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16 year old daughter pregnant

(44 Posts)
namechange2018 Fri 12-Jan-18 18:37:46

As the title says, my daughter is 16 and has just told me she is pregnant.

She was on the pill, but has obviously missed it or something. She didn't have a period in December, despite asking me for tampons and did a positive test on Boxing Day. So I've no idea how far along she is.

She did another test after she told me which put her at 3weeks plus.

She is quite sure she wants to have a termination. I have told her that I will support her whatever she wants to do and I mean it. We have a scan booked for Monday through BPAS so we'll take it from there.

I need this space to vent. I'm being very supportive and will be with her through whatever she decides to do. However if I'm honest, she won't be able to cope with a baby. She's had a very, very tough year and has had some mental health problems. We were just getting her back in college and much happier when this happened.

She's been with the boy for 6 months. He's bad news but she knew best, as they do. Unfortunately he's shown his true colours here, and promptly dumped her and told her she had a week to 'get rid of it.
She is so hurt and scared. I'd have sympathy for him as a young man if he hadn't been so cruel.

Basically and from a selfish POV, I'm shitting myself, for her and for me! I'm so glad she told me and I'm hurt for her as I can't solve this for her.

I'm sorry, this was very long. If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it!

MrsMozart Fri 12-Jan-18 18:40:09

No wise or useful words, sorry, but you being there for her and listening to her and what she wants will be everything to her.

pontiouspilates Fri 12-Jan-18 18:40:27

No advice but couldn't read and run. I have a 16yr old so can totally empathise with what you must be gong throughthanks

sarahjconnor Fri 12-Jan-18 18:43:11

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this together. flowers

Keep doing what you are doing, love her, support her and be there for her. Hopefully she'll dump the loser for good now.

GrooovyLass Fri 12-Jan-18 18:43:12

No idea what advice to give you but I'm so glad your DD has been able to tell you about this and that she has your support.

Good luck with whatever she decides, but make sure it's her decision and not his.

misscheery Fri 12-Jan-18 18:45:55

I'd make sure his parents know about the "one week to get rid of IT". It?! What kind of bloody education did he get ffs?

I want to say I am so happy to hear you are so supportive! Best of luck whatever you both decide! Sending my love

Polopolopolo Fri 12-Jan-18 18:49:03

Unfortunately he's shown his true colours here, and promptly dumped her and told her she had a week to 'get rid of it.

Or what? I mean I know you said your dd is not going ahead with the pregnancy, but wtf?

Karigan1 Fri 12-Jan-18 18:49:52

I think it’s lovely that she opened up to you so soon. It says a lot for your relationship. All you can do is give suppprt. If I understand it correctly it’s two pills at such early stages. I was told by a friend once it’s like a bad period. Have hot water bottles chocolate and a shoulder to cry on ready and keep up being such a good mum. If she chooses to keep it then I hope you can carry on with the support. ((((Virtual hug)))))

blackberryfairy Fri 12-Jan-18 18:54:01

I had a termination at 16. My mum was really supportive. I also had mh problems and my boyfriend was a total dick. It sounds like you're being a great support to her.

Faintlinesquints Fri 12-Jan-18 18:57:20

I can empathise for both sides here. I fell pregnant at 16. I was in a similar position to your dd, I had some mental health issues and was at college, completely lost.
I did decide to keep the baby, and it was a tough decision if I'm honest, but the best one I could have made. Completely changed me for the better, and my Dd will be 16 this year!
Which is why although I can sympathise what emotions your daughter is going through, I can also completely understand your emotions too, as I honestly have no idea how I would manage if dd came home pregnant, and I know how the reactions of my parents were an influence too. It must be a very worrying time for you both.

I think the number one thing to do is something you've already mentioned, and that is supporting your dd in whatever she decides to do. The good support of a parent can mean the world of difference in this situation. You sound like a fantastic mum, it's very good she's told you and you are there to help her.

It will be a difficult time ahead for you both no matter which outcome is chosen, so continue to be there for your dd and you can vent and scream at us on here in the meantime.

It's perhaps a good idea your dd gets some councilling so she can discuss this with somebody, and come to the right decision for her. You mention she wouldn't cope well keeping the baby but she may also need ongoing support following a termination, especially as you say she's had some mental health problems.

Wishing luck to you both flowers

AthenaAshton Fri 12-Jan-18 18:58:03

Sounds as if you are being a fantastic mum to her. Also reminds me to try to do whatever I can to ensure that my DSs (one of whom is 16) don't behave in such a revolting way at your DD's (ex) boyfriend.


CharizMa Fri 12-Jan-18 19:02:01

What a shock. Awful to see his true colours at such a vulnerable moment. She should have the termination for herself!

CharizMa Fri 12-Jan-18 19:02:31

PS, after the termination I'd be tempted to tell his parents what a prince he is.

DancesWithOtters Fri 12-Jan-18 19:17:55

Bless you thanks

You sound very kind. Please be as supportive as possible.

I had a termination at 17. I didn't tell my mum and never have, for many reasons. I can never tell her.

But I'm glad I did it, it's one of the few sensible decisions I ever made. It was a bit traumatic being alone for it all, but it was not as physically difficult or painful as I'd expected- surgical under GA.

If she's decided to have a termination then hug her and support her.

wheresthel1ght Fri 12-Jan-18 19:27:45

My only advice is keep doing what you are doing.

You are clearly a great mum as she felt able to tell you and you have said all the right things.

