13yo DD relationship with dad / XH

[ElleEmJay]

My 13yo DD has anxiety attacks, not yet with CAMHS or diagnosed but can be pretty bad. The XH says it's just attention seeking behaviour and she needs to snap out of it/ pull herself together / consider other people. He can be quite aggressive. Last year I put a stop to her sleeping over at his house because she would be calling me in the night upset and crying. Now he's booked a weekend away with her, my 16yo dd and his wife, to go camping. My 13yo is continually coming to me in tears saying she doesn't want to go. I know the XH will be angry and upset if she doesn't go. Should I fight the battle with him or make her go? If this kicks off I feel strongly he will take it personally as if we are all 'ganging up' on him, and I've poisoned them against him. It might permanently damage their relationship. I've explained this to dd and she said she's not bothered. The holiday is booked and paid for. Also, he pays maintenance at the moment which he would not hesitate to stop, putting us in a very difficult situation.
Any advice would be very welcome.
Thank you.

[acatcalledjohn]

Didn't want to read and run. Have a read of this thread.

He cannot stop maintenance because he doesn't accept that his daughter's anxiety is real. He can deal with the CSA if he stops payments.

Don't make her go. It's up to her, and at 13 she's old enough to decide this.

to your DD.

[ElleEmJay]

Thanks for the link.. I'm quite upset but it does need pointing out. My XH sounds exactly like the one in this thread, I know this is what he is going to say. When I stopped them sleeping over last year he went nuclear, swearing at them on texts etc, then apologizing 2 days later. Urgh, not looking forward to this Congo.

Re the maintenance, CSA can't touch him cos he's self-employed and runs the business in the red for precisely this reason - thereby its all voluntary and controlling. Not sure we can manage without it but know its not worth my daughter's happiness 😔

[ElleEmJay]

• Congo = convo

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Texting them abusive messages? Instant dealbreaker.

You're doing the right thing by your DD Elle

[acatcalledjohn]

I'm sorry I linked that thread without warning. I didn't intend to upset you, just to make you aware/show you the reality of an extreme response to being forced in to something you cannot mentally deal with. You still have every chance to avoid an extreme reaction.

I'd also suggest you take your DD to the GP with regards to the anxiety. She needs a diagnosis and also help in managing it.

Your ex sounds like a controlling arse. If he stops paying maintenance then he loses his children. His choice. If it makes your DDs happy then that is worth a million times more than any money he may pay towards them.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this twunt. He sounds like a poor excuse for a father. You're well rid of him. And your DDs probably would be too.

[ElleEmJay]

No, its fine. Its good to get another perspective on it. I guess that I did think it is a form of attention seeking especially as that's what he keeps saying and I guess I expected her to grow out of it.
Now is the time to take it more seriously. I don't want her to start taking more extreme measures to get herself heard.
I'm going to talk to him today face to face, and will make a docs app tomorrow.
Thanks for the support Cat, wish me luck! 😐