16 yo pregnant :(

[hartleymummy]

Devastated doesn't even come close. Today I received the text message (yes text message!!!) no mother would ever want to receive. My daughter text me telling me she needed to tell my something. I replied "you're not pregnant are you" in to which I got a response of "mum don't hate me". I just knew what I was about to hear, but still didn't want to hear it.

My heart sank. I will never hate my daughter. She is in a stable relationship and has been with her bf for 2 years. He is 18 almost 19. DD is 17 next march.

I spoke to her tonight and we both was in floods of tears but she told me she wants to go ahead with keeping the baby, and as soon as I said an abortion was an option she looked at me in disgust. I will support her either way. I am just so heart broken and do not want her life to be ruined, I am so sad for them both. I just expected more from them and the last I knew she was on the pill. I am so disappointed in them, as they both have amazing career paths they want to follow. I am terrified of their plans ruining, which they must likely will. Not just that, but I don't know how they are going to cope financially and don't feel they are ready to have baby

Sorry for blabbing on, there is so much I could ask and I am feeling so much different emotions. I am completely lost and can not get any sleep. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Pls tell me there is light at the end of this tunnel

[rememberpurpleronnie]

I'm sure someone will come along soon with experience but I just wanted to say that in the middle of the night these things always seem so much worse. You will adore this baby and so will they- they could be fantastic parents. My only advice would be to offer unilateral support, regardless of their decision. I wouldn't mention abortion again unless your daughter does, at least you know she knows the option is there. Thinking of you on this cold dark night!

[user1476140278]

My Mum had my sister at 17...fell pregnant at 16. She was with my Dad for over 40 year before he died. They had a marvellous life together and 3 more children.

It's not the end of the world.

[RollingWithIt]

You sound like an amazing mum! I agree wiith supporting her whatever she decides.

It's not going to be easy and she will have to grow up fast. There's not much else you can do just now.

I would be gutted too, my DD is a bit away from teenage years yet. Some with experience will post to help you deal with it

[hartleymummy]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I'm glad I have been able to open up and let it all out. My head will not stop going round and round, and I am probably overthinking everything. It is a good job her bf is more or less a part of our family, and we all love him dearly, otherwise I would be even more devastated. Especially if it was with a guy she hardly knew. It could be a lot worse I suppose. I trust him to stick by her.

I still don't think I will be able to get my head around it anytime soon. It is like a living nightmare for me. She is my baby girl and I don't think they are mentally ready for this. They just don't understand how much more restricted their life will become, and how hard it will be for them. I just wish they wasn't stupid enough to get themselves into this situation in the first placeIt really does sadden me, but they both know I will support them as much as I can. Her bf still hasn't told his parents and is too afraid to. They are very old school and strict.

I should of spoke to her more about this. I'm also wondering if it was planned, as she was on the pill last time I checked.

[Cakedoesntjudge]

I was 19 so not quite the same but it was still very unexpected when I found out I was pregnant with DS. At the time my mum handled it very well and my dad was good about trying to appear happy for me but I could really tell he was gutted.

Both parents have since admitted they were both devastated because they thought I'd never get my degree and give up on everything I wanted to do.

DS is now 6, both sets of my parents (they're both divorced and remarried) love him to pieces and I am one year away from finishing my degree. I don't regret having DS at all and, as I don't plan on having any more children, I actually see the silver linings to having him young. Once I've finished my degree and complete the subsequent qualifications I need before I can practise DS will be a bit older and I won't need to worry about taking time out for mat leave or worry about any jobs being as flexible around childcare.

Your daughters situation might mean that she doesn't take quite the path she wanted to follow but it definitely doesn't mean she has to give up on it altogether Becoming a mum has brought out a lot of aspects to my personality that I really value, I'm much more assertive and better at dealing with pressurised situations and juggling responsibilities - growing up at a younger age isn't always such a bad thing.

I know it's not what you wanted for your daughter but please believe me when I say it doesn't always turn out as badly as you're imagining

[tighterthanscrooge]

OP a girl in my class at school got pregnant at 15 and had baby at 16.
She was pretty much straight back to school after baby was born. Did A levels, went through uni and is now a qualified teacher!
She is not still with the child's father but he is still involved in the child's life.
It wasn't easy for either of them but it can be done with massive levels of support from friends and family

[Wallywobbles]

We've talked about the what ifs for this.

