..then they need to find somewhere else to live..(6 Posts)
I'm not getting at anyone here I promise, but I frequently read advice along the lines of 'if your DC doesn't xyz then it's time they found somewhere else to live.' It's sometimes expressed more forcefully 'my house, my rules and if they don't like it they can go and live somewhere else.' I kind of agree with this and I can certainly see a time when I will want to say this to my DCs but in reality, how do you make them? If they are out of work or in low paid work or education where do they go? If you actually kick them out after 18 is there any help out there? After all, we're not talking about well adjusted, high achieving youngsters; nobody needs them to leave home. We're talking about the ones who are already struggling to function. Does anyone house homeless under 25s and if so, do they just end up in hostels or B&Bs where they may well meet people who could have an even worse influence on them? This is a genuine question. I would happily boot my DCs out if I thought they would get jobs, rent flats and be happy, but if they could do that then they wouldn't be driving me up the wall to the point where I want them to leave.
Actually mine aren't too bad at the minute but they have been and I want to be prepared if things get worse again! Has anyone actually given the ultimatum and then seen it through?
Clare - yes, I'm with you on this one. I know that if I got to the point where I told DD to leave, (which has happened!) she would deliberately go and put herself in risky and dangerous situations just to worry me.
I think many people have relatives who could provide a backup if necessary, (ex partner, grandparents, etc) but we have none of that. She would literally be on the streets, no money, nowhere to stay .
I also agree, it's a difficult one as like you say they're already demonstrating in many ways that they're not coping with the world around them but at the same time if the behaviour is having a significant impact on the family there's no other option. If you're lucky to have extended family support then that would be an option but I think housing options for 16+ mainly tends to be homeless units in the UK anyway.
I have a sometimes very difficult 19yr old, I did have to read her the riot act a year ago using the threat of being thrown out to get her to behave in a civilised manner (it worked alongside some other changes that happened at the time). However, the only friends that she has that live independently are two who were made homeless as younger teens due to parental mental health difficulties who were placed in young persons hostels, one of which now has his own (very tiny) flat and is flourishing, the other not doing so well but just about gets by, and there's one friend who got social housing when she had a baby at 18.
There are a few now at university but unles they land brilliant jobs straight out of college then they will most likely return home for a while.
I honestly don't know any who simply upped and left home on turning 18 like me and my friends did 30yrs ago, we had housing benefit to fall back on and fewer landlord restrictions back then, it was easy to find a room in a shared house. Nowadays most landlords round here won't even consider tenants under the age of 21.
I think if it came to that with mine I'd help them out, make sure they found a job, had a place to stay etc. Prob defeats the object of saying 'out you get!' but I do know parents who've helped them get a flat sorted etc.
It's one of those scenarios where it's easier said than done, I think.
Mine are quite good at finding jobs - not so good at keeping them . And therein lies the problem...
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