DD has a history of making poor decisions online.
I allowed her to have a very closely monitored Deviant Art account when she was 13 (as art is something she's good at.. my reasoning was she could benefit from a gentle entry into social media while bolstering her confidence by showing off her artwork at the same time). Within days she was getting into arguments and interacting with strangers - one of whom I'm sure was trying to groom her. So the account was shut down.
A few months later, she was desperate to have an Instagram account, like all her friends, so we set one up, with the conditions that she didn't a) talk to strangers, b) lie, c) swear. Within weeks she was doing all of these things. I agreed she could keep it if I had the log in details. I kept her account permanently logged in on my phone, with her knowledge, so I could see exactly what was going on. Her behaviour would improve temporarily, but start to deteriorate again.
During the Easter school holidays, she and a friend went shopping to our nearest large town. They were both behaving quite shiftily when they got home, and a check of Instagram showed me that my DD has developed a crush on a boy from another nearby town, who boasts about being regularly arrested and smoking skunk. They'd set up a Snapchat account on one of the other girls devices, and DD had sent him explicit photographs of herself. This boy is, at this point, a complete stranger. No one had any idea who he is. They'd planned to meet him that day, but luckily he didn't turn up.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. DD was at her Dad's for the weekend. I received a call from DD's friends mum, saying she was worried about her safety, as she's told the friend she was off to meet this internet "friend" again. I contacted DD and her Dad, and yes, she'd told a pack of lies and was off to meet him again. When we intercepted her and told her she had to return to her Dad's immediately, she was on the train. She took two hours to get home again, and concocted a cock and bull story about missing her stop / engineering works etc. She claimed she was quite shaken by the whole experience, would never put herself at risk like that again, and that she hadn't actually met up with the boy, but I now know she most definitely had.
Since this happened, Instagram has been suspended, and she's had only limited access to her phone, and supervised internet access at home.
On the recent bank holiday Monday, she was again behaving a bit suspiciously, and cancelled out plans to go shopping together, to meet her female friend. I said they were not allowed to go into the large town 10 miles away, but that they could hang out here or at the girl's house, so they did the latter. To cut a long story short, I worked out that she wasn't with her girl friend, and was indeed with her internet buddy again. I reported her to the police, as she was uncontactable, and they found her 6 hours later, in another town, smoking in a park with a bunch of kids who are well known to the police for fighting / drink and drugs. The only piece of good news is that this boy is the same age as her, and is broadly who he says he is, rather than an older predator.
The police brought her home and had stern words (they were brilliant, actually), and since then, DD has been told that to get any freedoms back, she needs to earn our trust by demonstrating a more mature, truthful, and responsible attitude. She needs to put in some effort at school (year 10), and communicate with me, her dad, and her respective SD & SM.
In the meantime, I've found her smoking out of her bedroom window several times. So she's in trouble about that too.
So, she went off to her Dad's again this weekend, and was trusted with her phone for safety on the journey, and lots of communication all round about which trains she was getting, and when she would arrive. A perfect opportunity for her to earn a little trust back from us, but (predictably, I suppose), she went AWOL again, to meet this boy. Her phone had run out of battery, and she borrowed a phone from another passenger on the train to call the police, asking them to let me know her train had been delayed and she was OK! In her mind, this is her demonstrating a responsible attitude, completely ignoring the fact that she'd arranged to meet him in the first place (using Snapchat on her Dad's phone apparently... yes, words have been had with him too) and was still lying to us all.
So now, she's in a situation where she has no phone, no internet access, and can no longer travel too and from her Dad's independently. I've threatened to walk her to and from school too, but am holding off on that as I desperately want her to have at some opportunities to be with her friends and not completely take away every shred of independence.
I found a "to do" note in her blazer this morning, saying "1. re-activate Snapchat, 2. ask someone if I can use it, 3. get a phone, and 4. Find number for suicide prevention helpline". Obviously, this is the most worrying thing of all.
She has had some intervention from CAMHS in the past, but has nothing but contempt for them and refuses to talk to the GP about how she's feeling. She said she will talk to the school counsellor, but I'm not convinced she will, nor am I convinced of the counsellor's effectiveness anyway.
I think I might take her to the GP after school anyway, as if she's having suicidal thoughts, that's a medical / MH emergency - right?
But... what now? I can't keep her wrapped up in cotton wool, but I can't allow her to hang out with this drug taking fighter either. She is very vulnerable... she has dyspraxia, is very easily led, and is like a much younger child in so many ways. She doesn't seem able to think about the consequences of her actions, and says she doesn't care about her future. He best friend has told me she wants to have sex with this boy, and I know from her texts / social media in the past that she's very interested in trying skunk.