I would ask to see them both (and his parents possibly) and ask how they are going to make this work especially financially and in terms of school/work.

Are they planning on living together? Where?

Have they done a budget? Have they talked about the practicalities?

How much are you and his parents prepared to step up? How much are you expecting them to do?

Presumably you are not near retirement so what you can do to help is somewhat limited.

Our view on this (for us theoretical situation) is we are happy to be GPs but not parents to and DGCs.

Presumably the father might need to put his plans on hold for a while to support his new family.

[BeingMePls]

It's not the end of the world - I promise. I was a teenage mum and am still with my Bf now DH. We went on to have another one. My daughter, now 20 is second year at uni and am A grade/2:1 student.

I'm in a job, top of my career. I won't lie it has been hard but there is a sense of determination and lack of fear that you have when young that pushes you through.

I had much more anxiety when I had our second child 10 years later. We wouldn't have been able to do it without my mum, so pls be there for your daughter and teach her how to love her child unconditionally. My only real regret was that I wasn't able to spend as much time with my daughter because I was at uni then building a career. xx

[misshelena]

Heartley, so sorry you are going through this. I don't really have advice to offer, just sympathy. I too have a 16yo dd in a stable relationship for 8 months. I know I would be crushed if she were to get pregnant. I suppose there is nothing to do except to try to help her as much as you can so that she can salvage as much of her original plan as possible... Oh, and bf needs to tell his parents asap whether he likes it or not! After that, you should have a talk with them too. It's as much their responsibility as it is yours.

[OonaLoona2]

I had my oldest child when I was a teen. My parents were amazing and fully supported me.
It is fine for you to feel worried for the future but don't assume your dd has ruined her life.
I went to uni and have an amazing career in the field I always hoped I would.
Your daughter will have to try harder than she would have to achieve what she wants but she can and will be able to, especially with your support.
I know this is not what you wanted for your daughter, but all is not lost. Help her to be strong and determined and proud. for you both

[bevelino]

Hartley your dd will need to grow up and take responsibility, but will be fine with your support. You sound like a wonderful person.

[DooWhop]

My dd also was pregnant at 16, but she wanted to terminate. Morning after pill failed and she was devastated after a heated night went further than she anticipated.
It was incredibly traumatic and despite me supporting her through every step, it broken our relationship for years. She was traumatised and somehow it was my fault.
I'd definitely want to hear of their concrete plans to take care of this baby. Is the father as keen?

[Introvertedbuthappy]

I would definitely want to hear a plan - are they fully prepared for the reality of a baby or is it all excitement of having a 'cute little bundle of joy around in a pram'. As pps have said I would want to know where they planned on living, what they would do financially and how they see their careers mapping out whilst having a young baby. I would be very worried if they couldn't answer, but would support them emotionally as best as I could to find out these answers and putting a plan into place.
Others have said you will have to support your daughter in other ways too; frankly I don't agree with this - they need to take responsibility for their own choices. Certainly don't offer anything out of obligation but of course if you want to. I just know personally I would be very unimpressed if a child of mine said they were having a baby and then expected me to provide childcare/a home for them too. I would be happy to be an involved grandparent in terms of taking them on day trips etc, but not taking on a childcare role.
for you. Must have been a massive shock.

[Willow15503]

I became pregnant at 16 with my first child. She is now 18 and at university. I married her father 14 years later and have recently completed a degree and now own my own business. I don't regret it at all, I just had my children first and my career second! It wasn't easy to be a young parent, i moved out of my parents home into a housing association house at 16, lived on benefits and had little support from family but I believe that gave me the determination to make a better life for myself and my children. If she recieves the support she needs there is no reason she can't have a bright and happy future.

[Mjoanneelizabeth]

It might be hard to find out your daughters pregnant but nobody should judge on the age it's the capability of the person, she maybe a better parent than some 25 year old. Right now she will need you as other people may not be accepting towards her being a young parent such as people from school. All you can do now is be the best mum and soon grandma you can be :)

[CoconutGal]

Had DD at 16. Now I'm 26yrs old & about to become a nurse. It was tough of course but having a big support network helped tremendously.