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My daughters friends...

(17 Posts)
Lovemusic33 Tue 11-Dec-18 12:27:37

My daughter is almost 15, she has alsways struggled with socialising and keeping friends but she a small group of friends who are quite similar to her, my dd has Aspergers, highly intelligent but childish at times, most of her friends possibly sit somewhere on the autistic spectrum too. Some of her friends are lovely, quiet and well behaved but one of them I struggle a little with. Tonight she has a couple of friends over for a pre Christmas get together and I’m dreading this one boy coming over. He seems to get over excited and touches everything, sometimes he breaks things, he puts his feet on my coffee table (with his shoes on) and will go in and out to the back garden despite me telling the not to go outside (I have a dog and I don’t want anyone treading dog shit through my house), he lies on the floor, jumps around and is very loud. I have told dd to make sure he keeps his feet off my table and that I don’t want any mess in my living room left over by them tonight.

My youngest dd has ASD and has always been a handful but doesn’t behave like this boy does, I feel like I have to hide anything I don’t want broken.

I know people will say ‘don’t invite him over’ but he is one of my dd’s best friends and he’s a lovely lad when not bouncing off the walls, I don’t want to discourage dd having friends as it’s taken many years for her to invite friends over,

ShalomJackie Tue 11-Dec-18 12:29:46

Pooper scoop before he comes over.

Tell him to take his feet off the table.

Other than that I don't really have any suggestions. Does your DD notice when he does these things. Perhaps she can tell him to rein it in a bit.

primoestate Tue 11-Dec-18 12:31:19

Clear the dog crap up.....solves that.
Shoes off at the door....fixed.

A580Hojas Tue 11-Dec-18 12:32:51

Are you going to be staying in? Can you sit in the kitchen and stop him going out the back door? Really, any teenager should be able to understand that simple instruction. Greet him at the front door, insist on shoes off and just say "I want to be absolutely clear that I don't want anyone going out to the back garden tonight, do you understand?" Say the same to all of them.

Incidentally, why is your back garden full of dog shit? Isn't that rather gross?

BlankTimes Tue 11-Dec-18 12:46:20

His touching everything sounds like a sensory issue, he should bring fidget toys.

Don't single him out, just make sure they all know the house rules as of now.

Greet them all at the door.
Shoes off for everyone.
Tell them all if they break something they pay for it.
Tell them all no-one is to go into the garden.
Lock the door to the garden and keep the key with you.

Lovemusic33 Tue 11-Dec-18 13:25:42

I will be staying in bit will be upstairs. I do clean up dog poop every day but my harden is big and I can't guarantee there's no poop out there once it's dark and the dogs going to go out there, also it's muddy so I don't want mud in my house.

Dd doesn't notice as she's often too excited and overloaded herself (She's very similar to this boy but does not behave like him when she goes to people's houses). The group of friends get rather excited when together and it gets pretty noisy. They usually sit down and watch game shows but then they are shouting at the tv (they all like watching the chase and university challenge as they are all pretty geeky) 🤣

Its nice to see Dd having fun and I don't mind them being a bit noisy, it's more the disrespect from this boy as he will pick everything up and put his dirty feet everywhere (on my furniture). He doesn't have a diagnosis of ASD bit I strongly suspect he has Aspergers (he has a sibling with ASD), he does seem to have sensory issues and I understand that he struggles to sit still. I don't want to have to tell him off because at the moment I'm the 'cool mum' as I let them all meet up at my house and they like coming here, it's the first time dd has been popular in her little group.

Hopefully if I supply them with enough food tonight will go quickly without any breakages.

Lovemusic33 Tue 11-Dec-18 13:26:32

I will also lock the back door, if the dog wants to go out dd will have to get the key.

