How do I motivate my DS to do something?

[loooongsummerholidays]

He's 17, trying really hard in school and doing well but he just doesn't do anything else apart from school and computer games. He talks to his friends all evening via skype.

As a younger child, he did every club going, went to various different childcare and we were out every weekend doing something educational or visiting relatives, running around the park etc etc. So it's not as if he's always been like this.

He doesn't go out AT ALL unless it's with the family and even then, it's reluctant.

He doesn't have any hobbies apart from the computer. He wants to go to uni and study computer science.

He does a few chores around the house.

Generally he's a good kid but doesn't seem to have the same motivation as his step sister of the same age. She has a part time job and socialises with friends.

The summer holidays will involve him lying in bed til lunchtime and then on the computer til the early hours - every single day. He comes downstairs for meals and we always eat an evening meal as a family.

I have told them both they will be cooking 1 meal a week and doing their own washing in the summer holidays as well as their other chores.

Every time I try and encourage him to go out and see friends etc, he just doesn't want to.

I know if I could get him out of the house and doing something it would help his confidence, but it's a vicious circle, he won't go out, his confidence drops a bit more, so he doesn't want to go out.

He even says he doesn't "feel 17 years old" meaning that he doesn't feel grown up.

I let him have a free reign with the internet last year after constant arguments in the hope, he might self regulate more if he didn't feel that it was constantly going to be be taken away but although his school work is still good and he doesn't seem too sleep deprived, nothing much else has changed.

[Newtobecomingamum]

Hi, could he get a summer or weekend job? Music, book store, games shop or sporting shop etc? To get the ball rolling you may have to be proactive and help look for one but it's worth a try.

Alternatively, volunteering and your local volunteer centre will have loads of volunteering opportunities for young people and this can be matched with his interests.

I would strongly try and limit the internet usage. It's not healthy and unfortunately I have personal experience of a family member who got seriously addicted to online gaming to the extend it affected his health. You are the adult and you need to set rules.. speak to him about your concerns and explain it's not healthy. Agree a max amount of time that he can use the internet for (is it for gaming or social media?) and stick to it.

Best of luck

[cdtaylornats]

Speaking as someone with a degree in computer science and having had a career in it, don't worry. Once he starts his course he will find he has to interact. Unless it's at the top level of academia then working with computers requires teamwork. No one builds a significant computer system on their own. The last system I worked on had 5 million lines of code and a team of 30 people. Sleep deprivation is pretty common and ideally he should be working on a coffee addiction.

[fartmeistergeneral]

I reckon it's near impossible to get a 17 year old to do something he/she doesn't want to. Easy to say 'you are the adult' - this is perfectly true but getting them to see friends/get off the internet/go out the house. Easier said than done.