My daughter is too clingy with friends

[Mummy197400]

Please help! I've been up most of the night worrying. My daughter has a friend who she is totally smothering. She is constantly seeking reassurance from this friend that they "are still besties ", questions her if she spends time with other friends and basically making this girls life a misery. Obviously this girl has now turned round and said enough is enough and my daughter is devastated. I had no idea had bad it had got till I over heard my daughter begging with her to be her friend. I'm very worried, she's only 12 and I'm scared that her clingy behaviour will hamper any new friendships/relationships in the future. She's very shy and insecure.. Is there any help she/us can seek or any advice any one can give us please?

[ShinyShinyShiny]

Oh dear, that does sound tough and I can see why you're worried.

What was her behaviour like when she was younger? Has this become more of an issue since she moved to secondary school?

[Mummy197400]

She has always lacked confidence with friends ever since pre school she would have just one special friend at a time. But since she's gone to secondary she's got in with a lovely group of 6 girls and I thought she's changed but then she started leaning very heavily on one girl. We've talked for hours about the subject but she doesn't seem to change

[lljkk]

It's not unusual (DD is 14).
Can she say why she is so besotted with the one main friend? How does the besotted friend take it?

[Mummy197400]

I think she lacks confidence and she clings to her for security. She panics when her friend spends time with others as she frightened of being on her own (even though she has other friends in her group)

[corythatwas]

My db used to be a bit like this; he grew out of it. In the meantime, you might need to do a bit of damage limitation. Gently explain to her that not letting her friend have other friends is controlling and that it could do harm to her friend. Don't try to frighten her with "you'll grow up without friends", try to appeal to her sense of decency and make her feel mature about it.

Encourage her to enrol in some kind of activity her friend does not attend and see if she can make new friends outside her group to help her realise that we need different people in different ways. Drama group is often a good place to start; they tend to be very open and inclusive.

Tell her that she has to deal with her anxious thoughts herself and that there are techniques out there which will help her to do exactly that. Google CBT and relaxation techniques. Tell her that whenever the panicky feeling comes over her she is to take 5 minutes to work on the technique.