Dd14 struggling negativity, boys, anxiety, self esteem

[Smellylittleorange]

My dd has been suffering with panic attacks and low moods for the last 2 years. She has been referred to local kids counselling service but came off their records as she stopped answering their phonecalls. Ive tried to ask her to go back on the waiting list but her perception is sje is doomed anyhow. Her esteem has got worse and worse ...she says she is rubbish and a dissapointment. Even though we tell her often how proud we are of her...apparently we have to say that as her parents. She complained that we dont say stuff about her hobby /talent on social media and it makes her feel worthless...yet not a week ago i posted on facebook abput how proud of her we were for winning a special prize for her hobby. Next thing she says she is a dissapointment to the rest of the family and none of my side like her...yet ive seen posts on instagram lauding her skills in her hobbies from her favourite Aunt. She has broken up with her boyfriend lately and says that she 'hates' being single its no fun, she needs someone to kiss and be in a relationship with. She goes to a great school but says she cant break into friendship groups in the same breath theey are all irritating and she doesnt want to invite people round. Shr is rubbish at her gcse subjects etc but her results are not the worst ...she complains constantly abput how boring school is and how it is 'shit' but wont say why. If asked to revise or do homework she spends more time moaning about having to do it than doing it. She does have friends just not particularly close to them. She resents people at school for things they said to her in year 7 ...she is now year 9 . All in all she is an extremely negative person and she wont do counselling..i have bought her books , mindfullness magazines...tried to encourage exercise and healthy eating ...tried to push counselling ...encouraged hr to join a group outside of school...but noone understands no one is like her she says she feels shit all the time. I really dont know what to do..am at the end of my tether. Her negativity is affecting the household dh is washing his hands of it and doesnt want to know or deal with it. I am so scared this low self esteem will become a picture for the rest of her life. Im trying to encourage her to be positive, friendly and amenable but it almost feels like she would rather choose to be miserable .........any ideas please just help !

[Smellylittleorange]

Sorry for typos, phone is rubbish and I am so upset can hardly see

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

I'd love to offer advice but in the same boat.She used to work hard for good marks in exams but now says she can't be bothered.She doing mocks and is very stressed as she hasn't revised at all.She knows that the next year is crucial but that is part of the stress.
She already has anxiety and has an appointment with CAMHS but if she won't talk to them I don't know what to do.
If she stays like this she will also fall behind.

[Smellylittleorange]

Its is hard isnt it @onlyoldontheoutside? You need to encourage them with revision and stuff not completely be laissez faire but anything I say or enquire about regarding tests etc i get accused of being a tiger mum. A dose of reality is needed sometimes but who from

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

I just get a shut down child when I try and talk to her.We did some biology revision together on Tuesday and that went ok but today she has 3exams and I got home late from work yesterday and it was too late for me to help.
I think come the GCSEs I'm going to have to set a timetable and try and help her revise but apart from biology ,geography and English I'm not sure how to help as my knowledge is so out of date.(never mind work as well).
I'm not depressed but go to bed each night feeling defeated.
Hope you are bearing up ok.

[Deadpoet]

I honestly could’ve written the exact same thing. I’d love to be able to offer advice but I’m in the same boat with my dd too. Same age as yours. Mine is also self harming so I have a doctors appointment booked for her for next week ( her request). I honestly feel so helpless. I took her to the GP two years ago and she was referred to CAMHS but the lady that came to see her was too gentle. My dd needs someone with a bit more grit.
I hope everything works out for you and your dd

[seventhgonickname]

Deadpoet,my dd has been down the selfharming route too.It feels devestating and,for me I felt a complete failure as a mum.She has stopped apart from a wobble a couple of months ago as she was thinking of suicide but thankfully told a teacher she trusts.She is seen by our GP every 6 weeks just to monitor and we have the CAHMS appointment but dd wont talk about why she doing all this she just says its everything thats too much.
She seems herself again at the moment,after 3 papers yesterday (I was worried she just wouldn't go)I came home to a sweet girl who ran down the stairs to hug me when I got home.She has Art tomorrow and nothing until Wednesday so hoping we have some respite.
I envy people with normal moody teenagers!

[Deadpoet]

Seventhgonickname oh for a moody teenager.

[Blessthekids]

for all of you

Although my dd isn't in the same boat, I can see elements of it especially the negativity, she often sees the world as half empty, refusing to put herself out there if there is even a slight chance of failure, always holding something back from others to I guess protect herself. I try to help as I want her to experience life to the fullest but I think I actually just make things worse. I have no idea whether I should carry on trying to help or just enjoy our relationship and be less bothered about everything else! I don't know. Life is funny, now my other dd who I always worried about is finding her feet and direction and pretty content, this dd is starting to worry me!

