SN, onset of puberty. Horrible behaviour. I am worn down and fed up.

[Youallpissmeoff]

I am doing the forbidden. Cross posting. There have been no replies on SN so I am
posting here. Tonight I barely recognise my child. They are so wound up and upset and angry. SN outsider would say that they were just a brat but ADHD meltdowns so often appear to be that. But it is so often and they are being so insolent and want me with them but not near them. Something has upset him (can't be bothered with the anonymity now) and the result is anger and baiting.

The SN have from infancy always meant that any negative emotion/physical feeling displays as anger. This could be something little -he got shouted at or didn't understand a subject at school, it could be something big - friendship problems, in trouble. But to get to the bottom of it takes ages. And there is always destructive meltdowns. I feel so worn out. I can't tell if this is just puberty ora bigger problem. His medication isn't effective enough and that is s big problem.
I think this is my new home. Hello. Below shows how I feel tonight.
Be gentle, I can't take another kicking at the moment.


It is driving me to the edge. There is so much anger and resentment. I thought Kevin and Perry were funny way back when. Now they are my life with a big dose of fuck you anger coming from my child.

They takes meds which are mildly useful and CAMHS have nothing else to offer. I cope and cope and cope but I feel like a sponge that can't absorb anymore. The battles are constant, swearing and blaming me for everything when I am a really proactive parent.

I have stopped liking my child and that feels terrible. I love them more than life but I don't enjoy being with them at the moment.

Just want sympathetic noises really.

Just to say - there is no support for parents round here. I did a PPP course when he was 7 yrs. I think I need a new one. The focus should be on non- confrontational problem solving/boundary setting.
Please make your best sympathetic noises and suggests.
Thank you.

[Stickerrocks]

I'm not able to offer any practical help, but I can sympathise. My nephew is a 13 year old toddler going through puberty whilst still in pull ups. He has a very limited vocabulary, hits you with a grin & is very hard work. I love him deeply, but know I can go home to my own NT child. I'm so sorry that you're having to face such challenging behaviour. & I hope that you can grab what little help is available.

[BeBeatrix]

I really sympathise.

Please keep reminding yourself that it's ok (and totally understandable) to dislike your child, and doesn't diminish your unconditional love for him.

[t875]

Sorry to hear this OP.

How old is ds? Do you think the councillor is working at cahms? Maybe time to try a different one?
Is he worried about anything?
Has anything big happened to him in his life?
I would check his computer and text messages between friends and see if anything is going on from there.
Get him into things he enjoys,
can he do any outside clubs?
Maybe you guys do something together.
There are some good books. The teenage brain is very good and also another one which I can't remember but I'll come back to the thread to let you know it.
Also possibly could you try private councilling if that's an option?
13/14 was very turbulent for our dd was awful.
Hope he is better soon though. I sympathise with you x

[wonderwoof]

Sorry OP, I have nothing to offer in the way of advice, but I am on my way to work and shall bump this so others may see it who have something helpful to say.

It sounds beyond exhausting. Is there anyway you could spoil yourself a little today- perhaps coffee and cake an hour or a bath? Just a little chance to recharge for a minute. Be kind to yourself. I hope you get some helpful advice soon.

[Bensyster]

When my ds hit this age and all my previous tactics seemed to make things worse, life had gone from being fairly easy to a full on battle zone. I went into full on parental teen manual reading mode....never one to take one author's view on the subject - try the library. They help, they comfort and sometimes they even provide sound advice. I learned to withdraw from arguing - rather than trying to prove I was right! - to walk away and come back to the problem when everyone has calmed down - maybe the next day, that when your child screws up it's a learning opportunity - to lusten to what they have to say and not try to diminish their frustrations and concerns. To use humour when reminding them of things they need to do. Set boundaries together. And do something nice together - reach out to the child inside, the one you love. It all seems like common sense but somehow when you are caught up in the emotional storm you forget how to bring in the calm.
Maybe this stuff isn't much use to you, I took what I needed from these books and life has become more sane as a result.

[Kleinzeit]

I'm sorry there wasn't any response on SN.

Have you looked at Ross Greene's <a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0061906190?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Explosive Child book and his Lives in the Balance website? It may be that you're already doing a lot of the same stuff but it's worth a look. He's very good on de-escalation and on setting realistic boundaries, and takes a problem-solving approach (Part 3 of the website) which may help your DS in the long term.

My DS used to get angry with me and blame me for a lot of things that (even obviously) weren't my fault. That used to really push my buttons and left me feeling ground down and miserable. I saw a counsellor for a while and she taught me some visualisation techniques which helped me to protect myself and keep going.

And congratulations on just getting through the days. We may love our little terrors but we can't like them all the time.

[Keeptrudging]

DS was a horrific teenager - meltdowns, put-downs, downright nasty and abusive. If he'd been a partner I'd have packed my bags and gone. Stony silence in the face of extreme hostility was often my only 'weapon', or getting in my car and going for a drive (with my DD, who is 8 years younger so would get upset by it). I'd say "I'll talk to you when I can see your ready". Any attempts to engage with him when he was 'off on one' just escalated things. CAHMS advised me at one point to put a lock on my bedroom door so I could take myself and DD there when he was having a meltdown. This enraged him so much he actually kicked the door in (then burst into tears). I (almost want to) promise you that it will get better. I had a few years of hell, 13-15, then it started to improve. He's now a lovely grown-up, we have a great relationship, we've even spoken lately about the 'dark years'!

He still has ADHD, still gets cross (and manages it) but his main stressor was school and the (unachievable) demands it placed on him. Once he left school, it was as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.