Everybody else's parents are better- need reassurance

[Fleurdelise]

Big argument last night with DS (15 next month and in yr 10 at school) about bed time.

Rule: phone downstairs to charge overnight at 10,30pm and lights off as soon as possible after that. This becomes close to 11pm as of course he takes his time to use the toilet, brush teeth, grab some food from the fridge last minute, you get the picture.

Well apparently no 15 year olds have a bedtime anymore, they are left to their own devices, they go to sleep whenever and are trusted by their parents to regulate their sleep pattern. I am completely unreasonable by expecting him to follow above rule and I should trust him and respect him as an adult.

I feel crap today as of course other parents that are so cool have been mentioned (by name, so and so's mum will not do that to Jonny) and I am wondering if I am too strict.

Please help me see the light, do your similar age DCs have a bedtime or can they regulate their own sleep patterns and still function normally?

[frenchfancy]

15 yr Dd. Bedtime is 10pm on a school night. Alarm goes off at 6:30am so any later than 10 and she is shattered.

[BlueCowWonders]

15 yr old DD (and 13 yr old too).
Phones always downstairs overnight. No exceptions.
But bedtime a bit more flexible.

[aginghippy]

In teenager language everybody = 1 or 2 friends.

YANBU it doesn't matter what Jonny's mum does. Some teens are fine about regulating their sleep patterns, others not so much.

[PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass]

No bedtimes when mine were that age. No taking phones away etc. but everyone is different and personally I feel self regulation at that age is an important step towards adulthood. I'm not lax in my parenting, I didn't feel I needed to control my DCs and treated them with respect as people not just my children. We've never had an argument about anything and they are 17, almost 20 and 22. Everyone's rules and expectations are different though so you must do what works for you.

[SecretMcSquirrels]

I never thought they were capable of self regulation and was always strict on bedtimes.
I ceased bedtimes when they were around 13 /14 and it was the end of by far the greatest source of conflict in the house.
There was an agreement though, that they would be sensible on school nights and get up without my input. At weekends and school holidays there was no limit and I would not complain if they chose to stay up until 3am.

[Fleurdelise]

Thank you for your answers, just to reiterate that he doesn't have have a bedtime during the weekend/holidays, it is just school nights that I insist on a normal bedtime as I don't trust him to actually go to bed at a normal time.

Also he has been late for school (5-10 min) quite a few times this year when I woke him up, left for work and he has fallen back asleep. I told him that if I would have seen him not tired and responsible, not being late for school, then the discussion would have been different.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

There was a very long thread similar to this recently - might have been in AIBU - with a title "I'm 15 year olds for god sake ....", something like that anyway.

Very mixed responses on there, loads of 15 year olds with no set bedtime, loads with.

I have two 15 year olds and I try to get them heading towards bed at 10ish without gadgets on a school night. One of them would spend all night on her phone if she took it to bed with her.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Painted - you've never had a row with any of your children?! wow!

[PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass]

bigsandy no never. We talk a lot about everything, if I've ever said no to something it would have been discussed at great length. Our home is our haven.

[Fleurdelise]

I found the other thread, thank you bigsandy!

[AlexandraLeigh]

My two girls, 14 and 16 tend to be quite good at making their own choice.

Though once it starts getting late: 11-ish I will suggest they get up to bed at least on a school night. I do feel that, at this age they start learning when they need to sleep.

There aren't any rules on phones (there used to be but they were quite good anyway) as I know they sometimes wake up and need something to do through the night.

One of my girls does suffer from insomnia so having a rule for her wouldn't be much use. However, it is totally valid and righteous for you to set a bed time if that's what you feel works :)

[CPtart]

DS1 is 13.5. On school nights phones off at 10pm and to bed. If he can't sleep he can read but left to 'self regulate' he would be on the Xbox till midnight.

[hellsbells99]

DD2 used to take herself to bed by 9.30 on a school night at that age, she used to be shattered. Unfortunately at 18, she goes a lot later now!
Some rules are good when they are needed.

[Forevertiredzzzzzz]

Think it differs if DD was left to her own devices she'd be on her phone till 3 then sleep through 6.30 alarm and we would argue about getting up! Just ignore the other parents I get it thrown at me daily "X's mum buys her vodka" "Ys mum lets her boyfriend sleepover" blah blah I just say - I don't care I'm not X's mum I'm yours sorry!

[Fleurdelise]

Thank you all! I think I will just make him aware of what needs to happen before I change the rule, I am not willing to let go completely in his GCSEs year. He needs to prove he is responsible first like no school lateness for the remaining 4 weeks, showing that he can and does go to sleep at a reasonable time during the summer holidays at least from time to time and not become a nocturnal creature for the entire 6 weeks. From September we can have a trial period.

Oh and I did suggest that I am happy to not have a bedtime as long as technology (phone and laptop) come downstairs at 10,30 pm and the wifi is turned off so he can read for example. However that is still not good enough, he wants his phone/laptop in his room. I wonder why?

[FernieB]

Just remember that if "everyone else's parents are better" - that means his friends probably think you're better than their own parents

All teens are different and need differing levels of supervision. You know your teen, so carry on doing what's right for him.

[specialsubject]

Everyone else's parents - so what? He's probably lying anyway.

Gadgets downstairs and off at bedtime. Go read a book if you can't sleep. Swapping texts or worse until three am stuffs up education .

[pasanda]

OP- you have posted on some of my previous posts and our ds's sound so very similar!

My ds was 15 last month. I take his phone off him at 10.30pm, although with the lighter evenings this seems to be slipping back to nearer 11pm and I am knackered! I definitely can't trust him to have it in his room on a school night! I don't take it off him on Fri/Sat or during the holidays.

I am not going to change this in Year 11. If I suggested he read after 10.30pm he would literally laugh in my face So I will just continue to take it off him.

Good luck with your trial period in September, you are braver than me!!