Disengaged from school

[gttia]

My 13 year old has totally disengaged from school. She goes but only to socialize.
She won't work, won't take part in things, is disruptive, rude to teachers, says they don't deserve her respect.

I've removed everything - phone, social media, makeup, money, no seeing friends and she is on full report.

Any other ideas as she doesn't seem at all bothered. At home she is lovely, helps out, has attitude but no more than others but shows no remorse for her behaviour at school.

Any help appreciated

[SaltySeaDog72]

Is she complying with full report?

What does she say on the subject?

Is she doing homework?

Does she any problems with learning like dyslexia etc?

Wrong crowd of friends?

[gttia]

She's not complying with the full report, she still has accrued behaviour points and disrupted a lesson yesterday.
Again today.
She is doing the bare minimum.

We let her choose our days out over the weekend, she chose breakfast so tried to include her but it's had no effect whatever.
Bought her a book, new sunglasses.

Today I am broken with her. I can't get through to her that's she's ruining her education and that of others.
I'm so sad.

Her answer is she hates school and is bored...

[OpalTree]

This book is good. The guy who wrote it ran a school for children excluded from other schools.
<a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B003TSE02Y/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">//www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B003TSE02Y/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Stewart2017]

Similar disruptive 13 year old boy here.
School on phone today asking for parents support as school try deal with stubborn and constant talk back and inappropriate words in class.
Consequence tonight will be removal of electricals, but that will just start another tantrum.
At wits end.
Any suggestions welcome to tackle this.

[VixParker79]

I am going through the same thing my boy is 13 and he keeps truenting from school won't do homework or detentions if he doesn't stop soon they have threatened to expell him and I will be taken to court and fined..He doesn't seem to care either, I'm at my wits end worried everyday.. :(

[Iluvthe80s]

So sorry to read you are having issues. Is there anything that has changed at home/in her life that could have triggered this change in behavior? Is this a recent change? Was she previously engaged at school?

[jennyt19]

We've had this with my ds for 3 years since starting Secondary School. It turns out he has ADD. After 3 long years he's finally been prescribed medication.

Why don't you get her tested? Maybe you should start by having a long chat with the school to find out what they believe the issue maybe. See whether they can guide you.

If she's good at home, which my DS is not(!!), then it suggests to me that she has some kind of underlying learning issue.

[MixedUpShookUpGirl]

jenny re. your son's ADD diagnosis.

May I ask did you get this privately or through your GP?

Was your son resistant to this diagnosis, or a bit relieved?

Was the school co-operative?

What do you think the diagnosis achieved? Do you think it might make things better or worse in later life (in terms of labelling for example).

I ask, because I have often thought my teenage son has ADD, he certainly has some of the symptoms. But I am not sure of the advantages and disadvantages of pursuing a diagnosis.

[MixedUpShookUpGirl]

I ask, because my son, like OP's is quite disengaged with school, even though bright. He is also quite disruptive, on report etc etc. He can be pleasant at home but at other times hard work, disengaged and disrespectful.

[jennyt19]

Hi MixedUp - We got the diagnosis privately via an Educational Psychologist. School were very co-operative and actively pushed us along this path. I think my DS was relieved. He's quite outgoing and has been telling his friends who, laughably, have been googling it and decided they all have it too! I really don't think it is something that will affect him negatively. There are some really effective medication out there at the moment which apparently can be transformative.

The problem for us is that my son is at a grammar school and he sticks out like a sore thumb. He's miles behind the other kids in terms of his test results and his academic achievement. It was only at Secondary School that this was picked up and it was his teachers who first spotted it. Primary school never said a word to us. His school reckon that, if he'd gone to a normal secondary school, it still wouldn't have been picked up. It's only because he was surrounded by bright focused children that it became glaringly obvious to his teachers. Nearly all of them have said they think there's a problem.

[jennyt19]

Forgot to add that the GP was useless.

[jennyt19]

Gttia - we've been living with this for some time now. We've lectured him about how he's ruining his life. He tells us that he's going to own a business so we don't need to worry about him. He's also going to live on a barge to keep his living costs down. He wants to move out as soon as he can. He thinks I'm really mean by not letting him go now!!

We can't even get my son to brush his teeth - that's how bad things are. I stood over him for 40 minutes the other day trying to get him out of bed to brush his teeth at bedtime. We've tried showing him pictures and telling him that no girl will want to kiss him because his breath will smell but it makes no odds. Makes me feel sick. I keep thinking back to when his first tooth came through and how I would diligently brush it morning and night and now I can't get him to go near his toothbrush. So disappointing.

[gttia]

That's interesting because back in reception they asked us to see the gp regards an autism query, I did, then got divorced and the new school never said a word so I left it believing being in an abusive house was the problem back then.

This week has been good although I'm yet to see a report, maybe that's a good sign.
I ranted on Tuesday and stopped all data on her phone, if she can't behave she can't have nice things. But she is generally lovely at home mostly. She can be rude though and this is her main issue that's she's rude at school, doesn't feel she has been rude and then gets told off so switches off.
I may investigate the add suggestion. Makes sense tbh xx

[MixedUpShookUpGirl]

yes, i have the teeth brushing issue - I have to tell him all the time. I have PM'd you Jenny I hope thats OK.

[MixedUpShookUpGirl]

my son is also very business-oriented jenny!