Finally lost patience with DS1 (17)

[GoldenMcOldie]

Tell me that it gets better. He is a good student - just about to finish school (Australia). He treats everybody outside the family wonderfully.

At home he is lazy, withdrawn and frankly treats me with disdain (at best).

I honestly feel like I could drop dead and he couldn't care less.

Sick and tired of always bending over backwards to accommodate him when he can't even greet me.

A few really stressful days this week, where he has just scanned around in his self centered bubble. I have cracked it and just can't even talk to him. We are due to attend an end of year tomorrow - I am so pissed off I don't want to go.

Talk me down and tell me it gets better please.

[forbiddenfruitcrumble]

Reporting for talk-down!

It does get better.

How are the conversations you do have? At this age we had a lot of transactional conversations, i.e. i'll only do x if you clear up your room, etc.

[GoldenMcOldie]

@Forbidden - Thank you. Transactional is a perfect description. Mostly I ask for very little. He only talks to me when he wants something.

I don't want much, just basic courtesy and some contribution towards making the house/day run a tiny bit more easily.

[forbiddenfruitcrumble]

What happens if you try to talk to him? I learned a simple method from the 'how to talk to teens so they listen and listen so they talk' book.

For me it wasn't that I particularly needed him to help, it was that I felt he was treating me like a servant and I felt a bit of an idiot running around after him.

When we started to have more meaningful conversations, or at least interactions that didn't end in him picking an argument with me, I didn't feel so bad about his laziness.

I stopped commenting on what he was saying and just made interested but non-committal noises, which meant the conversation didn't break down and became less adversarial. Don't worry he will pick up on what you're doing - he's not listening to you!

There is a lot going on in their heads at this age.

Another very important thing for me was I stopped issuing any sanctions in the moment. When he was hideous I would say, there may be consequences for that, or some other such bland thing, and then go and calm down.

[Benji13]

Feel your pain. My Ds2 has just turned 18 and can be lovely but very much in his own bubble. It’s sll about him and I ‘nag’ too much. I’d like to say it gets better but ds1 who is 22 isn’t that much better. I’m told by pals they come out of this self centred bubble by about 25!! ( boys)