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19 year old son won't get a job and makes me feel anxious and stressed all the time. Help please

(24 Posts)
smellybum1 Tue 07-Feb-17 12:15:31

I live with my 19 year old son and 10 year old daughter, over the last two years my son has been so disrespectful and on occasions abusive towards me. I get told to 'shut up' 'go away' and the other night he told me I was thick and stupid.

He doesn't take drugs and doesn't drink much and keeps out of trouble outside the home, but indoors he makes my life a misery. I feel anxious when I hear him coming down the stairs, or if I am in bed and he starts being noisy my chest becomes tight (the noise can go on until 2/3am)

He works a bank job, therefore goes when he wants and as he says he pays me £150 a rent a month so doesn't have to work full time (which he does) if he doesn't earn enough his dad will pay (I have spoken to his dad and his dad just doesn't care) I have given my son a year of doing this and told him he needs to get a full time job and even threatened that if he doesn't I will kick him out (I didn't follow threw) I have offered to help with his CV and even found jobs he could apply for, but always an excuse why he can't or wont do it.

Recently my mum passed away and four days later my partner left me, my son has not supported me what so ever and lays in bed all day, he refuses to help around the house or get out of bed to take my daughter to school if I have to go to work early. The other night he brought a girl home whom I had never met and I told him to walk her home as I just knew she would stay over and he would not even ask me. He ended up leaving with her and the last two nights been out with I assume her and then not going to the shift he has been given, he has now lost his shift for this week. He just doesn't care.

I said to him this morning I wanted to talk to him about this, but I got told to shut up, go away and I don't care.

What should I do, I love him to bits, but I want him to do well and not lay in bed all day and be abusive. I have thought about giving him four weeks to find a job or I will put his stuff at his dads (his dad says he hasn't got room for him)

What are your thoughts please as I feel myself getting more and more stressed and upset trying to deal with it all. Am I in the right place to be thinking about this as it is my mums funeral tomorrow, or am I just making excuses. I just want us to be happy, but he won't engage with me.

frenchfancy Tue 07-Feb-17 12:28:26

If this were your DP you would be told to LTB.

I don't think you should have to put up with this behaviour from another adult. It is unfortunate you didn't follow through last time as now if you threaten it he probably won't believe you.

Do you provide his meals? Do his laundry? Or do anything else for him. If yes then that should be the first to go. Threaten, allow a fixed time scale then carry out. First no laundry, then no meals, then no WiFi etc. I think throwing out should be a last resort, better to make him leave of his own free will.

Maudlinmaud Tue 07-Feb-17 12:35:32

Put his rent up. That should give him a rude awakening.
Sorry about your mum flowers

FlyWaxSleepRepeat Tue 07-Feb-17 12:39:09

You need to be prepared to issue an ultimatum and follow it through.

Otherwise you will continue to be abused in your own home by this adult until he decides to leave.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-Feb-17 13:26:52

Very sorry for your loss.
flowers Why not get past the funeral and give yourself the weekend to gather strength.

over the last two years my son has been so disrespectful and on occasions abusive towards me.

He is on borrowed time really as this has reached a critical point before - but you say you didn't follow through. I know you love him but he is taking advantage of that.

Do you mind me asking, btw, did those two years coincide with your relationship with exDP?

smellybum1 Tue 07-Feb-17 13:57:41

My partner moved in four years ago and never had much to do with my son, as time went on the relationship became worse until my partner refused to talk to my son, it wasn't long after this he left me.

I know my son didn't like him either and had no respect.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-Feb-17 18:22:51

Well, the ex has gone, and before you meet someone else it would be good get to things on an even keel.
Plenty of young people move out to get some space from their loving family.
With things as they are, some distance between you and DS is required.

smellybum1 Thu 23-Feb-17 20:05:38

Well I did it, he told my daughter to 'piss off' the other day and when I woke him up before I went to work so he could go and find a job it was a big fat no. I asked him to tidy his bedroom as he has all our plates etc in and guess what a big fat no. So I packed his stuff up and took him to his dads. It has only been a few days and I have changed the locks and I feel so guilty and awful and empty.

He sent me a text yesterday saying he was coming home, I said not unless you have a job and abide by the house rules. He told me that is the end of relationship. I am trying to be strong, but I feel like crap if I am being honest and am scared I will loose him .

Timetogetup0630 Thu 23-Feb-17 23:26:10

Well done Smelly but you need to stick by your guns now and. NOT let him back in the house. Ignore the emotional blackmail and focus on your own life and that of your daughter.

swingofthings Fri 24-Feb-17 08:16:44

You made a threat and didn't follow up with it. A very hard decision to make, but ultimately, any threat not carried out is control gained. I think unless a miracle happens and your son has a sudden awakening, you're going to have to go back to the threat, give him notice and tell him he has to go.

