Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DS 16 is having sex with GF 15

20 replies

HowDoIGetOffTheBus · 25/02/2018 13:04

By chance caught DS buying condoms yesterday. He is 16 17 in August. GF is 15, not 16 until August.

I spoke to DS about legal position, risks etc. He said GF is worried I'll tell her parents. I don't really know what I should do. Should I tell the parents? Is it my place to do that, or should I speak to GF and tell her she needs to discuss with her parents?

WWYD?

OP posts:

Report

LIZS · 25/02/2018 13:06

If gf is worried about parents finding out perhaps she needs to rethink having underage sex. Yes your ds may be trying to be responsible but he is breaking the law and her parents may react badly and report him.

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 25/02/2018 13:09

Please don't tell her dps. If things escalate at worst your ds could end up on a sex offenders register. At best they will ban him from seeing her. Either way you are the bad guy. My ds is 16 and has had under age gf's. I have told him she won't be staying here /be alone until 16. And he needs to use protection if they do have sex. Speaking to her would be soooo cringy but you could have a quick mention it's actually illegal til August and your ds could get into big bother.

Mummyontherun86 · 25/02/2018 13:12

I would be really really worried about this. I know someone whose son spent years dealing with police/court/trial after sleeping with an underage girlfriend.
Legally, she can’t consent.
Please try to persuade him to wait until August. I know it’s fairly commonplace but the consequences if someone complains can be severe.

RLOU88 · 25/02/2018 13:13

This happened to a friend of mines brother. Same age difference. The girls mum found out and next thing he had an early morning raid, police took his laptop phones and arrested him. He is awaiting trail for sex with a minor and it’s ruind him. Maybe show your DS this message because it would be worth waiting until August.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 25/02/2018 13:14

I would tell him to find a Brook Advisory Clinic (or similar, for teenagers) and ask them to talk it through there and get better contraception, too.

I wouldn't tell her parents.

He needs to be absolutely sure he knows what would happen if her mum and dad found out, though. I made my son talk through exactly what would happen with one girlfriend and that stopped him in his tracks.

RLOU88 · 25/02/2018 13:21

I meant to add to my post do not tell her parents. You might not know how they will take it and then my PP could become relevant.

HowDoIGetOffTheBus · 25/02/2018 15:09

Thanks all, lots of food for thought. I'm not doing anything yet. We have known the parents for years, which sort of makes it worse.

OP posts:

specialsubject · 25/02/2018 16:51

Tell him that it is against the law and very risky. They need to restrain themselves until august.. Then it is condoms and the pill.

traviata · 25/02/2018 17:00

Agree the priority is to get the message across about waiting until August.

But at some point I hope you've had a conversation about consent, lack of pressure, and how porn isn't real-life.

Mabelface · 25/02/2018 17:03

Nothing you say will stop them, so you'll just have to reinforce the safe sex angle. I very much doubt he'd be prosecuted when she's nearly 16 and he's only a year older. You can tell him that you don't approve, but as I said, they'll carry on regardless.

traviata · 25/02/2018 17:04

Sorry, my message sounds very bossy and critical - didn't mean it to come across like that. I recently had a chat with DS 14 and got the impression he hasn't really investigated porn yet, but I think it's inevitable that he will.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/02/2018 17:07

It’s always best to err on the side of caution, but I was reliably informed when ds was having sex with his 15 yo gf that the police wouldn’t be interested in a relationship with such a close age gap, where consent was obvious.

RLOU88 · 25/02/2018 17:07

@ Madlizzy I wouldn’t be so sure. I know a 17 yo (who was 16 at the time) who has had his life shattered by the police finding messages about sexual contact with his then 15 yo girlfriend. His lawyer has told him to expect a sentence and to sign the sex offenders register!

lljkk · 25/02/2018 17:12

I don't envy you, OP.

This link is good.

Abouttoblow · 25/02/2018 17:12

I work with young people and have experienced situations like this when they escalate - most times because the GF parents find out and get the police involved.
Please ask your son (and his GF) to wait till she's 16.
The consequences can really affect his future.

Abouttoblow · 25/02/2018 17:14

Also, in my experience it didn't matter that the girl was nearly 16 only that she wasn't 16.

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/02/2018 17:16

My Dd and her bf were having sex at that age, I knew and was ok with it, they were both responsible with contraception.
They are still together after a year.

Ohyesiam · 25/02/2018 17:20

I'm 51 and when i was under 16 many many girls had sex with their boyfriend s , most of whom were older. It was what the ones who were in love did. Very little casual sex, but lots of loved up teens. We all knew we were underage.
When did things change? I'm not saying I disapprove of the change, but it's a big cultural shift in 35 years.
I don't think anything you say will stop them, ( remember those hormone s). But I would be talking to your son about consent, and pressure and respect, and all the things that porn has stopped kids from exploring naturally.

HowDoIGetOffTheBus · 25/02/2018 17:27

Not bossy at all traviata

We have an older DS too and have had conversations with both of them before about consent, pressure, treatment of women, portrayal if women etc with them.

But I think what some of you say is right - if they want to do it they'll do it anyway. So I think we can only try our best at safeguarding DS, try to make sure they're not alone when here, reiterate legal implications and grit teeth until August. Oh joy.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/02/2018 17:41

It’s highly unusual for the police to take any action when there’s not much of an age gap, however, if they do, the consequences are life changing for the (marginally) older teen.

TRY to get them both, but him especially, to see this. Get them both to delete ANY sexually charged messages on all devices and not to send any more.

TRY to get them both to understand that holding off from PIV sex until August really is the safest option. IF she cares about him she will understand and if he has one ounce of sense he will wait. If necessary explain there are other ways to have fun without ANY chance of pregnancy. Without pregnancy or a digital trail it’s pretty hard to prove they’re breaking the law.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.