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DS 14 spending time with girlfriend

(9 Posts)
howtocope Thu 05-Jan-17 18:31:04

I knew this day would come but didn't expect it so early. DS 14 has his first girlfriend and is besotted. She seems like a nice girl. The problem is that DS spends so much time at her house and, to be honest, I miss him and am feeling quite jealous. He's constantly telling me how much better it is at GF's house, how much nicer, cooler her mum is. GF is one of five children with a single mum. I get the impression that mum is exhausted so there are few/no rules at the house. DS comes home saying what a great time he had at GF's but is grumpy and quite hurtful at home. We're not terribly strict and, ironically, things he likes at GF's house like playing music and games we stopped doing because DS complained about it so much!

We've had some very honest conversations about sex and I've put condoms in the bathroom though I told him that I hope he waits a few years before going that far. He's had some lovebites so they're definitely making out but he says that they both think they're too young for sex. I do believe him and hope I'm not being naive.

My questions are:

Is this normal at 14? It seems young to me but I'm not sure how I could stop the relationship without making the situation worse.

How do I deal with my own hurt feelings? DS is obviously nice and charming at GF's house but when he's home it's constant arguments and snide comments. I think it's typical teen behaviour but I had no idea it would hurt so much.

Luckything50 Thu 05-Jan-17 20:28:20

I suspect you need some advice from those more experienced than me but didn't want to leave without saying a couple of things; 14 is not too young for sex and actually can be harder to resist so would be careful to avoid making it too easy for them.
And as for missing your sons company, I can completely relate to that and cannot compete with GFs family so have decided the only course of action is to be genuinely happy for him, and tell him so, and find stuff to do to fill your time. If you're lucky he may decide whatever it is makes you more fun to be around, but either way he won't have to worry about you (he probably is) and your relationship will be improved by your not minding so much when he's being horrible.

MycatsaPirate Thu 05-Jan-17 20:31:52

Is he your only child?

Maybe he likes the big group of people round at his GF's house and finds it 'boring' at home. You know, because that's what teens think about everything especially if their own parents are involved.

Thing is, if he wasn't with a GF then he'd probably be out with his mates. I rarely saw DD1 from the age of about 13 because she was out with friends, sometimes they would all congregate at ours, sometimes at anothers but mostly they were out at different clubs and things. She's 18 now and is still out most nights.

Why not invite his gf over to yours?

Brighteyes27 Thu 05-Jan-17 20:42:20

Not sure about the sex and relationships as DS has only just turned 13 and DD is almost 12. He's not so bad but DD and another friend is round at her friends (twins) round the corner at any and every opportunity. I worry she is in the way round there but also I love her and also miss her. I have invited the others girls round to our house on many occasions but in the main they seem to prefer their house which is doubly hurtful. As she is still so young I can't be too far away and feel I can't really settle to get in with much. I think the other household is busier as more children there and more laid back as mum works full time and often late so their dad or older sister are in charge or sometimes they are on their own for an hour immediately after school. So I can identify with the hurt.

howtocope Thu 05-Jan-17 21:08:06

Thanks for the replies. It helps to know I'm not alone. We have s DD 11 too. I feel for her as DS is so grumpy when he's home and I know it's an unpleasant environment for all of us sometimes.

We do have GF around. She even stayed overnight on NYE (in DD's room). They just seem to prefer her house. A friend suggested it's the novelty because their life and home is very different to ours. I do find it frustrating. DS has refused to come and visit his grandmother this weekend, whom he hasn't seen in months, but rushed off to GF's house tonight to meet her nan.

We used to be the house where everyone congregated. DD still has her friends around. I loved having a house full of kids. I guess it's just different now.

howtocope Thu 05-Jan-17 21:12:11

Luckything50, yes, you're right. I need to fill the gap as DS pulls away. I started volunteering in September and am really enjoying it. I'm also doing an MA through the OU. I've been a SAHM for 14 years. Very hard to start letting go.

misshelena Fri 06-Jan-17 03:28:53

14 is not too young for sex. You are doing the right thing with the sex talk and condoms.

And I don't really think you have a reason to be jealous. He likes it at her house because he associates it with her!

NoneOfYourShenanigans Sun 08-Jan-17 08:52:35

Just a hand hold really from me. I am going through exactly the same situation as you and feel totally the same way. It's so hard, isn't it? I keep trying to tell myself that it will all pass and he will come back to us eventually, that I have to see the long term picture. You are not alone xx

howtocope Sun 08-Jan-17 17:39:53

GF posted some pics on FB of a family meal that DS attended. I admit it did hurt to see my boy as part of another family but he did look very happy. I keep reminding myself of that as he goes to spend another day with GF's family.

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