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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Called the police on my 16 year old DD...

29 replies

ChasingMars · 21/05/2017 15:34

I'm not sure if I've done the right thing. Dd has a history of mental health issues but we thought were pretty much on an even keel. In the past as well as being verbally abusive she has smashed up the house and hit me, her step dad and her sister. We got home about an hour ago. Dd is doing GCSE 's right now and hasn't done a stroke of work. Has spent the weekend in the back garden smoking and drinking with friends. Ignores all suggestions to revise and thinks it's all fine. When I came home to find her laid on the sofa once again it really got my back up. She's such a bright girl with so much going for her and She's pissing it up the wall because She's essentially lazy. I spoke to her when we came in about revision and she was snappy, verbally abusive and swearing infront of my 9 year old. Stormed out the room slamming doors. She then overheard me saying to her step dad that I was fed up with her doing no work, that she needs to pull her finger out, she came back into the room and hit me repeatedly on the shoulders and back, quite hard. Dh had to pull her off. We called the police because I cannot make her understand how unacceptable it is to hit me. She says I am now not her mother and never will be again. I feel so hurt. I don't know if I've done the right thing.

OP posts:

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GotToGetMyFingerOut · 21/05/2017 15:42

Why are you allowing her to sit in your garden all weekend smoking and drinking? Where does she get the cash from for that?

Id not be giving her a penny. Id be telling her if she didnt get her arse upstairs and revise and failed her exams as a result shed be expected to start paying rent.

The only problem with calling the police is, is it likely to stay on her record now shes 16 and affect her trying to gain future employment if she has to declare it? She needs to learn she cant physically assault you.

Is her bio dad still in her life and if he is, does he give you much support? You are a better person than me as id of really had to fight the urge to slap her back if she were attacking me. Is she still getting help for her mental health?

stephmia · 21/05/2017 15:43

You've absolutely done the right thing. Is assault. It's no different from calling the police if your husband hit you. I can imagine as a mother myself it was the hardest thing to do. She needs to know violence is not the answer. Your poor younger DD having to witness this.

ChasingMars · 21/05/2017 15:51

I don't give her cash, two friends turned up with alcohol, we were out at a birthday celebration, I said she could have friends over, when we got home they were sitting and drinking. And yes I have told her I won't support her if she crashes and burns. None of it makes a difference. Her bio dad is useless. She barely sees him. He was abusive to me. She has been having counselling, hypnotherapy and is on meds. I have paid through the nose for private help which has lessened these incidents but she just will not accept any responsibility for her actions, it's always someone else's fault.

OP posts:

BusterGonad · 21/05/2017 16:00

I don't think that I would've called the police, but what do I know as I've never been in this situation. I can offer no advice but I hope you are ok and that thinks settle down.

ChasingMars · 21/05/2017 16:09

It's just that she has hit me and her sister quite a few times in the past and never takes responsibility or accepts what she does is wrong. I just feel she needs to have it hit home that she cannot continue to do this.

OP posts:

stephmia · 21/05/2017 16:13

You've called them now so there's not much more you can do. I understand you must be exasperated given everything you've tried to do for her. Getting the Police involved must have felt like the last resort.

BusterGonad · 21/05/2017 16:19

Op if she's been violent a lot then she needs to learn it's not acceptable. You are in an awful position that no parent wants to be in. Are you getting help? You need someone professional to talk to too so you can learn strategies to deal with her behavior. I feel for you. I really do.

knaffedoff · 21/05/2017 16:36

My sibling repeatedly hit myself and our parents, neighbours knew of the "problems" but the police were never involved. No one else knew not even extended family. I have always questioned why the police or authorities were not advised but my parents felt that it could have escalated the issues and that at least she was safe living at home (as opposed to running away and getting in with the wrong crowd, which she was already involved with). essentially we kept the abuse secretive and she held ultimate power over us.

Fast forward she refuses to acknowledge her behaviour and has manipulated and controlled us to such an extent we are terrified to have an honest relationship with her. We basically do anything we can do to avoid any conflict, we go on holidays together but it's to a place she chooses, when she chooses etc. It's not healthy and frankly I don't like her at all, but because her behaviour has always been accepted and tolerated, there was no reason for her to change .

I wish my parents had blown the whistle, at 16 she is able to take responsibility for her actions snd assaulting a family member, should not be just accepted. A hard decision

NotHotDogMum · 21/05/2017 16:47

Yes you should have called the police, she assaulted you.

You should not have allowed her to have friends over when she's supposed to be revising for her GCSE's

She should not be permitted to drink and smoke (especially not during her exams)

If you cannot trust her hen you should not have gone out, someone should have stayed home to ensure she was revising.

NotHotDogMum · 21/05/2017 16:48

*then

Hawks71 · 21/05/2017 20:47

I think you did the right thing. Its assault. Plain and simple. Totally unacceptable.

We have called the police twice to our home, following violence from our (then 14 year old) DS. Since then while certainly not perfect, in the last few months his behaviour has improved, I think partly because he knows we will have no qualms about calling the police if it happens again (we have a DD of 10 who we need to protect also).

