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Do you completely trust your 14/15 yr old? Different parenting styles.

(24 Posts)
TremendousWorkGodfrey Thu 11-Jan-18 19:39:53

Dd’s friend’s mum says her dd (who is just 15yrs) is sensible (she is a lovely girl) and she completely trusts her to always do the right thing.

My dd (14yrs - will be 15yrs in the summer) is also a lovely girl and mostly sensible but also naive. She definitely knows the difference between wrong and right but at the moment I don’t entirely trust her to make sensible/safe decisions. Not because she’s trying to be ‘naughty’ (for lack of a better word) but she isn’t streetwise and is keen to impress.

Obviously this makes for some difficult situations where dd’s friend’s mum is happy with things I’m not (for example large group of mixed sex teenagers sleeping over) - since when were mixed sex sleepovers a thing?!

Am I being unfair not trusting my dd completely or is she being naive to think 14/15yr olds always make the right decision?

How do you handle this difference of parenting styles without being the boring/bad guy all the time?

SavageBeauty73 Thu 11-Jan-18 19:42:49

I trust my 15 year old DD as she's very sensible. My nearly 13 year old twins I don't trust at all. They would burn the house down given half the chance and film it for YouTube 😂

I think it depends on the child.

BrandNewHouse Thu 11-Jan-18 19:42:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crunched Thu 11-Jan-18 20:01:10

I would avoid using the words "lack of trust" in relation to your DD. She may hear this very negatively.
I think it is more a matter of using your knowledge regarding situations, and using this information to benefit her.
I parent My DD2 (18 last month, in sixth form) in what I think is an appropriate way and am not always right. Go with what you feel.Explain you are trying to make the correct rules to benefit her because you love her - and you understand she may not like your decisions. Also explain that other parents have different boundaries due to personal experience.

I still make wrong/naive decisions, and I'm ancient.

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 11-Jan-18 20:01:54

I hate this mixed sleepover fad too. We collect at midnight although I guess anything that could happen between 12 and 9am could happen before 12! I just feel better

Bluelonerose Thu 11-Jan-18 20:09:01

Hmm see my ds1 (14) on his own is very grown up. Put his mates in there and they can get a bit silly as teen boys do.

Dd (13) thinks she's grown up but her attitude says otherwise hmm

Tbh all I've ever said to my children is be open and honest with me and we will deal with things together.
It's always worked fantastic with mine.

I like to let them make their own choices and by them always being open and honest with me they knew if I said no I would explain my reasoning to try to see my pov.

As a child that was such a massive deal breaker for me. No explanation why I couldn't do something just straight out no do as your told.

TremendousWorkGodfrey Thu 11-Jan-18 20:11:11

It’s usually dd using the trust word. ie ‘don’t you trust me?’ - it’s hard to answer when I don’t fully!

midnightmooch Thu 11-Jan-18 20:12:54

Depends really on what they want to do, in that situation I would trust my dd completely, she doesn't try to act cool in front of her friends and she's not that into boys. In other situations I might think she isn't ready but we talk through concerns. We try to say yes to as much as possible.

lljkk Thu 11-Jan-18 20:15:00

HELL NO do not trust. Yet I also give them more freedom than other parents, so heaven knows how little other parents trust.

You could tell your own DD "I don't care about their rules b/c I'm not to blame if something bad happens to that other girl. Whereas I am responsible for YOU."

thisagain Thu 11-Jan-18 20:24:02

I totally totally trust my 15 year old (as I did at 14) but I think most of the reason I do so is because there is no way she would go to a large group sleep over at all, yet alone a mixed one. She is currently being invited to a few 16 year old parties and making excuses not to go as she has been hearing horror stories about kids getting drunk, silly and often sick. Her idea of a good time is her small group of close friends getting together and playing board games or a sleep over that involves a film, marshmallows and hot chocolate. That is why I trust her, because I know her attitude to such things. If she was showing interest in big group sleepovers, parties etc, then I think I would be more sceptical.

corythatwas Fri 12-Jan-18 10:18:28

I don't see how anyone can make a blanket statement about 15yos any more than about all 43yos or all 71yos. Hopefully you know your own teen and what would be difficult for them.

When dd was 15, I think I had a fair idea of what kind of situation she could handle and what situation she couldn't. Fortunately, we were on good terms and discussed arrangements accordingly. More difficult with ds, who likes to keep things close to his chest.

A lot of the time I think it helps to acknowledge that on the night it might not just be about decisions taken by her, unpleasant things can happen that you have very little control over. Sexual assault is a real possibility when drink and teen hormones come into the mix.

That old-fashioned phrase "it's not you I don't trust" can be very helpful. Plus setting up a system whereby she can get rescued, without being made to feel bad, from any situation that she feels is too much for her to handle.

