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What to do with a lazy 18 year old?

(10 Posts)
Bertie35 Tue 12-Jun-18 20:57:47

My daughter is 18 and has just finished college and has no motivation or inclination to do anything. She finished about 6 weeks ago and does nothing apart from going out with her friends. She has spent any savings she had on going out all the time. I have tried to suggest things like traveling, summer camps, volunteering etc but shes not interested. She has a part time job in the evenings but hasnt made any attempt to look for anything more. She sleeps until lunchtime then gets up but usually only because ive come home from work and got her up. she does nothing around the house apart from walk the dog and can't even keep her room decent even though I've just brought her new furniture so she has no excuse of not having any storage. She has dirty plates, cups up there and it stinks. I'm sick of her treating me and our home like this and find her so frustrating. Because of her age I find it hard to give her consequences as feel like I can't take away her phone, make her stay in, get a job etc as she's now technically an adult. All I seem to be doing is nagging and she just switches off and it's having a negative impact on our relationship. Any ideas please?

Crunched Tue 12-Jun-18 22:30:59

DD2 finished her last A-level today. We have just got back from celebrating with a curry.
She has a Saturday job and hopes to get some extra days there during the hols, a week away with us and a week away with her mates/bf. Driving lessons may also figure if she gets her act together.There are a couple of leaver events at school but other than that, I see weeks of gorgeous nothingness ahead of her! This summer may be the only time in her life with nothing she should be doing. I suspect many noon wake-ups and mindless Netflix will be enjoyed.

Despite my urge to be controlling, I am going to try to be chilled about it I hope before tensions begin again as results day looms ...

Crunched Tue 12-Jun-18 22:34:52

Oh hang on! Is she not planning on going back to education?
I think I have made a wrong assumption.
You are certainly right that endless drifting is not great.

AgathaRaisonDetra Tue 12-Jun-18 22:40:19

Move house and don't tell her where you've gone.

Caselgarcia Tue 12-Jun-18 22:43:24

So she's an adult now, you aren't getting child benefit and no longer have to support her financially. Set a date for her to start paying rent. If you allow her to stay in bed and not contribute to the running of the house, she will. She is an adult now and that brings responsibility.

LovingLola Tue 12-Jun-18 22:45:11

I'm sick of her treating me and our home like this

So how long has she been doing this? Did she ever do jobs around the house? Keep her room tidy? Bring her dirty clothes to the washing machine?

Leeds2 Wed 13-Jun-18 00:11:13

Are you giving her any money at all? Or paying for her phone contract? If so, stop!
Is she working every evening? If so, for how long? If she is doing five 5 hour shifts per week, so 25 hours in total, it isn't a full time job but is a good effort. If she is doing a couple of hours once a week, I would be a little less tolerant. On the other hand, if she is only doing a couple of hours a week, her money will soon run out as long as you aren't giving her any money as well as her earnings.

rakslk Wed 13-Jun-18 00:55:43

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. My granddaughter was not getting along with her mother so we offered for her to live with us to get through her senior year of high school. She was always so nice but started to act too good for us. Complained about our food, would not help with the dishes, etc she'd dirty so once she graduated we made her go back to her mom. She says she hates us now. I fear it could be depression. What you explain too sounds like there could be some depression. My daughter is going to get my granddaughter to get professional help whether she wants it or not. You may want to look into this option too if you haven't already. If not for your daughter but for yourself in order to cope.

Sophiesdog11 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:08:22

It’s a difficult stage, does she have plans to carry on in education?

How many hours does she work a week?

My DD is just 18 and in the last weeks of a BTEC course. She has had enough of studying, not sure she would suit uni at this age anyway, so is going to have a gap year whilst she decides her next step.

We have made it clear she doesn’t just sit around – and she has recently got a retail post (having had a similar one before xmas) – only a few hours a week but there seems to be plenty of scope for extra hours and she is also now driving with a small car.

She is planning to volunteer and/or travel next year, I am trying not to nag her to look at opportunities – as all I get is “trust me, I will sort something, just give me time”, but I am sure that once she is 6 weeks out of college I will want to see evidence of some research, as I know some applications will need to be done in the autumn.

She does volunteer as a young Guide leader and has already done a couple of trips abroad as a Guide. Could your DD do some daytime volunteering if she works in the evening?

It is a very hard age/stage – my DD is desperate to be fiercely independent, but is not quite mature enough!! She wants to organise everything herself, so I know my nagging is counter-productive and I am trying to back off. A friend with an older nephew who didn’t go to uni has given me a little insight, saying that the more her sister and BIL tried to help him, the worse it was, as he wanted to find his own way. My DD is the same.

I will be expecting her to help in the house more when she has finished college and is not at work, plus do plenty of dog walks. We have said we won’t charge her any ‘board’ during gap year, although I also expect her not to waste her wages too.

Would your DD allow you to organise a regular savings account, maybe towards something? If she can get interested in saving for going volunteering or travelling, it may kick start her into working more. My DD seems to be motivated to earn money to give her options next year.

In terms of sanctions, I think you have to say that if she can’t treat your home with respect, she has to move out. She is an adult – I know that technically they will struggle to get anywhere – but maybe just having the chat that it’s your home, your rules and you expect respect etc, will make her appreciate what you provide at home.

Pascall Wed 13-Jun-18 16:11:50

Stop doing things for her (washing, cleaning, tidying etc)
Start charging her rent.

leave it up to her to figure out how to manage those two things.

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