Sick of being piggy in the middle

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

And trying to keep the peace between dd and dh. She's been a right pain this year, what with one thing and another but I am sick of trying to deal with things on my own. Dh does not exactly ignore her but just keeps out of her way and does not get involved. In that way he won't end up arguing he says. So its me trying to keep up the lines of communication with her, giving her all the lifts, making sure everything is OK. I also find myself relaying positive stuff about her to him quite often to try and make him like her more. He is not impressed by it though.

Its such a strain. They are both stubborn and fiesty so neither of them will back down whereas I am soft and give in.

I don't know what to do.

[Peebles1]

Oh my goodness Hedgehog I was literally just thinking of starting a thread saying the exact same thing! Logged in and lo - you'd written my thoughts! DH doesn't even seem to like her. He's been of the 'hard line' approach through the whole of my DCs childhoods. They're all older now and while he has a good relationship with our two DSs, he has a very difficult one with DD (17). I get so sick of calming him down behind the scenes. I think we have a good marriage (25 years) but this has been the biggest single strain. He's not an unreasonable man, he usually comes round and calms down but it's so hard in the meantime. One example: she got her nose pierced, he didn't speak to her for a week! I'm sending big empathy hugs out to you - you are not alone!!!

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

Thanks Peebles. Same here. Dd is 16. I don't think dh likes her either and she does not like him as well so its a lovely atmosphere at home. I tell him that he's the adult and should make allowances for her as she's really only a confused kid and doesn't realise that she is being hurtful and selfish but he is having none of it. He doesn't explode or anything but withdraws and keeps out of things. She said some awful things in the heat of a row earlier this year and he cannot forget this. I think she really hurt his feelings.

Its so stressful and I wish he would just grow up. They are more alike than either of them will admit.

[Peebles1]

Yep, same problem here - too alike. He lights up when they're getting on well (rarely) - he obviously loves her to bits - but he's so constantly disappointed in her and, as you say, finds it hard to make allowances and see her point of view. Don't get me wrong, she's been a bit of a nightmare for the past few years, but she's a good kid at heart and confused like your DD. DH's attitude doesn't help. It's very tiring sometimes. They've had some big head to heads in the past, but it tends to be him who says hurtful things. Like you say, who's the child here?! He withdraws rather than row now, like your DH. What sort of things does your DD do that your DH objects to?

[HildaFlorence]

Here too except we have 3 dses and he's the same with all of them , less bad with ds2 , so black and white , won't pick his battles etc .Really empathise with the trying to point out their positives , I do this all the time

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

Well she did the piercing thing as well and she is very selfish but she really does not think there is anything wrong with her behaviour. She is lazy and does nothing around the house, but neither did ds and he's no problem. And the back chat and disrespectful comments etc. And we had an episode with a older boyfriend over the summer which I won't go into!

Its I am 16. You can't tell me what to do! She knows everything and we know nothing! And she is so untidy, unmotivated, lazy etc etc and he just does not get it. It did drive me nuts but now i realise its not the end of the world. I just want us all to get on and be happy.

[Peebles1]

Yes I've done such a lot of re-adjusting what I think to: 'it's not the end of the world'! It's not exactly what you want, but it could be a lot worse. We've had no work for GCSEs, sex with BF at just 15 (it lasted 2 1/2 years though), piercings (tongue, nose), and now seeing a BF with a criminal record (minor stuff) and doing very little work for A-levels. So I can understand why DH has a hard time with it all. She also has panic attacks (missed three months of school in year 11) and anxiety disorder, so needs careful handling. It's really hard when things are so tense at home and you're stuck in the middle. I hope things improve for you soon.

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

Yes we've had no work for GCSE's and little work going on for AS levels currently. Dd is late for everything. Its infuriating and this is why the latest row with dh happened yesterday. She was late and needed a lift NOW! Unfortunately i was out at the time or i would have sorted it. So off we go again with them avoiding each other and of course neither of them is in the wrong.

I am so looking forward to the Christmas holidays - Not!

[Peebles1]

Have you ever tried going away for a night or two? I've been away on occasion for work or to visit my parents - not for long and not often. They actually seemed to get on better on these occasions. Forced to really, and DD was probably only being pleasant because she needed lifts or a favour, but it did improve things for a bit. Never lasted too long mind!! Would also give you a break.

[Tiffanylampshade]

Just jumping on here as I am piggy in the middle too. Sick of trying to keep the peace. Just started another thread but I am devastated its all gone pear shaped again. I'm dealing with two stubborn kids (dd and dh) and I can't do it any longer

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

I dread to think what I'd come back to if I went away! I was out for a few hours a while back and there was a row over lifts in that short time. Dd would probably pack her bags and leave.

[BabyGanoush]

But you all find fault with the H, not the DC

All these rows about lifts etc, I'd bloody refuse if I was treated with lack of respect by DC! Not a bad lesson for them to learn?

[Tartyflette]

OP, perhaps you have to let her fail for a bit, eg if she's late and is demanding a lift right now and you can't or won't help a few times she might realise it's up to her to get her act together a bit more. At the moment, she doesn't have to do any such thing.

I have in the past MADE my DS wait until it was convenient for me to take him wherever it was so important that he had to get to.

Nowadays he has a horror of being late and is very well organised. Mind you, he's no longer a teenager.