Just really hoping someone has some experience of turning a situation like this around 
I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading it.
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Teenagers
DD 14, going missing, contacting strangers online... what on earth do we do next?
AntideluvianCat · 12/06/2017 15:00
God what a worry you must be tearing your hair out 
first yes take her to the Gp if she will go you have concerns about her mental health secondly these friends be open to them say she meets a boy online chat about himask about him say he sounds nice blah blah the attraction of sneaking off might wear thin. Contact school they will beused to working with teens and risky behaviours even if you don't think the school councillor is up to much least it is somebody who she is prepared to talk to. I have a dd withdyspraxia she is nearly 20 and is still immature in some ways it is hard, however your Dd sounds like a lot of teenagers they just don't engage their brains try and relax a bit you don't need to be cool mum and let her do what she likes but if you fake interest in her online friends then she might confide in you a bit more and not push the boundry as much.
So, if your 14 year old found herself in these situations you wouldn't be bothered then Roarity? 
The OP is justifiably worried, and every time she trues to trust her daughter it doesn't work. She is trying her hardest to be a responsible parent
for you OP. I wish I could offer some constructive advice.
Wow, thanks everyone - some really helpful and supportive advice on here 
She received a letter from the school counsellor today, and has been invited to an appointment to see her on Wednesday. So I assume the police contacted the school as a matter of course following yesterday's incident (if they hadn't done already). I will email the counsellor and head of year (really nice guy who DD likes and has helped us in the past).
I know the police were going to refer to Social Services following the first incident, but I haven't heard from them as I assume she's just not considered high risk enough for intervention (I worked for Adult Social Care for 20 years and I know our Children's services only picked up the most risky cases). However, I will call them for advice tomorrow, as, as you say, they may be able to recommend another service around teenage sex & drugs.
She seems a bit more herself this evening... still angry with me, of course, but I think trying to do the right thing. I think she will attend the appointment with the counsellor.
I have a cupboard with a lock on (it's getting quite full... ), so I'll put any meds, razors, alcohol etc in there to be on the safe side.
She has an old iPhone, but I have an app installed, called OurPact, which enables me to switch off the internet and other apps. Obviously these are all off most of the time, and I've changed the passcode on the phone in the short term, so she can't use it at all, but I will keep stressing that she will be able to have her phone again in due course, once she's earned a bit of trust back.
I really want her to have opportunities to show us she's trustworthy. It's just such a shame she's messed up every time recently. She lies and lies and lies, even in the face of blatant evidence that she's lying. Its horrible living with this lack of trust, and it must be horrible for her to, to never be able to be believed.
There's no evidence that she's smoked for over a week now. I assume her online friends gave her a few cigarettes and they've run out. She wouldn't have the money or means to get any more, though I suppose people at school could give them to her.
And a massive "yes" to lots of nice things to do together. We went to the cinema last week - she didn't want to come with me, but I refused to take no for an answer, and she enjoyed it in the end. I'll keep that up.
Thank you so much everyone.
Yikes Beezie that is a salutary tale.
And SealSong - I have just read the NSPCC page on CSE and you're absolutely right. She is very vulnerable indeed. I wonder if that's where the cigarettes came from? Ugh.
Thank you for all the kind and supportive comments. Its really, really helping. Glad to know you feel my concerns are proportionate (because "everyone else is so much worse and no one else's parents are like you!!". Of course DD 
).
Hi OP.
You're doing a great job, hang in there 
With dyspraxia and a lot of similar conditions, it's quite common to have poor social skills and probably more importantly immaturity. There's a huge gap between a kid's actual age and their emotional age. Usually, the kid is emotionally only about two thirds of the level of maturity of the physical age.
It's so hard because in some ways they "act" their age, but in others, they cannot. Typical spiky profile stuff.
Instead of expecting her emotional age to be 14, try and consider her emotional responses and actions as done by a 9 or 10 year old, it may give a little more insight into how out of her depth she is in socialising with her age-peers, and why she has a history of 'getting it wrong online'.
If you believe she hasn't seen this boy, who do you think she's had sex with? I don't know if the doctor does have to tell you what she's said to him/her, but it might be worth letting the doctor know that your DD is in contact with SS for risky behaviour and that you're worried about her vulnerability and poor decision making. I don't blame you for escorting her everywhere and keeping her off social media. Every time you've allowed her access she's contacted this boy and/or gone off to meet him. She's only 14 and has no concept of the horrors that could befall her, so full of adolescent hormones and bravado. for you. You sound like a great mum.
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