I don't have an answer, just keep loving and supporting, try and find time to spend with her alone doing something she enjoys together, just listen and say I see and I am sorry you feel that way when she rants? I wish you luck and if you find something that works, please sure. Perhaps it is just a matter of letting them grow out of it!

[Blessthekids]

• please share not please sure

[Izzidigne]

I have a similar story. I feel they are expected to master so much in such a few short teenage years and it's too much for many of them, relationships, exams, social situations, the list is long. Especially as generally learning anything involves a few failed attempts first time at anything new. That's not good for those with sensitive egos and they feel they just keep failing over and over again.

[Peanutbuttercups21]

Ask her what would make her feel happier?

Not having any real friends at school is a shame, I know it is a good school, but maybe she'd be happier somewhere else?

[Smellylittleorange]

Thanks all... sorry to others going through it. It all came to a head over the weekend ...she confessed to tryong alcohol to block stuff out. She does have friends but is so boy obsessed the relationships suffer. She just wants people to listen to her and gets really sensitive if she is criticised etc. School are arranging in school counselling...they know all about it and a meeting with a substance misuse group to shock her more than anything. Im to get her seen by gp .

[Blessthekids]

@smellylittleorange
Glad to hear she’s accepting help. Good luck to you both.

[Oddsocks15]

OP, wish I could offer advice but in same boat. My DD is 16. Officia prom photos back and not one single photo of my DD. The group of friends she went with appear in a couple of group shots but without DD.
She hasn't spoken about the prom other than a stroppy yes when asked if she had a good time. (Looking at the photos I'm not convinced that she did enjoy it).

Went to my SIL house yesterday for a BBQ, DD was in a thick jumper and jeans and had a face like thunder on her... DH and I were chatting, laughing and joking and she was scowling the whole time (mostly at DH and I).

She doesn't want to talk about her friendship problems with DH and I as "we don't understand" or "embarrassing" or say "hurtful things".

Looking at these prom photos crying as everyone is dancing and smiling and my DD is no where to be seen on the photos.

She is on waiting list for CAMHS, she seems to think they will wave a magic wand for all her problems. She won’t listen to DH or I when we offer suggestions to pull herself out of these black thoughts. No self harming that I’m aware of but I’m looking out for it as I won’t be surprised if she did start to self harm. Feeling a crap mother too and DH mostly washes his hands with it as doesn’t know how to cope with it leaving it to me to deal with.

[Smellylittleorange]

Im sorry to hear that oddsocks it is really difficult ..we all want our children to be happy and carefree. Is she staying for sixth form or going somewhere different. Im hoping college will be the making of Dd

[Smellylittleorange]

Im just writing to update that finally there is some light at the end of the tunnell. Weve been to Doctors and she been diagnosed with depression, referring to CAMHs lots of help in school, meetings with catch22 etc hopefully on a list for cbt soon fingers crossed. She confided in me something that happened with her ex that really messed up her mind no doubt. She loved him , he violated her by going too far, despite when she protested and left..he then dumped her. Lots of conflicting feelings she still wanted him despite what happened.

Looking to next year we have decided to throw everything at giving her stuff to look forward to..signed up for DoE which she is really looking forward too and independently went and secured herself a volunteer role today she has a couple of trips to look forward to with the school so I bought her a travel and adventure journal which she has been filling in ..photos of her friends she sings with..plans etc .

Oh and Doctor also prescribed her something for her period pain which was NOT helping
If it makes sense it feels as if we are finally looking out instead of in .

I just hope fingers crossed she can get cbt ...her self esteem really was rock bottom she did not believe anything we said x

[Sandyriver]

@smellylittleorange, sending you a comforting hug all the way from N.America. i went through the same story with my first DS 4 yrs back when he was in grade 6. My mom who passed away from cancer kickstarted this as she was his fav.grandma. i was not with him because i was the care giver and away taking care of my mom. DH could do only so much. Thats when he started crying in bursts for no reason and would not talk to us at all. Always moody, and i was walking on eggshells with him. He started researching on apple seed poison. That time i went through hell. I took him to couselling and also started giving him some homeopathy medicines to rectify any hormonal problems. So far sailing through. He still has little hopeless feels from time to time. He is an A grade student with high 90 marks. I keep telling him that i used to be happy with 70 when i was young and that he is so much better.
I hope you see the light soon. Do forgrt we are all sailing along with you.