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My twin boys want to move in with their dad

(23 Posts)
acls Mon 06-Aug-18 11:04:56

Hi,
I have been separated from my Ex since my boys were 2 1/2 (they are now 13). The boys have lived with me the whole time since. When the boys were 8 my ex had a new baby with his new wife and shortly after that I received a letter from him to advise that he was no longer having contact with the boys.

I managed to convince him to see them and for the next 3/4 years he would then see them one Saturday a month for a few hours. In the last year he started to have them overnight on those Saturdays.

We get on ok - times have been very tough in the past but we have managed to put differences aside and move on for the boys sake.

Times have been strained recently with the boys. I put this down to their hormones as the attitudes and answering back have been increasing thick and fast. This has been incredibly hurtful because they would never dare speak to their dad in the same way. However, again, I thought this was just the norm that I would get thr brunt of everything because they lived with me.

This morning they told me that they had been speaking to their dad and they have decided that they are going to move in with him to 'experience what it would be like'. My heart is breaking - I feel humiliated and I don't know what to do. I know I can't stop them but it is making me feel so incredibly hurt and at the same time so angry that I have given them everything over the years and now get this. Their dad is financially wealthy and I have struggled over the years but they have never gone without.

I am expecting a call from their dad this week to talk about it but I know I am just going to cry and I don't want to on the phone to him.

Financially I can't afford to pay him maintenance either as I have debts I am trying to pay off.

Has anyone been through this and any advice would be greatly appreciated? x

OP’s posts: |
Dancer12345 Mon 06-Aug-18 11:19:22

Not been through it and not really any advice sorry but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry to hear this and appreciate just how upset you must be. I’m sure it’s no reflection on you though - they’re boys so maybe want the male input for a while? Personally I don’t think their dad should’ve discussed it with them without talking to you first. Or at least should’ve contacted you afterwards straightaway.

I’m sure others will be able to offer advice but in the meantime flowers

acls Mon 06-Aug-18 11:27:24

Thank you. Incredibly hurt but don't want them to know how much as it isn't their fault. They have my partner their step-dad who has been there for them since they were 5 but I guess they think the grass will be greener on the other side. xx

OP’s posts: |
gamerchick Mon 06-Aug-18 11:28:21

Break it down for the minute, think practically. What does them going to live with their dad look like financially. Child benefit, tax credits etc. Look at all of that and suggest a time frame with their dad on when you make it official and offer him a percentage of the money you receive. Make list of all things like school expenses, doctors details, appointments if any. When he realises the reality of teenagers full time it might put him off.

Try not to look at it emotionally for the minute because if it doesn't work out you're the one that'll have to mop up the mess.

Dancer12345 Mon 06-Aug-18 11:36:13

Would it be worth discussing with their dad about increasing the level of contact gradually? To go from one night a week to full time is a huge jump for them. Plus does dad realise that it means a lot for him in terms of washing, possible school runs, homework, lifts places, etc etc. Maybe they could spend two or three nights a week with him at first to see how things go.

Jaxhog Mon 06-Aug-18 11:40:32

A gradual approach would seem best. But make sure it's during school term time, rather than holidays. I suspect they'll soon find the grass is no greener with their Dad, and I suspect Dad will find the same.

flapjackfairy Mon 06-Aug-18 11:44:24

Is it even likely to last though? If he struggled with once a month it is not going to be easy. And no offence but his wife may not fancy dealing with two hormonal teenage lads and having them eating her out of house and home . I would put it down to a flight of fancy. They are not daft and will know all you have done for them and long-term they will acknowledge that so smile sweetly and play the long game.

VimFuego101 Mon 06-Aug-18 11:53:22

I would include your ex's new partner in the discussion. Somehow I think she may not be too thrilled about two hormonal teenagers moving in.

JulianOfNorwich Mon 06-Aug-18 11:55:16

Please don't feel humiliated. I understand you are hurt and angry but there is no need for you to be humiliated. They're not rejecting you because you're no good or because they don't love you or need you.
It's obvious you are a good strong parent to your DCs- and, as they are only used to visiting their DDad not living with him, they think they'll have a freer time there. That's why they think they want to go.
They are also at an age where they will identify much more with their same-sex parent.
Try and set aside your feelings of humiliation to have a full and frank talk about all the practicalities with their DD. Does he truly realise what this would entail? Could they go and stay for the rest of the summer holidays, see how it goes and revisit situation in a few weeks.
I would be concerned that it might not work out from their DDad and StepM's POV, and if the boys came back to you, they might be hurt and rejected.

sashh Mon 06-Aug-18 11:59:53

Let them go, they will soon be back.

Teenagers develop a selfish streak, probably something to do with starting to leave caves and finding food for themselves and now we have the same instincts but a different lifestyle.

They are used to dad once a month, both dad and twins on best behaviour and possibly step mum and 5 year old sibling.