Lovemusic33 Tue 11-Dec-18 13:30:28

And I'm not sure where i wrote that my garden is full of dog poo? I have a dog, she goes out in the evening and it's too dark for me to go out hunting for the turd so it gets picked up in the morning. I haven't got a garden full of shit 😐

Lovemusic33 Wed 12-Dec-18 07:43:51

Poor dd spent the evening trying to control her friend, stopping him from breaking things, telling him to calm down and telling him to keep his feet off the table ☹️. He did take his shoes off when he came in. He tried to go out into the garden several times (could hear dd telling him not too), I stayed upstairs. I don’t think they will be coming over again for a while.

MsJolly Wed 12-Dec-18 07:56:55

sad

BlankTimes Wed 12-Dec-18 18:26:52

to control her friend, stopping him from breaking things, telling him to calm down and telling him to keep his feet off the table ☹️. He did take his shoes off when he came in. He tried to go out into the garden several times

Who else do you have in your home who behaves like that without censure and is over 3 years old?

Having said that, it does sound very much like ADHD and sensory issues, maybe he masks all day if that's possible and can't hold it together for an evening meet-up, in which case suggest a weekend morning or mid-day meet-up and be there to enforce your house rules.

I'd have a word with his parents. It's not on for them to let him visit other peoples' houses if his ability to self-regulate is so out of whack.
How the hell do his parents expect him to get on in life, in FE or in a job if this is how he thinks it's okay to behave in someone else's house?

Lovemusic33 Fri 14-Dec-18 08:41:05

Blank he has a sibling with ASD, lives with his father and siblings, I think they are allowed to do what they like at home. Dd goes out with her friends occasionally in town and it worries me as they are quite childish (dd can be too) which is why I offered for them to hang out here instead (at least I know they are safe). My kids are pretty chilled out despite having ASD, my house is usually pretty quiet so I find it hard having noisy kids here, I thought at the age of almost 15 they would just hang out, watch a film and chat, I was wrong ☹️

Lara53 Fri 14-Dec-18 08:45:55

Kids with add/adhd are operating at an emotional level at least 3/4 years below their actual age so in actual fact he’s behaving like a 10 year old

DadJoke Fri 14-Dec-18 08:56:45

You sound like a great and caring parent. Offering your DD and her friends the chance to let off steam in a safe environment is admirable.

Put the garden entirely out of bounds and keep the key.

One thing to do is to make it your DD’s responsibility to clean up after her friends’ visit. Do it with her. Ideally have the friends join in before they leave.

There isn’t much you can do about the noise - best to just put up with that. Maybe you could ask DD to move the coffee table out of range?

Finally, if you speak kindly to the lad and explain the rules of the house, it might have an effect. I think it’s unlikely speaking to his parents will help.

Seeline Fri 14-Dec-18 09:01:26

I don't have experience of DCs with ASD, but apart from the touching of things, much of what you describe sounds fairly normal for a group of 14/15 yos on a relaxed night in. They do make a lot of noise (unless glued to their phones - and I know which I would prefer!). They have a lot of energy to burn, and I wouldn't have a problem with them wanting to go out - although I appreciate your issue with the dog.

I think at that age they are still on the cusp of childhood/adulthood and often do end up behaving more like toddlers than adults. I would be keeping a close eye on them, and whilst lying on the floor wouldn't be an issue, I would stick my head round the door every so often and tell them to get their feet off the furniture etc.

Lovemusic33 Fri 14-Dec-18 09:04:32

Dd and her other friend tidied up after he left.

I just don’t understand the lack of respect to my things (him putting his feet on my table and sofa), my kids would never dream of putting their feet on anyone’s furniture and my youngest is quite severely autistic.

I have taken this boy out for a meal before and his behaviour was great, he’s well behaved at school and academically is top of his year group. I’m sure dd will want him to come over again for her birthday or to take him somewhere to eat, I might suggest the cinema and then they can go in without me.

Greenglassteacup Fri 14-Dec-18 09:11:17

I know it’s a controversial topic on here but, shoes off at the point of entry.

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