When does it ever end?

[howmanyyears]

Hi everyone, my first thread although I am a regular reader and just want some advice or words of wisdom.

To keep it brief, I have been with DP for 4 years now and we have a wonderful 2yo DS. I also have a 14yo DD from a pervious relationship and DP has a 14yo DS from a previous relationship. My own DD is a fairly easy typical teenager she doesnt have a good relationship with her Dad so I have 100% parental control of her. My DSS on the other hand is more challenging. He came to live with us at the start of the year after his mother decided she couldnt control him and wanted to focus on her own life. I wont even go into the catalogue of problems but we ended up with a complete mess and my DP is slowly enforcing rules and some discipline back. He also now has 100% parental control as ex has totally washed her hands of it all! DSS is a challenge, not self sufficient, problematic at school and believes he should have to live with us (although he now has nowhere or noone who can manage his challenging behaviour)

We both work full time so have strict house rules although it is becoming so exhausting to enforce even the most simple of things. But we just about keep on top of it. All was ok-ish but DSS behaviour has slipped again and his attitude is terrible. I have to get him to school each day so I get the moodiness and strops in a morning. He is lazy, has no self respect and has an attention disorder (medicated until about a year ago) whereby he creates problems out of boredom. My DP tries really hard to keep on top of it all but he also has a demanding job which means he takes his eye off the ball sometimes.

Both teenagers spend very litle time interacting with their younger sibling which frustrates us hugely! My DD just wants to spend every minute out of the house or on her phone while DSS never goes out and spend 24hours in a smelly bedroom on the Xbox. We have tried numerous ways to bond as a family but these have all failed so we now have come to the point that we arrange little breaks away for us and DS. It seems like the only way forward now as the friction when we are all together is just impossible.

They contribute nothing to the household, no chores, they dont eat the meals we provide for them, they believe they should have access to wifi 24/7 and be awake and disturb us all night!

Sorry for that ramble but my question is.... is this normal that we continue with our life as a family of 3 (I will add both teens point blank refuse to come away with us). We are made to feel by our family that it is not normal and we should force the teenagers to spend time with us. However, it just does not work and life improves dramatically when we just get time to focus on our 2yo.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

[lljkk]

You can't force happy families to happen.
Work on what you can make happen.
Teens are fine, but they start setting some of the rules about how they interact.

[LemonBreeland]

Your family are wrong in telling you to force the teenagers to spend time with you. I have a 14 year old DS and he would have no interest in spending time with a 2 year old.

I do make him have some family time sometimes, but not all of the time. I do however have family meals. Why are they not eating what is provided? That would be non negotiable for me. Dinner times are one of the few times my teenager is not plugged into one device or another.

[Squeegle]

I have a DS with adhd. I have had to adjust my lens quite a lot so that we can have a more peaceful environment. I do not insist on him doing family things. He was very aggressive a year ago, he is slightly better now, calmer and more respectful. I think it’s because I actually choose my battles and try a lot more empathy. Having said that it is still hard and I wonder when my lovely boy will be back from teenagerdom. He is very typically adhd - won’t listen, is lazy, disorganised and knows it all. I find it a challenge, but since doing parenting courses, reading lots and trying not to control him too much I’ve had some success, so would recommend using some of these strategies. The explosive child dr Ross greene is very helpful.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

When ds3 was going through the teenage hell years, I was recommended a book called Divas and Doorslammers, by Charlie Taylor, in which he theorises that teenagers' brains are actually rewiring during adolescence - and this involves structural changes, which remove some of the child's abilities. Things like empathy, sense of proportion, anger management, the ability to understand they are not the centre of the universe.

He describes it as a form of temporary brain damage - but it IS temporary, and as the rewiring finishes, and the changes settle down, these abilities largely return.

Ds3's adolescence was not the easiest - there were times when I referred to being a teenager as a disease that one or both of us might not survive - but he did come out the other side, and is now a kind and decent young man - pleasant to talk to, a good friend, able to control his temper, and good at motivating himself to do his university work and to get a job as well - we are proud of him.

So, in short, All This Will Pass. And in the meantime, there is and .

[BeautifulFern]

Really hear you OP!

I reckon if you've posted you must be feeling pretty desperate. I also reckon you may also have worked out some ideas - writing and posting helps gather our thoughts more objectively I believe - since you started.

This is my current experience.

Things you can change. 24 hour wifi, no chores and not eating dinner - They can all be changed OVERNIGHT! Put controls on their phones (you can easily buy these now), or take them off them early in the evening, and if they don't eat their dinners too bad they can just get themselves some cereal or toast or make something themselves! re. no chores. No chores, no pocket money or privileges (this is not the same as "paying" them to do chores - it just means there are some consequences). They will moan furiously about all this and say you are sooooooooooooooo strict, and no other teenagers have such strict parents blah de blah. Whatever!!!!

Second, what you can't change. I find this harder, even after putting in place many of the above. Squeegie's points about ADHD won’t listen, is lazy, disorganised and knows it all, yep been there. What I'm trying now is focusing more on myself. Having more time apart (going away, having the living room to myself and less engagement) to try and avoid conflict and argument. Its not complete disengagement before the clueless judgy-pants come on here. Just choosing your times more carefully so you don't get sucked into vortexes of conflict. Its really more like self-preservation! Then, hopefully, the times you do engage, its more positive. When the negative stuff comes along or you can see it first-off (you know that face when they come in from school, just use that as a cue to engage less or even remove yourself. Sad I know, but like I said, survival.

This is what I'm going to try now anyway. I have tried many things I CAN change, and so now its a case of trying to adapt positively to the things I CAN'T change. In a few years time, if things don't improve there's always the option of your teenager leaving if thats for the best.

Its hard OP though.

[howmanyyears]

Great advice! Sorry it's 8 months later!