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My 19 yo daughter...

(6 Posts)
redwiner Mon 26-May-14 18:19:00

I have one child, a 19yo daughter and when she was 13 her stepfather, whom she adored, was killed in a motorcycle accident. Her biological father and I split up when she was 5 (and he no longer bothers to see her) and I married again when she was 9. Three years ago I met, and last year married, another wonderful man. He bends over backwards to do what he can for her ( he is unable to have children of his own so no step-siblings about) but lately she is being really awful towards him. She doesn't bother speaking to him much, hardly gives him the time of day really. If he speaks to her she replies but that's it. We have moved to a beautiful big house which has room for her 2 horses which we have never had before but everything in her life is 'shit'. She left school at 17 as she didn't want to study so she did hairdresser training, She has almost qualified but everything is 'shit'. Work, home, (even me sometimes) everything. We bought her a car when she was 17, paid for a years insurance and a dozen driving lessons but as she simply will NOT sit and look at her highway code book she has failed her theory test twice so now the car sits on the drive gathering dust. I just don't know what to do with her. I try to imagine how I would feel if my own dad didn't want me and the man I thought of as dad was killed, it would be dreadful - but I have been as sensitive as I possible could, introduced her to my new man slowly and asked her how she felt about us getting married and she seemed fine. It's really the last 6 months that she has changed and I don't know how to handle the situation. She says she wants to leave home but she cannot afford it, she is only on apprentice wages and actually - I don't want her to. Has anyone got any suggestions on what to do please? Please don't say throw her out because I will not do that, I just want to restore harmony to the household.

mumeeee Mon 26-May-14 21:34:02

. It must be hard for her but she also sounds like a normal 19 year old wanting to have dome independence. . DD2 was awful to us from the age of 19 to 19 but then went to uni and gradually changed into a mature young lady. I think you are trying to hard and giving her to much, If she won't learn the highway code perhaps she does not actually want to drive. I would sell the car.

heyday Tue 27-May-14 08:29:13

She has in effect lost 2 dads already and her lax attitude may be a protection barrier. She might be scared to love another father/ fatherfigure? You' seem to give her so much..... Car at 17 , horses.... Perhaps you are doing too much and she needs to meet you half way. I would tell her that you are going to sell the car and will think about helping her buy a new one once she actually passes her driving test. She is probably a young woman who is desperate for her independence but financially cannot have it yet. Do you think that a course of counselling might help her as she may have unresolved grief issues. Could you take her out for a meal, just the two of you and see if you can build up a bond again so you can ask her subtlety if she is ok. She is still a teenager and growing up can be tough. Grit your teeth, give her space and hopefully she will come through this tunnel. You might find that things have changed in the relationship between you as she battles for independence.

chocoluvva Tue 27-May-14 11:57:24

It's hard to know from your post what to advise.

If she was agreeable to counselling that would might be very helpful.

On the other hand, as others have commented, wanting to have more independence is normal at her age. (DD (17.5) is counting the days till she moves into her student accommodation).

I think heyday's advice is probably good.

chocoluvva Tue 27-May-14 14:05:11

I understand your concern about her moving out though - it's one thing moving into student accommodation in term time but another thing to move out completely.

Charlotteamanda1 Tue 27-May-14 21:31:46

Perhaps she started to get close to your new partner then got frightened of loss happening again. She may not even know she feels like that.
Has she had bereavement therapy. It might be worth her seeing a psychologist.
It sounds like she feels if she doesn't try she won't fail which is easier to deal with. It all seems a reaction to trauma.
It must be impossible for all of you.

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