I try and ignore the fact he is our son from scenarios now and think "if this was a stranger/someone I worked with, what would I do?". It sometimes makes it easier to see what an unbelievable amount of shit we are expected to put up with. I've also said that to him. "If you were someone I worked with and you treated me like this........".

You mention your DD has mental health issues. What kind of support is she and also you and your family being given?

mummytofour · 21/05/2017 21:38

Called the police on my 16yr old son recently for smashing up the house and stealing from me. It was hard to do but I felt I had no choice. It's better now than when he is 18 and the behaviour has to stop. My son has a drug problem, mainly cannabis and it affects his moods.

You did the right thing, we held off calling and the problem has only got worse.

Empireoftheclouds · 21/05/2017 21:43

I wouldn't have called the police. She has mental health issues that she needs support with.

At 16 an assault charge on her will set her back no end.

MinkowskisButterfly · 21/05/2017 22:04

Empire, having mental health problems doesn't excuse violence (I say that as someone who has had mental health problems for 20+ years and sometimes quite severe) and support is great but the person receiving support needs to engage otherwise all the support in the world won't help.

OP you did the right thing you have to look out for you and your younger child also.

Hope you are OK, do you personally get any support for you? It can be a massive strain on your own health going through this

Empireoftheclouds · 22/05/2017 07:37

Empire, having mental health problems doesn't excuse violence no I agree, I just would not have phoned the police.

Howdidthathappen1 · 23/05/2017 21:27

You absolutely did the right thing. I called the police on my ds at 18 for smashing my house up. He left home in disgust. Couple years of treading on eggshells round each other and now we are great. We have both apologised for just not coping with each other at the time and moved on.
I completely remember how horrid it felt but the stress of the whole situation was unbearable. You will get through this and your dd will become a rounded mature adult. Have faith in her and your relationship with her. Teen hormones are a bastard

QuiteLikely5 · 23/05/2017 21:34

Of course you did the right thing!

If she was my daughter she would be out of the house and my final investment would be a deposit for accomodation elsewhere.

Yes she is vulnerable and makes poor choices but she has shown that under your roof she is also dangerous.

I'm not saying give up on her, of course support her but don't tolerate this type of behaviour. Call the police every time.

PretendingToBeAMuggle · 23/05/2017 21:45

I can't really offer much other than I had a phase of being similar to your DD as a teenager. I wasnt aggressive to others but was overwhelmed by mental health issues growing up and didn't know how to cope with my emotions at all. I felt at the time that my mum hated me and all I wanted was her love but knew she too thought I was lazy and wasting my life. I think I used to push things to see how she would react in the desperate hope she'd see how unhappy I was and give me the unconditional love that I so desperately wanted. Obviously the violence adds a dimension that needs to be addressed but would really recommend some sort of family therapy for you both to try and meet somewhere in the middle

Kareninfrance · 28/05/2017 00:21

Hi - we are having major problems too with our just turned 17 year old. Know he smokes pot but it is mixed with so much now also he hangs about with someone who tales MDMA apparently. He will not speak to us at all.. hd has gone to his grandparents as I hoped thrh would talk sternly to him anx that he would respect them and listen but no he is riding roughshod ovev them anx refuses to come home. Told me to get stuffed and hung up today. Don't know what to do - how are you dealing with it?

jennyt19 · 28/05/2017 17:10

Just interested to know what the police actually do. I've had a situation where my ds was violent towards me and my dh actually took his side!! I said next time he's violent towards me I won't turn to dh, I'll just call the police. I've told both of them that. I'm just a bit worried what the consequences will be. Will it go on his record? Will the police take action?

Iluvthe80s · 28/05/2017 20:05

jennyt19 when we called the police, they just spoke to our DS, to try and make him see the error of his ways and where it could lead. I think it would only lead to something if we decided to press charges against him....but I could be wrong. I would have no qualms about calling them again should he turn violent. For us, I think it made him realise that we would no longer tolerate his behaviour.

Primaryteach87 · 28/05/2017 20:10

I think you did the wrong thing. DD needs to your belief in her and for you to break through the teenage behaviour to the real worries and fear. You have basically shown her you can't be trusted.

She is a child. Her behaviour wasn't okay but it's an absolute overreaction to call the police. Most of my friends would have had the police called on them at this- they are all professional, kind, caring adults now.

I think you need to make some big steps to put this right,

FrenchMartiniTime · 28/05/2017 20:18

Assaulting your family is not normal teenage behaviour.

Laziness, back chat, pushing the boundaries yes. Physically assaulting your family members and making them live in fear, no.

She thinks she's adult enough to smoke, drink and piss her education up the wall so she's adult enough to face the consequences of her actions.

specialsubject · 28/05/2017 20:18

What else was the op supposed to do? This is domestic violence.

However unwell the daughter is, there are three other people at risk.

FrenchMartiniTime · 28/05/2017 20:21

I think you need to make some big steps to put this right,

Wrong. The DD is the one who needs to take steps to put this right.

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