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Voices of reason needed please.

(23 Posts)
summer68 Tue 04-Aug-15 10:13:23

Yesterday my 19 year old dd had a major tantrum over the fact that i had not ironed her work clothes. She arrived home late last night ( it was her day off) and indignantly asked if there was a reason I had not ironed her clothes for work, when I explained that I was not her maid, she threw an almighty tantrum, calling me fxxxing lazy bitch. Then she said ( and these words hurt me the most) that I am a waste of space of a mother.
What she said has no reflection of the truth, I am in fact very extremely house proud. However I have noticed recently that my daughter has been treating me with contempt, she even suggested I find a summer job ( I have six weeks off as I work in school) . A few weeks ago I suggested that she starts to pay rent and she reacted with saying I could have £50:00 a month as I don't do anything for her. I'm not sure how she thinks the food arrives in the house, the house gets cleaned and her clothes are washed and ( usually ironed! As she doesn't do any of those things) she does often cook her own food as I'm never sure when she will be home. She now earns the same as me. She is off on her second holiday this year soon, where as I can't even afford one holiday.

I feel like that I need to grow a back bone and be more firm, but that just ends badly. My dh has recently been told that he is going to be made redundant, he has been the main bread earner so we do have that stress at the moment , however my wages can cover all the bills, but I think at 19 my dd should help financially, but my dh is struggling to agree as he feels like he's failed some how to ask her to contribute. So if I'm going to get tough I'm not going to get support from him- so I've come back, once again to mn for support please. Really I know what I should do but as its not going to be well received, I just need to know I'm on the right tracks and not being too harsh or too soft, as I'm going to be doing this on my own . Any suggestion are welcome.

honeysucklejasmine Tue 04-Aug-15 10:17:08

Find out the local going rate for room plus bills in a shared house. Offer her a small discount (if you want) to stay at yours, or else it's time she moved.

She's 19, rude and ungrateful. You don't need to put up with it.

Seeline Tue 04-Aug-15 10:37:36

Firstly I would stop doing anything for her - no washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking.
Then you need to work out how much you think is fair to charge (and you definitely should be asking something - even if it's just to cover her share of food, electricity, water etc). I assume she is working full time.
If she won't contribute, or continues to be ruse and ungrateful, tell her she can find somewhere else to live, where she will have to pay the going rate.

pinkbraces Tue 04-Aug-15 10:44:58

Your daughter is this way because you have enabled her to be so. Just stop now.

I am so angry for you, how dare a able bodied 19 yr old expect her parents to continue to treat her as a child, please just stop.

FanOfHermione Tue 04-Aug-15 10:46:42

Hmm it looks like you are expecting less from her than I do from my dcs who are 10 and 11yo....

So on the front of 'you need to help around the house and do some ironing/washing/cleaning etc in the house', I think that is only fair. Regardless of whether she is working or not, she should be contributing to keep the house nice.

What is her plan atm? Is she working with the idea to go to college/Uni in September or has she started to work full time with no further studies?
If the later, I would very clearly tell her that if she is unhappy at home, she can look for an accomodation for herself. Let her look at prices and experience the cost of living for herself (you telling her is likely to mkake little difference).
If she is going back to Uni/college, is she going to be in her accomodation or staying at home? Again, I think this is time for her to grow up and start looking after herself. The minimum would be to look after her clothes and her room (cleaning etc...).
Asking her for a rent, I would be more unconfortable BUT if your DH is going to be made redundant, then maybe a sitdown with her goimg through youor own budget and showing her how much it costs to feed her, water etc... wouldn't go amiss. Along with asking her to pay for some of it. It's not failing her or as a parent. It's teaching her that food and a roof over your head has a price.

WhoNickedMyName Tue 04-Aug-15 10:56:11

I would go out right now, buy the local papers, highlight all the rooms to rent. Then I'd ask her to join me at the dining table as we need to talk.

I would tell her very coldly and calmly, that as she's clearly so unhappy living at home she has 4 weeks to find somewhere and move out. I'd tell her that if she has a change of heart at any point in the next 4 weeks, she can come to me and we can have a discussion about rent, responsibilities around the house and the standard of general behaviour expected.

I would refuse to get into any kind of back and forth discussion or argument at that point, end the conversation and let her stew. I would be icy cold during the whole exchange.