Bumsnetnetbums Fri 12-Jan-18 10:24:05

My eldest. Absolutely. My second. Not quite but because shes immature not naughty

TremendousWorkGodfrey Fri 12-Jan-18 13:48:57

Cory - yes, we have already set up an escape strategy which avoids her losing face. I have used the ‘it’s not you I don’t trust’ phrase but it falls on deaf ears a bit!
Really I do trust her, she is sensible and has a strong sense of identity she wouldn’t do something because she wasn’t sure it was right or wrong but might do it because she doesn’t like to upset people.
It is a minefield, that’s for sure!

athingthateveryoneneeds Fri 12-Jan-18 13:57:19

Nobody is 100% trustworthy. Having said that, I would trust my 14 to DD to withstand peer pressure most of the time, to help others in need if she could, and to be kind (more or less) to her siblings. She has her secrets and she can be temperamental, but she's a decent person and I enjoy her company.

scrabbler3 Fri 12-Jan-18 21:44:07

I was sensible at 14/15 and made sound decisions about things on the whole. My close friends were the same. We had quite a bit of freedom and autonomy so we didn't bother to rebel.

However, a couple of my classmates were wild. One friend "got engaged", and he and she made (futile) plans to get a flat together by pretending to be 16. They're both teachers now! Another girl had terribly strict parents and used to lie about where she was, often going out with men of 19/20 who believed her to be 16. Her parents thought she was at the cinema or the tennis club, and staying over with a sensible girl friend afterwards! One of the men was dismayed when he bumped into her in town one lunch time - she was wearing her school uniform but she'd told him she was a travel and tourism student at the local tech. That was the last she saw of him.

BertieBotts Fri 12-Jan-18 21:54:43

I would explain it more like - it's not that you don't trust her intentions, but she is 14, not an adult and so her judgement isn't fully developed and she doesn't have the life experience of somebody who is a bit older. That's the crux of it, it's not about you not trusting her, but she's not an adult yet and so you'd be crazy to expect her to have adult judgement and experience. Sometimes as the adult who HAS the experience (of being 14, 15, 21, 30+) you've got to step in and lay down boundaries - and the older she gets, the more she'll be able to judge these boundaries for herself.

Zimbo17 Sat 13-Jan-18 05:11:31

I trust mine but shouldn’t as he lies to me often. Apparently this is normal? He’s 13.

midnightmooch Sat 13-Jan-18 07:50:31

Yes Zimbo lying is normal amongst teenagers. Mine lie too, but I still trust them - they aren't very good at lying and I know them - I know when they are lying....but generally I try to say yes as much as possible, they respect and understand my no's when they do get issued.

JustDanceAddict Sat 13-Jan-18 08:08:00

I had mixed sex sleepovers from 15 and I was good, but it depends on the group.

moomoogalicious Sat 13-Jan-18 08:14:20

A few months ago i would have said yes but then we had issues with social media. this is dispite me thinking my dc was sensible and us drumming into them about misuse of social media. We give our dc a lot of freedom but no way would they be going to a mixed sex sleepover. They are under age for starters.

BeyondThePage Sat 13-Jan-18 08:25:15

Trouble is they get to a certain age - mine was 16/17 - where things change.

It is then no longer "Can I go to ..." but "I am going to ..." - I was not really prepared for that... I know they grow up and we prepare them to be independent and leave home, but when it starts happening it is scary.

No I do not trust mine - she lies, she drinks, she smokes weed, she spends the night with her boyfriend whilst telling me she is with other friends. But she is 17, she has a job, she is a straight A student, she does not need lifts, she does her share of chores etc.

Love her to bits, but trust her - nooooo.

Candlelights Sat 13-Jan-18 08:38:05

I think it's possible to phrase rules about things like mixed sex sleepovers without it being about trust of your DD personally. My DD (14) was at one recently where she had said there'd be a big group of them all together (with the implication that not much could happen between girls and boys in that context) but in fact she later admitted there were just 4 of them, and one 'couple' decided to sleep somewhere else leaving DD alone with just one boy all night. DD assured me that this was fine and they were just mates so watched TV all night. In this instance I believed her - but it's more about not letting her find herself in situations she's not comfortable with or can't cope well with. Situations that I - as an adult - could see were a risk, but that she wouldn't have forseen.

It's not easy though to ban your teen from something that their friends are doing. And in some ways I'd rather agree to something I'm not very comfortable with (eg a mixed sex sleepover) than risk my DD starting to lie to me about where she is in order to go places I've not allowed. You're in a very bad place to support them if things do go wrong if they've lied to you about where they are.

midnightmooch Sat 13-Jan-18 08:41:33

Beyond I encourage my dd to just tell me she is doing something I have previously been happy with, I'll let her know if it clashes with other plans. Independence is something I encourage.

TremendousWorkGodfrey Sun 14-Jan-18 05:47:28

Bertiebotts I think that’s it exactly - I will try and explain it to dd again when it comes up.

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