Long story but try to make it shorter. 9 months ago, my then 16 yo dd started seeing a 21 yr old lad. I welcomed him into my home and long story short over the next few months found out that he was a thief, liar and does cocaine, drinks to excess on occasions going AWOL from his family and was generally awful. This all came to a head in August when I banned my dd from seeing him. A few days later she announced if I wouldn't accept their relationship she was leaving to live with him and his family which she consequently did. I did the whole tough love thing.....go live with him and see what it's like without us......and went through hell. She gradually got back in contact then 3 wks ago phoned me in tears saying she made a huge mistake and wanted to come home. Once home she told me he was controlling her and hated her being in touch with me, that he was still doing drugs and had gone AWOL twice lying to her when he went on drinking benders. I welcomed her home, helped her sort out a new job etc. today she dropped a huge bomb shell. She text me saying she had been back in tough with him and wanted to be with him. She said she knew I would not accept this so she had arranged to move back in with him and his family.....tonight! I have since told her she will have nothing else to do with this family and that I will no longer have contact with her......the whole tough love thing again! She appears to not care......I am in pieces and don't know what to do. She has just started a great new career which I know she will mess up being with him. She's a lovely girl......when she's not being controlled! His whole family are wasters.....I just don't know where to go from here. HELP! Sorry about long drawn out thread
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What MEOD said, absolutely. If he's as controlling as you believe, it's basically emotional abuse - she just can't see it yet. She will need you one day. Until then, you may need to withdraw enough to minimise damage to your own family & relationships, but try to keep the lines of contact open. He will be trying to cut her off from you - it won't make it better if you cut contact as well.
It sounds a horrid situation to be in. 
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This sounds awful. 
I'd try 'competing' with him. Send her kind, loving messages frequently, tell her you miss her, ask how she's doing, share little bits of news and hopefully the contrast between the loving home at yours and the home with her BF will tempt her back with no loss of face on her part. But keep it unpressured with no hint of the (understandable) desperation on your part.
Don't criticise him or her choice to live with him. Tell her you find it hard to let her make her own choices but you've thought about it and realise she's nearly an adult now so you have decided to support her choices. Make it easy for her to return home and encourage her to meet you for coffee or something. Invite her bf too. Better to see her even if it's with him too than to cut contact.
If she feels loved and valued by you regardless of making mistakes she is more likely to find the strength to leave him.
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