Misslgl88 Tue 04-Aug-15 11:12:25

I agree with previous posters, if my DD spoke to me like that Id show her where the door was.

I'm very surprised that at 19 she's expecting you to iron her uniform! My mum would have laughed in my face! I also agree that if she is working full time she should be paying you some keep. I paid £120 per month from my full time wage but I also helped with housework and cooking

happymummyone Tue 04-Aug-15 11:14:16

I can't believe she called you a lazy bitch! Stop doing anything for her, she is old enough to look after herself, and charge her the going rate for rent. If she doesn't like it, she can use her wages to find somewhere else to live. Then she'll understand the value of the care she's been getting from you. I couldn't imagine treating my mother like that. I'd have gotten a slap!

Duckdeamon Tue 04-Aug-15 12:10:51

She should shape up or ship out! Don't put up with this OP.

Preciousbane Tue 04-Aug-15 12:16:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summer68 Tue 04-Aug-15 12:58:49

Thank you so much for your messages, i knew I could rely on mn ers for support. Thanks pinkbraces- yes I have got myself into this situation.
Thanks for the hug and tea preciousbane- I need that!
I thought this morning that I wouldn't wash her clothes today along with ours, but it seems a bit petty ??
I certainly will not iron any more of her clothes.
She is hopping to go to uni in September ( living here) and I only suggested she pay if she is not going - she hasn't decided yet. But if she is not going I feel she should pay £ 100 a month as she is in full time work.
It was her utter contempt for me that shocked and upset me- like many of you said I would not have spoken to my mother like that - my dad would have told me to leave! I mean, and here comes a rant, not only do I do all the domestic duties in the house, constantly cleaning up after everyone, but far from appreciating it she thinks I'm lazy ! I've tried ,previously, talking to her about living costs, but she rolled her eyes and said I'm not stupid I know things cost money- she just doesn't want to help. Like when I asked her to empty the dishwasher and she replied I don't have time - then sat and watched TV - she thinks I should do it because I'm " mum" . But like pinkbraces said, I let her do this .
Shame there's no mums Union - but if I go on strike it will only be me who notices the mess!
Time for me to grow a backbone- it really does help to know you are behind me .
I don't feel like talking to her at the moment, so I will wait until I'm ready.
Alternatively maybe I'll look for a flat for myself lol!

FanOfHermione Tue 04-Aug-15 15:39:39

Oh no, if you go on strike, I can promise she WILL notice the difference. Maybe not the mess but she will notice the no clothes cleaned or ironed. She will noticed the no food in the fridge.

As she will probably (?) go to Uni in September, then I think a talk is needed. You can't have her living with you for another 2 or 3 years and use as a maid like this.
Staying in the house = helping around in the house.
I would bring your DH in for both of you to lay the law and for both of you to be enforcing it.
The first law is to be polite to all members of the household. No foul language allowed.
The second to say thank you when people do things for you, ie washing or ironing!

summer68 Wed 05-Aug-15 09:19:24

Thanks fanofhermione, good sound advice. I like the rule of thanking people when they do things for you- simple but important.

pinkbraces Wed 05-Aug-15 09:28:39

I think I was quite harsh in my post, I have a lovely friend who is being treated so badly by her DS that I said to you what I should say to her. flowers

Dont think about it as striking, sit her down and tell her she is an adult, she has choices - she can continue to live at home and contribute to the smooth running of the house or she can leave.

Stop making meals, doing her washing (its not petty, she has to grow up) and stop doing all the nice things which make her life so comfortable.

I think she would benefit from a very harsh regime for a few weeks which would hopefully be enough to turn the situation round. Good luck.

frenchfancy Wed 05-Aug-15 09:40:23

You need to get your DH on your side. Earning the same as you and not contributing in unacceptable. 2 holidays when you can't afford one is not acceptable.

