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Teenage dd let home!

(13 Posts)
Beabea100 Wed 19-Nov-14 23:33:13

Long story but try to make it shorter. 9 months ago, my then 16 yo dd started seeing a 21 yr old lad. I welcomed him into my home and long story short over the next few months found out that he was a thief, liar and does cocaine, drinks to excess on occasions going AWOL from his family and was generally awful. This all came to a head in August when I banned my dd from seeing him. A few days later she announced if I wouldn't accept their relationship she was leaving to live with him and his family which she consequently did. I did the whole tough love thing.....go live with him and see what it's like without us......and went through hell. She gradually got back in contact then 3 wks ago phoned me in tears saying she made a huge mistake and wanted to come home. Once home she told me he was controlling her and hated her being in touch with me, that he was still doing drugs and had gone AWOL twice lying to her when he went on drinking benders. I welcomed her home, helped her sort out a new job etc. today she dropped a huge bomb shell. She text me saying she had been back in tough with him and wanted to be with him. She said she knew I would not accept this so she had arranged to move back in with him and his family.....tonight! I have since told her she will have nothing else to do with this family and that I will no longer have contact with her......the whole tough love thing again! She appears to not care......I am in pieces and don't know what to do. She has just started a great new career which I know she will mess up being with him. She's a lovely girl......when she's not being controlled! His whole family are wasters.....I just don't know where to go from here. HELP! Sorry about long drawn out thread

MyEmpireOfDirt Wed 19-Nov-14 23:35:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LegoCaltrops Wed 19-Nov-14 23:41:37

What MEOD said, absolutely. If he's as controlling as you believe, it's basically emotional abuse - she just can't see it yet. She will need you one day. Until then, you may need to withdraw enough to minimise damage to your own family & relationships, but try to keep the lines of contact open. He will be trying to cut her off from you - it won't make it better if you cut contact as well.

It sounds a horrid situation to be in. flowers

Beabea100 Wed 19-Nov-14 23:54:48

It is horrible. I'm a total wreck. She can contact me on fb.....I'm trying to get her to see what she is missing......which I thought I had succeeded in last time. I'm scared and don't know what to do and can't stop crying

HesNotAMessiah Thu 20-Nov-14 15:52:12

Can you hint you're not as unhappy about herr choice as you obviously are, and see if you can arrange maybe on evening a week to see her? or coffee at weekend?

And have a hunt around for some books on this sort of relationship, ones she can empathise with and will show her what her options are to deal with them.

There are some leaflets on emotional abuse via the NHS website as well, they just ask som straight questions and might surprise her into havgn a think about herself.

But 16yr olds in love are pretty unshakeable. You may have to accept she's going to ahve to learn frmo experience.

Theselittlelightsofmine Thu 20-Nov-14 15:54:10

She needs you more than ever now IMO.

Beabea100 Thu 20-Nov-14 16:46:08

Thank you for your replies.....I won't arrange to meet her as she told me when she previously lived with him he used to have a go at her for having contact with me and family friends. I am hoping and praying the same will happen this time as it did last time......that after a few weeks she will see sense and come home.

purpleroses Thu 20-Nov-14 19:56:59

Does she have any friends who you're in contact with? Anyone you could encourage to keep in touch with her, meet up, check she's OK, etc? Siblings? Can she message you someway he won't have access to? (ie if she uses FB a lot, and might leave it logged in then some different messenger Ap might be better) Or meet for coffee at a time when the BF's not around? And yes, don't change the locks on her.

Beabea100 Fri 21-Nov-14 18:54:26

She does stay in touch with a close family friend who fills me in. Bf is always around when she is not at work. I'm just angry and frustrated that she can't she has gone back after everything she said she had realised about him

chocoluvva Sat 22-Nov-14 16:21:57

This sounds awful. sad

I'd try 'competing' with him. Send her kind, loving messages frequently, tell her you miss her, ask how she's doing, share little bits of news and hopefully the contrast between the loving home at yours and the home with her BF will tempt her back with no loss of face on her part. But keep it unpressured with no hint of the (understandable) desperation on your part.

Don't criticise him or her choice to live with him. Tell her you find it hard to let her make her own choices but you've thought about it and realise she's nearly an adult now so you have decided to support her choices. Make it easy for her to return home and encourage her to meet you for coffee or something. Invite her bf too. Better to see her even if it's with him too than to cut contact.

If she feels loved and valued by you regardless of making mistakes she is more likely to find the strength to leave him.

Mrsjayy Tue 25-Nov-14 12:19:38

She is a vulnerable person hehas groomed her poor kid I don't know whaat you can do girls like this dont see it he is abused her she has been exploited by an older guy she is under 18 so techically still a child if it was my dd I would contact social services for advice this isn't a normal boyfriend

WitchesGlove Tue 25-Nov-14 14:09:00

What did you think a 21 year old would be interested in a 16 year old for?

I can't believe you welcomed him at first.

Is it his mum and dad he lives with? Do you think they might be reasonable people?

If you think this is an abusive relationship- ask woman's aid for advice. Try and stay in contact and say you'll pick her up if she wants to leave or go to a womens shelter. Agree a secret code word she can use in an emergency.

The drugs are a separate issue. Do you think he's dealing? Maybe contact the police.

Successful career? At 17? I doubt it, she's young enough that she can start again if this makes her lose her current job. Good luck.

summer68 Thu 27-Nov-14 19:38:24

bb, what a terrible situation. Have you had any thoughts about calling ss?
I totally agree with other that you must keep lines of communication open, meet her for lunch while she's at work so he doesn't know.
I wish you luck with this situation.

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