DD2 struggling with DD1 growing up

[FarAwayHills]

No sure whether to post here or in preteens as this about both really.

So DD1(13) and DD2(10) have always got along pretty well until recently. I think it's partly because DD1 is now a teen and doing more and being independent going out with her friends and DD2 is feeling left behind. DD1 is also less interested in hanging out with her sister. They seem to bicker non stop with DD2 very capable of winding DD1 up and equally DD1 is short tempered when it comes to her sister claiming she always gets her own way etc.

I just wondered if any of you lovely MN wise ones had any advice to offer. I feel worn down from constant arguments and worry how it will affect their relationship as they get older.

[Peebles1]

I have three DCs (now a lot older) and they were always bickering, especially in the car! I read a book called Sibling Rivalry which had some good suggestions and made me feel I wasn't the only one!

Just looked on Amazon and there is another book called Siblings Without Rivalry, so maybe my memory is wrong but I'm pretty sure it was the former.

Suggestions included getting them to sit down, say what the problem was, write down solutions. They loved doing that! Also, don't always intervene (unless physical harm is taking place). Give them the tools to find solutions. Good luck - it drove me bonkers but they came through it.

[nooka]

I think that this is very common, it's a time when age gaps that didn't previously matter seem to suddenly expand. Not sure it's about rivalry really, although techniques to manage sibling conflict might be very helpful. Otherwise I think supporting your younger daughter in her friendships is probably the most important thing so she misses her sister less.

[RubyWinterstorm]

I had this with my DSs (now 14 and 12)

They used to be quite good buddies and play together a lot.

at 13 "suddenly" DS1 was 6 ft tall, not into lego anymore and more into spending time with his friends. All normal. He also foudnhis younger brother a bit "young" now.

Now that DS2 is at secondary too, they are a bit more like equals again, hang out together and I can hear them laugh upstairs.

It's just that at 10-13 the age gap is HUGE, but one the younger one is inn Y7 and starts to hit puberty, the gap closes again...

So sit tight and make sure you keep reminding the older one to be nice to the younger one.

Also make them do chores at the same time, so they can bond over how unfair their mum is

[FarAwayHills]

Thanks all for your suggestions. It is good to know that this is a common thing when the age gap becomes more apparent.

I think you are right about chores Ruby

[imjessie]

I have a 13 year old dd and the difference in her in the last6 months is amazing ! She doesn't want to spend time with even 12 year olds so I'm not surprised the age gap is really becoming a problem. The good thing is she will catch up and it will even put when they are a bit older .

[crazycrofter]

We've had the same experience for the last year or so. Dd is a very mature year 8 (although still only 12) and her 10 year old brother seems so young and silly. They bicker a lot and do very little together. I think it might change a bit come Sept when ds goes to secondary - I'm hoping so anyway as they used to be very close. They did bounce on the trampoline together for half an hour today though!

[misshelena]

Same thing happened to DD16 and DD13 back when they were 13 and 10 respectively.
First DD1 cleared her room of all her dolls and toys. Then she started to hang out with her friends and even when home would be on her phone. DD2 felt ignored. They didn't fight so much as DD2 just got sad. Then she began to complain about having difficulties breathing and insisted that I take her to see her doctor. Her doctor told her that her breathing issues were psychosomatic. On the ride home, DD2 broke down in tears and told me DD1 no longer wanted her :( I had a talk with DD1 and let her know what doctor and DD2 said. DD1 felt really guilty and promised to make time for DD2. She kept her promised and things got alot better very quickly. We also got a pet for DD2 and that helped too.

I think you should talk to DD1 and explain to her what is going on. As the older sister, it is her responsibility to make things better for her little sis, who at the end of the day, is just really missing her big sis.

[mikado1]

Agree dd1 might be impressed upon to help here but disagree it's her responsibility unless she is being deliberately unkind.

[TheEdgeofSeventeen]

My only experience is from me and my sister ( who have the same age gap as your DD's ) - we were very close, but very different as kids, and still okay around this age but when I hit 13 ( so sister 15 and a half-ish) we stopped being friends - occasional fun moments but usually arguing ( sisters know where it hurts too) and we really didn't like each other by the time I was around 15. She went off to Uni and then when I was around 19ish ( and at uni myself) I came home one holiday and BOOM - We reached adulthood and suddenly our age differences weren't issues ( no hormones making us weird, no different development rates, no friends or bully of really different ages) We became best friends and now I couldn't live without her - everyone always thinks were twins.
I think try and talk to them or some of the solutions people have offered but don't worry too much about their future relationship - adulthood becomes an equaliser.

[Lanny81]

My DD (15) used to love spending time with her little sister (who's now 8). I know theres a huge age gap already but 2 years ago she would sit and do her hair for her etc. As she's getting older they bicker. My 8 year old is just a mega annoyance to her big sister and they have to share a room! They don't argue all the time but I've told my eldest that her little sister looks up to her and sometimes she doesn't talk to her very nicely. I have DS too who's 10 and he gets on with both of them fine..Most of the time anyway. He's at an awkward age where he's too young for some things, too old for others. He loves his older sisters "banter" as they call it these days and often comes out with some very comical stuff, most of which he's heard from her. At the same time, he still loves to play with his little sister although they do bicker at times he's very protective over her and also likes to think he can advise her!
Very awkward ages though xx

[Sittinginthesun]

We were just talking about this yesterday. Ds1 is 13, ds2 is 10, and they have been worlds apart for the past year. Ds2 has ended up spending a lot of time with me instead.

This week, out of nowhere, ds1 has started looking for ds2 to join in with his stuff again. They're playing on the Xbox right now.

It's really lovely, and seems to have resolved itself - not sure whether ds2 has "grown up" a bit, or whether ds1 has just come through something on his own?

Not much help, sorry, but it seems to gave settled for us without any intervention.

[5moreminutes]

Bloody hell - don't guilt trip your eldest and make little sister's emotional highs and lows, health and happiness the responsibility of a 13 year old kid who is coming to terms with puberty and all it brings herself unless you want to breed enormous resentment! That's got to be the worst advice I've ever read on here!

Help DD2 understand what's going on, do more with her yourself yes - emotionally blackmail your eldest no, no, no!