Good luck and hugs to you both

Mrsknackered Fri 12-Jan-18 19:31:50

Hi OP,
I can give you a view from the other point of view (if she were to keep) I found out I was pregnant at 16 just after sitting my GCSE's. I thought I was probably only around 6 weeks, and went to the GP. As I wasn't a 100% sure I went for a dating scan. I was actually 18 weeks + 5 days. Sadly, I was told it was also a boy (I didn't ask) and given the scan photos. Up until that point I was 100% sure I was going to abort. I think it is fantastic that your dd has told you straight away, as I then waited a further four days before telling my mum.
I did have DS, and he is wonderful. His biological dad is an awful man who said exactly the same to me as your Dd's boyfriend did. Thankfully, he is permanently out of the picture and DS has a very loving father and now a baby brother.
My parents were heartbroken that I wouldn't abort, my dad even offered me money and I was threatened violently by biological father.
However, my mum and I repaired our relationship and she was there for his birth. It was a very rough first two years, I had to move out and had absolutely no idea how to manage money etc, my sixth form also asked me to leave at 38 weeks due to health and safety reasons. I am now 22, did an access course and now at university and we are thriving as a family, but I don't forget the very dark days in the beginning.
My friend found out she was 8 weeks a year after I had DS, and she aborted and is now also thriving.
Either way, you're being a fantastic support to your DD and if she does decide to keep the baby, she will be fine in the end. She doesn't need the father and please advise her not to put him on the BC if it came to that point, I made this mistake and it caused a lot of legal issues to begin with. She clearly has enough support around her to raise a well round child (if that is what she chose to do)
I sometimes think about how much easier it would have been to abort (financially, mentally, physically) but obviously it wasn't the right decision for me.
BPAS are brilliant and will assess her reasons for abortion. My reasons were 'my mum wasn't happy, and I didn't have any money' I had no idea about benefits so the counsellor helped me out with the logistics of this stuff.
Big hugs for both of you, and she will be just fine whatever she chooses.
I was very lucky however that my best friends stuck by me, and are very involved with both of my children's lives. I hope that she has friends that can support her too. If either you or her would like to PM me, please do thanks

Figrollsnotfatrolls Fri 12-Jan-18 19:33:15

I always told my dd getting pregnant wasn't the end of the world but being involved with an awful bf +family that were unsupportive would be a nightmare for 18 years +
I would inform his dps, support your dd in her choices, whatever they may be.
And if he becomes troublesome also inform the school.

namechange2018 Fri 12-Jan-18 19:35:43

Thanks for your replies, it's really supportive.

I have said whatever she decides to do, should be her decision as she has to deal with it. I think (hope) she has finally seen the light as she has blocked him and says she doesn't want to be with him whatever.

She is saying she doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy, for her own reasons. She feels she's too young, wants to finish college, go travelling etc. She'd just got things in a good place.

I don't like him anyway for many reasons such as controlling and manipulating behaviour. This is the icing on the cake. The messages he'd sent were vile. He finished the relationship then dangled it like a carrot if she has a termination. Thank god she could tell me.

She looked so young, scared and ashamed when she told me, as she said she was afraid she'd let me down. I was (am) shocked but I honestly felt for her so much and wanted to help. I wasn't angry at all.

My dp (stepdad) knows too. We're both going to be there for her whatever happens. I just want her to be happy.

I know this is a ramble but I don't feel like I can tell anyone else.

ClashCityRocker Fri 12-Jan-18 19:43:26

Op, it sounds like you are doing an absolutely fantastic job in a difficult situation.

She isn't the first and won't be the last, but at least she has her mum supporting her regardless of the choice she makes.

ragged Fri 12-Jan-18 19:48:21

You sound like a great Parent, nch18. x

Wow, I would not engage with him or inform his parents etc. This situation is delicate enough, already. maybe if they got back together & he hadn't improved I'd break down & grass him up. Besides, it's her information to share, her decision who to share that with.

ParkheadParadise Fri 12-Jan-18 19:49:44

I had my first at 15
My parent's were supportive, but devastated. I was too far gone to think about an termination.
It's good your dd has you supporting her
Good luck

Rainbowqueeen Fri 12-Jan-18 19:53:35

You sound like you are doing an amazing job of supporting her.

I would tell her that you are happy to arrange counselling for her now or at any time if she feels that would help her.

I would also emphasise that she is doing this because it is the right thing for herself and congratulate her on thinking it through and coming to a decision that is right for her. It could boost her self esteem and confidence to know that you feel that way about her decision.

blackberryfairy Fri 12-Jan-18 19:54:56

My bf showed his true colours by not coming to the abortion clinic to support me bécause he'd just had a wisdom tooth out hmm

It showed me what a selfish pig he actually was. Whereas my mum was a rock for me.

I never regretted the abortion (I was about ten weeks and it was surgical).

Many years later, after a lot more life experience, I ended up having two lovely children and my mum is still a rock.

namechange2018 Fri 12-Jan-18 19:55:32

I haven't contacted his parents. His mum knows and has told my daughter she will support her. However she also told my daughter not to tell me yet and that her son is just a boy it's not his fault and other crap. When my DD has decided what she wants to do, I will be getting in touch with them and let them know.

I only found out myself this week, she found out on Boxing Day. I don't know how far along she is, as she hasn't had a period since end of November. So we won't know until Monday how many weeks she is.

She did a test the week before xmas (as she was late) which was negative but then the positive one on Boxing Day. So I'm not too sure.

DancesWithOtters Fri 12-Jan-18 21:35:00

You're amazing OP. Best thing you can do is sit next to her, hold her hand, and do what she needs. That's what I would have wanted.

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