Teen love long distance and worrisome

[Sloanemoody]

Bit of an odd situation. We travel from country to country as a family of 4. My son has been doing this since he was 2 1/2. He is now 14. In our last posting abroad, he fell in love. He was always active & sociable before but since being with her he has changed. He doesn't interact with us like he used to and I find it's difficult to talk about his life. I understand it's part of him growing up but it's concerning. We have since moved countries again, meaning their relationship has become long distance. I was hoping it would phase out but actually I feel things have got worse. They now spend a lot of time together on social media/Xbox. Although he has made good friends here, he seems to choose her over them. He is a great kid & caring but I feel she is abusing this. She constantly tells him she is being bullied by her parents& school friends. She is always telling him she is ill. Tonight has really pushed us to the brink of dispair. She told him she is self harming. My sons reaction was to immediately tell her parents, which he did. I'm happy he made this choice. But now it's worrying me that he is only staying in this relationship in the fear that she will harm herself if he dares to call it a day. They are both 14. I think this is too much for him to handle but I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me some guidance? X

[Sloanemoody]

Wow. It really is an odd situation then.....🙁

[misshelena]

Do you know her parents? Even if you don't, you can call her mom and share your concern over her dd's self harming and the teens' relationship. Most of all, let her know that you feel that this is not the right time nor situation nor distance that is conducive to a healthy relationship for 14-yo teens. As such you are going to discourage their continued involvement and you hope that they will do the same as their dd's priority has to be to work on herself and her own recovery. You've now properly laid the responsibility for the girl on the parents.
Next you tell ds of your convo and the fact that her parents are now fully involved and that he should give them space to work on their situation. And he is just a kid and can't be responsible for anyone anyway.

[Smartiepants79]

I'm not sure how much you can do to actually stop him and sadly direct interference can have the opposite effect to the one you intend.
I would avoid being openly negative or critical about her.
Encourage his other interests and friendships.
Ensure that he understands that he is not responsible for her mental health. She is either deeply unhappy and in need of help that he cannot provide or she's winding him up.
He sounds like he's got good instincts and is fairly sensible. Just take care not to put him in a situation Where he feels he can't tell you stuff anymore.

[Sloanemoody]

Misshelena: thanks for taking the time out to write a reply. Much appreciated. I don't know the parents well enough to ask that of them. I'm worried they may say to their daughter that I've asked them to tell her to back off, this then getting back to my son who will then feel we have betrayed him. I couldn't live with the thought of losing him over this or if this girl was silly enough to take it further because of our intervention. She's in a very unstable situation. I really hope her parents get her the help she needs.

Smartiepants79: thank you also. You have pretty much written what my hubby & I feel is the safest approach. I listen but do not judge, offer to help if he needs it, but I've yet to say he is not responsible for her mental health. Ill make sure to put that into our next conversation on the topic. Thanks.x