They will be used to treats, staying up, getting anything they ask for etc etc.

It will be a shock to them and their dad when they have to be up for school and out of the house. Or they can't make a noise because sibling is in bed.

Oh and never underestimate a 5 year old, their sibling will follow them round the house in adoration and they will be fed up in 24 hours.

AnnieAnoniMoose Mon 06-Aug-18 12:00:07

I’m sorry, you must be feeling very hurt . TRY not to take it personally though, kids can be very mercenary and quick to jump to easier options. Often the parent that really doesn’t give a crap is the easiest parent to live with. As a teen I loved my boyfriend’s mum and resented my own, because my boyfriends mum let us do as we pleased and made us toasted sandwiches for dinner...yes DINNER. Whereas my Mum insisted on vegetables and keeping my bedroom door open...🙄😁

I don’t know which way I’d go, it would depend on the personalities involved. I’d either either let them go (if I was 99.9% sure it wouldn’t work out) OR refuse. You CAN stop & you CAN make him have to take you to court and he wouldn’t get them.

There’s not a hope in hell I’d let be them live with some cunt who said he was going ‘no contact’ with them and had minimal contact under pressure. Someone who was wealthy but let his boys live in a home where money was a struggle. No fucking way. If necessary I’d be telling the boys a few home truths about Daddy Darling, not to be nasty, just because they need to know what type of a man he actually is.

You might not have to say or do anything once his wife gets a whiff of this plan!

Singlenotsingle Mon 06-Aug-18 12:01:30

They want to try it, so I think you should let them go with a smile and a wave. It'll be interesting to see how long it lasts! It'll be good for them to see that the grass isn't always greener somewhere else. Keep their rooms readyfortheschoolhols them and enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts. I wonder what their DSM thinks about it - after all, she's the one who's going to be looking after them. I wonder if she was consulted?

endofthelinefinally Mon 06-Aug-18 12:02:32

I think this happens a lot.
My friend went through a very messy divorce. Her ex behaved appallingly.
He had an affair, tried to take all the property and money.
Teenaged sons wanted to go and live with him and new wife.
She sent them off with her blessing. I think they lasted a couple of weeks.

I think you should write a list of important stuff regarding school etc and let them go.
Obviously work out the finances first.
Tell them you love them and they are always welcome in their home with you, but let them find out what living with their dad would be like in reality.
Make sure you inform their school in case there are problems around uniforms and homework etc.

Singlenotsingle Mon 06-Aug-18 12:02:59

Not school hols. I wonder where that came from!

wiilowmelangell Mon 06-Aug-18 12:08:36

They want the "experience".
Give them a months tryout.
Dad and step mum will find it instructive.
Then in 5 weeks, all sit down and work out a new access agreement.

wiilowmelangell Mon 06-Aug-18 12:08:36

They want the "experience".
Give them a months tryout.
Dad and step mum will find it instructive.
Then in 5 weeks, all sit down and work out a new access agreement.

wiilowmelangell Mon 06-Aug-18 12:08:36

They want the "experience".
Give them a months tryout.
Dad and step mum will find it instructive.
Then in 5 weeks, all sit down and work out a new access agreement.

wiilowmelangell Mon 06-Aug-18 12:08:36

They want the "experience".
Give them a months tryout.
Dad and step mum will find it instructive.
Then in 5 weeks, all sit down and work out a new access agreement.

wiilowmelangell Mon 06-Aug-18 12:08:36

They want the "experience".
Give them a months tryout.
Dad and step mum will find it instructive.
Then in 5 weeks, all sit down and work out a new access agreement.

wiilowmelangell Mon 06-Aug-18 12:08:36

They want the "experience".
Give them a months tryout.
Dad and step mum will find it instructive.
Then in 5 weeks, all sit down and work out a new access agreement.

Sundance2741 Fri 10-Aug-18 15:18:48

I haven't been in a situation like this but no way would I simply let them go! Stand up for yourself and what you think is right for them. Letting them go and having them let down is unacceptable. By all means negotiate to increase contact -that makes sense but not moving in 100%. Their dad must be oblivious if he can't see the pitfalls for them, himself, his family and you. As for the stepmum.... Will she really accept two teenagers coming into her presumably peaceful family home on a full time basis? (I wouldn't! !!!)

thethoughtfox Fri 10-Aug-18 17:35:17

They are teenagers. They have an inbuilt need to try to be more independent from 'home' You can't fight this just let them try it and hope they come back to you. If not, enjoy the time when you do see them and your new found freedom in the evenings.

Domino20 Fri 10-Aug-18 20:21:26

Smile, wave them off and be ready to pick up the pieces. I'd start with a huge massive list of 'must do' for your ex. Daily activities, homework schedule, doc/dentist check ups. Items needed for school blah blah. As above, make sure it happens term time.

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