting match and hours of strop from DS.
I can often see how my DH's expectations or tone of voice set things off, but in the heat of the moment there's nothing I can do to helpfully intervene. I obviously don't want to undermine him in front of our son.
Afterwards I'll try to explain to him that perhaps he didn't need to tell DS off about that particular thing (because it really wasn't something worth making an issue over in the first place) or that he sounded really aggressive (he can't ever see that himself) but by then a bit more damage has been done to his relationship with our son and he often responds by essentially throwing his hands in the air and saying he won't bother interacting with, or doing anything with, DS because he "can't ever get it right". It's obviously making him feel crap too.
I should add that whilst we do have some fall outs, I can generally get DS to co-operate and do things I ask. Partly because we have a pretty good relationship and partly because I have a much softer and more gentle way of communicating with him.
Which brings me back to thinking that the issue mostly lies with DH 
but I can't work out how to help him do anything differently. The longer it all goes on, the worse their overall relationship gets and the quicker they both are to react badly to one another over the slightest of things.
Any ideas or people who've experienced similar and have wisdom to share?
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Teenagers
Husband and son hate one another
Dotty342kids · 08/02/2019 18:13
We used to have this
DH and I have very different parenting styles, he is a lot more authoritarian, and wants to be "obeyed"
I am very much about appealing to them to be reasonable, giving them time and let them make mistakes/have their own responsibility
We both want the same though, as I imagine you and your DH do
We used to have stressy mornings with lots of shouting (from DH about the boys getting up/packing their stuff/leaving the house on time) and I said mornings were too stressful (for me 
) and could we try a change... Now DC get ready on their own terms, they leave the house on time, in the correct uniform, and actually never miss the school bus. Sometimes they forget their PE kit or have not done their homework, then the school give them a detention, then they become more careful.
Just changing our mornings has made DH realise that lots of shouting orders is unnecessary, and adds unnecessary stress.
So he was more open to changing his attitude. Saying that, at time it is great to have a more authoritative parent (and if DH is right I back him up).
I guess we all make it up as we go along ......
Could you persuade DH to do one small aspect of parenting your way, then asses the results together? And move from there?
That sounds like it worked really well for you 
.... definitely worth me thinking about, thank you. Yesterday DH asked our son to do something, in a much softer tone of voice than usual, and it was done. No issues. No arguing. Fab! I pointed out to DH right away, that I'd noticed the positive difference it had made but he kind of brushed it off. I guess it's hard to admit that I might have a point!
Trouble is, it's such a huge change to his default way of communicating that it feels like a big effort for him. He's 'tried' before but he soon reverts back to the norm and we're back to square one before i know it. Esp if he's tired and stressed which can be quite often!
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Dotty342kids · 09/02/2019 22:41
Oh gosh storminateacup, that sounds horrid for your niece and nephew. And not great for you either! How do you stay calm/sane when you, DH and kds are all together, at weekends and holidays etc?
To PP who asked about joint activities .. DS and DH don't really have any things they like to do in common, sadly. They do both quite like rugby but despite my encouraging DH in the past, to take DS to matches together, he's only got around to it on the odd occasion and now there's so much bad feeling between them that they don't want to do anything together. Can barely get them to sit through a family meal.
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