Of course, the fear is that by doing so you might never see him again, but the likelihood is that instead, he will face the reality of life, grow up and then realise that he treated you appallingly and apologise. My MIL had to resort to this with my DH at that same age. It broke her heart as she adored him and was a single mum, but she knew she had to. They didn't speak for 18 months, but then made up. He turned out to be an adult to be extremely proud of. Great career, very responsible and the best son she could dream off. He goes to see her every week-end and couldn't do enough for her.

Sometimes you do have no choice left but to take drastic actions for the better of everyone.

Bluntness100 Fri 24-Feb-17 08:21:05

You can't give in, for his sake. He needs to grow up, stop being abusive and get a job. He clearly prefers it with you because it's easier. He can't spend his life like this, so hold firm with your rules. If you allow him back it will get worse.

RJnomore1 Fri 24-Feb-17 08:23:46

Swing RTFT!
Well done smelly. You need to remember as awful as it feels it's for his own good too, he can't be a fully functioning adult living the way he is and you would be doing him no favours to facilitate it.

Hopefully one day he will grow up and things will get better but giving in to him will not make that happen.

HecateAntaia Fri 24-Feb-17 08:25:57

you may 'lose' him in the short term but you will lose him forever if you allow him back to continue abusing you and his sister.

you have an opportinity here to teach him one of those most valuable lessons a parent can teach a child - that you cannot treat people like shit and expect to be liked or have no consequences.

if you let him back now, while he is clearly saying no i will not change, not only are you doing yourself and your daughter a disservice, you're doing him one too. and any women he happens to be with in the future.

you need to be consistant.

i love you but your behaviour and attitude towards me and your sister is abusive and i will not tolerate it. you will not live in this house unless you change.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Fri 24-Feb-17 08:26:57

Well done OP! Stay strong. Hope you're feeling better already.

ScrapThatThen Fri 24-Feb-17 08:27:55

Yes, decide whether to give him notice to move out by a certain date, or notice of a rent and responsibility increase. He is an adult and if he is not respectful and contributing then he needs to learn. You will have to stick to your guns though - come here for strength and support. Sorry for your loss flowers.

ScarletForYa Fri 24-Feb-17 08:28:20

You won't lose him OP.

He'll take a while to learn. Stay strong.

ScrapThatThen Fri 24-Feb-17 08:28:41

Sorry, missed your update, stay strong.

Isadora2007 Fri 24-Feb-17 08:29:33

Honestly? It sounds like your relationship with him got bad as a result of your ex partner when your son was 14/15. He then lost all respect for you staying with a man who didn't even talk to him in his own home. You then set a low rent for your son, which he paid. So he was working enough to cover his living costs yes?
He is 19, not 25. Many 19 year olds are on a gap year before studying and they don't do full time work. Your childcare issues also are not his responsibility.
I think you've treated him unfairly and you've not worked on building back the respect and love lost due to your poor relationship choices. I'm sorry about the loss of your mum but he also lost his granny.
In your shoes instead of ranting about full time work and setting threats you didn't follow through on... I'd have sat down and talked about realistic rent costs and how if he wanted to be working towards moving out he could do with some extra shifts. Gradually increasing his work and he could have paid you more (you could have kept the £150 and put aside the extra he paid to act as a deposit for him)
It's like you've expected him to suddenly be a grown up responsible man when he hasn't had any role models for this in his life.
Respect works two ways and whilst I don't think you've been treated well neither do I think has he.

specialsubject Fri 24-Feb-17 17:56:47

Well done. He either returns as a decent human being, or stays as he is and doesnt come back. He was hell to live with. Civilised behaviour at home should be perfectly possible at 19.

smellybum1 Sun 26-Feb-17 19:56:59

Thank you to all of you that have kept me strong, my son now has an interview for a full time job, he came for a visit today and it went well, so fingers crossed and you are all right x

belu1 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:02:26

smellybum stay strong. He needs tough love

user1474319834 Wed 29-Mar-17 11:13:07

Wow that was interesting ready I too have a 19 year old son who feels he is a man but is clearly not so hard to do the right thing 😬

Zara444 Sun 30-Apr-17 07:23:59

I had the same problem with my 19 year old son , so disrespectful , talked to me like dirt and I took all his stuff to his dads . It was awful and painful , he didn't speak to me for a while but then wanted to come home as he was so unhappy at his dads . We talked and he promised to change so I had him back . Things were ok for a few weeks but can see things sliding back , no where near like before but I will put a stop to it as can't go back to how it was . My advice here is be more sure than me that things will change , good luck xx

LarrytheCucumber Sun 30-Apr-17 07:42:12

Isadora I think I'm with you. This lad is only 19, his father isn't living with him, so presumably something led up to that, his mother had a partner who wasn't bothered about him, his Granny died, and his Mum expects him to behave like an adult, and then throws him out.
I think his behaviour probably indicates a very unhappy young man who needs some compassion and understanding.

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