Son, daughter and sons gf at war

(12 Posts)
ParochialE9 Thu 07-Jan-16 13:41:14

Ds2 is 19. Over the past year he was seeing a girl aged 17 in same year as Dd. Throughout relationship she was very needy and manipulative and treated Ds2 badly, constantly calling him in middle of night demanding he pick her up from somewhere or come and see her immediately. She also cheated on him and generally made him unhappy but he stayed with her. In summer Dd was at same party as gf and saw that gf was getting with other boy. She told Ds2 who said another friend had already told him but as it was middle of gfs gcses he wasn't going to do anything about it. Gf found our dd had caught her out and then started massive hate campaign against Dd, basically making her whole summer a misery. Ds still stayed with gf causing many family arguments. We were relieved when they finally broke up and ds went to uni in October. Unfortunately things didn't work out and he's dropped out and is now back home - within two weeks he was seeing gf again! We're now in an intolerable situation, dd won't speak to ds and I can see her point - even I feels betrayed that ds would go back to someone who has caused so much trouble in our family. I've asked him not to bring her to our house but the tension is awful whenever he comes home having seen her. Ds has today admitted that gf is 'a bit psycho' and when he's asked her why she did what she did to dd she can't come up with anything! He says despite this he loves her and that we should be thinking how all this makes him feel! What should I do? Do I invite her back round even though this will upset dd and cause ww3 or ban her and upset ds? I'm erring on side of dd, it's so hard. Gf continues to taunt dd at every opportunity, sending messages about how much ds loves her etc

LemonBreeland Thu 07-Jan-16 13:44:16

I wouldn't invite her around. I would just be hoping that your DS comes to his senses soon.

Socialaddict Thu 07-Jan-16 15:45:37

I would not invite her around at all. I would completely ignore anything to do with her and tell DS that the family does not approve of her and she is not welcome in the house. When she comes up in a conversation, I would ignore it and move on. Hopefully this will make him change his mind about her and leave her. I might be wrong, but I think this is how I would act if I were you. I would most definitely not inconvenience my dd's life further than it has already been done by this gf.

ParochialE9 Thu 07-Jan-16 19:03:23

Thanks I'll carry on with banning her from the house - what I'd really like to do is tell him to go away too, can't believe he is being this disloyal to his sister!

TrinityForce Thu 07-Jan-16 19:05:57

No way.

What an awful situation, I'd keep her banned from the house - poor DD.

DadKeepsCalm1 Thu 07-Jan-16 19:09:29

Don't ban or invite be neutral. However I think that your dd is definitely not in the wrong. Surely she can still speak to her brother, he must know that she's been crap to him and dd has looked out for him.

Gazelda Thu 07-Jan-16 19:11:20

I would tell DS his GF is not welcome in your home, and the reasons why. I'd also tell him that while she continues to harass your DD, the chances of you changing your mind remain zero.

AuntieStella Thu 07-Jan-16 19:11:57

I'd keep the two strands as separate as possible. And be as breezy as possibly (you'll need to fake this bit).

Yes, you are going to be OK with your DS going out with the appalling girl of his choice. You can encourage him tot talk about her etc and generally be no barrier. (Vague hope here is that he'll tire of her, and by your family behaving well, her bad side will look worse in comparison).

You say nothing to him about disloyalty to his sister.

But you do stand absolutely firm on the other strand, which is that this is DD's home and there is no way you will tolerate visitors who distress her.

Heyho111 Thu 07-Jan-16 22:36:17

Totally agree with Stella. You have the issue - the more against the relationship you are the more attractive you make your sons relationship to him.
Don't let her over but be very vague about him seeing her. Don't ask him about his dates with her, don't chat about anything to do with her. When he comes in from seeing her don't acknowledge anything. Just continue as if he's not been anywhere. Ask your D to do this as well.
I'd gf is messaging your D get her to block her from her phone and soc media.

Socialaddict Fri 08-Jan-16 10:52:06

I completely agree with Heyho111 that would be my course of action too. I would also tell DS that gf is not welcome to our home and explain the reasons why.

SuperCee7 Sat 09-Jan-16 16:47:27

Don't let her in the house. It is your DD's home and her comfort and security in this case comes before your DS's. He can spend time with his GF anywhere. Your DD only has one home. I second PP, just don't acknowledge her existence.

lustysandra Sun 10-Jan-16 02:04:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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