Not washing her clothes is not petty. They are her clothes. My 14year old does her own laundry and empties the dishwasher. You are her mum not her servant and it is high time she learned the difference.

summer68 Wed 05-Aug-15 10:16:25

I didn't think you were being harsh, pinkbraces - it was more of a grabbing me by my shoulders and giving me a shake! I know that the problem has been created by me. We've had major problems with her younger brother ( don't I sound like a great parent!), thing have settled with him but she has seen him treat us both badly ( I'm not making excuses BTW) .
The main problem I have is that she is now so spoilt that she thinks I owe her. So when I talk to her about helping and being polite, it will not be well received - I'm just building myself up to it, getting you lovely mn ers to help boost me and feel confident that I'm not being unfair/ unkind.
I appreciate your straight talking pinkbraces!
Not sure I can rely on DH as he usually thinks I'm too harsh, he's a lovely kind man, and prefures to be the children's friend - so I'm the bad guy!
I have already washed her clothes, but I will not iron them, in fact I will not iron any of her clothes from now on!

LBDD Wed 05-Aug-15 10:33:50

At 19 she is an adult. You need to remember that not only does she have the choice to step up and become a team member of the household but that you also have the choice of allowing her to stay or asking her to leave. When I turned 18 and had a job my parents told me they had done their bit and raised me, now it was my turn to make my own way I the world. Harsh by today's standards but it taught me a lot and as I struggled I the first couple of years, I grew a healthy respect for how easy is had it at home.
My own DC won't have quite the same talk at 18, thankfully we don't have the same relationship. But, they will be expected to contribute in every sense if they live here.

Minifingers Thu 06-Aug-15 07:38:09

Summer - do you ever feel when you are discussing rights and responsibilities with your dd that you are in some sort of parallel universe where the normal rules of human civilisation about rights and responsibilities simply don't apply or are turned inside out and back to front like a looking glass world? I feel like this with mine.

On planet teenager they are the queen/king and everyone exists only to service their needs. They have this weird blindness to social reality and when we live with them we sometimes get suckered into their distorted world view. I keep wanting to shout at my dd 'that isn't how the world works! wake up!'

One way of asserting normality is to get a third party to sit in on discussions and negotiations about rights and obligations in the home. Not partners or other DC's who may also be hostages on planet teenager, but a separate adult, who can act as a sort of 'anchor' keeping you all in the real world. Have you got any relative or family friend who could take on this role?

VegasIsBest Thu 06-Aug-15 07:44:39

I agree with the poster who said that at 19 she is really an adult. Can you sit down with her and have an adult conversation? Explain your worries about your husband losing his job and ask for her ideas about how you pull together as a family to get through this?

Timetogetup0630 Thu 06-Aug-15 11:33:15

If she is going to Uni I would make every effort to get her to move out and into university accommodation, regardless of the cost. University teaches a variety of life skills including independent living. She sounds very Immature and ungrateful and would benefit from learning how to look after herself in the supportive environment that university offers.

And in the interim sit down with her for a talk about how she has made you feel and how she should be behaving at nineteen.

summer68 Thu 06-Aug-15 11:57:34

Thanks, I think it's a good idea for me to sit down and explain how she made me feel. i will also ask her to thank people who do things for her and to do things for others in the house. thanks for the support with this!

NoWeepingBicycleMonkeys Thu 06-Aug-15 12:01:22

I would tell her very coldly and calmly, that as she's clearly so unhappy living at home she has 4 weeks to find somewhere and move out. I'd tell her that if she has a change of heart at any point in the next 4 weeks, she can come to me and we can have a discussion about rent, responsibilities around the house and the standard of general behaviour expected.

I would refuse to get into any kind of back and forth discussion or argument at that point, end the conversation and let her stew. I would be icy cold during the whole exchange.

^This in a nutshell. She either shapes up or ships out. At a minimum she needs to cover ALL her costs and take on a fair bit of the household duties.

Ignore any tantrums, she will expect you to cave in and continue to treat her like a princess.

You must be prepared to follow through, she either does it or moves out. Your dh must be on side.

It won't be easy but you must stand your ground, you are at the moment enabling her to behave like this and only by changing your own behaviour will she change hers and if she won't then she moves out.
If it comes to her moving out she may not speak to you for a while, that's fine, she will eventually come round when she grows up a bit.

TobleroneBoo Thu 06-Aug-15 12:08:13

Not sure of any developments so will be going back to rtft but she is behaving appallingly.

My 2 DB and I still live at home and would never speak to my mum like this. We all pay rent and I am extremely grateful for all she does.

I would put a stop to everything. Put locks on the kitchen cupboards and leave her one free and tell her she can fill that, but she wont be eating any more of the food you buy. She can do her own washing and ironing too. As soon as she was earning she should have been contributing.

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