15 yr old going out with large group of friends

[SueLouth]

My 15 DD has just started to go out and hang out with a large crowd. I only know a couple of the friends she goes out with. She has told me where they go and some of the friends she is with (friends from school). She has agreed that she has to be home by the agreed time and that she has to keep in touch, letting us know where she is etc. I am trying to tell myself that this is all part of growing up but I am making myself ill with worrying about what she is doing and what the other people are like and whether they are getting up to the wrong things. She tells me they just 'hang out' and chat. I've had a few conversations with her about trust and honesty. What else can I do to try and keep sane!

[Innogen]

This is all your problem, not hers.

Don't just assume they're getting up to awful stuff. Just because it is a large group doesn't make them delinquents.

Maybe try and frame it in your mind as 'oh isn't it wonderful that DD has so many friends?'

When the weather gets nicer, why not hold a big garden party or BBQ for all of them?

[midnightagents]

^^ agree with innogen.
She really hasn't done anything wrong at all. It will be great for her having so many friends, please don't ruin these important years for her with your insecurities. I don't know how you can stop worrying so much, if it's becoming unmanageable I suggest going to the drs for some help with anxiety. Maybe do the NHs stress course they run? That helped me a bit. Or there's some things you can do in your own time to try to see the positives in things, meditation, relaxation, positive thinking etc.

It's hard to come to terms with but your daughter is growing up, it's highly likely at some point she will do things that make you uncomfortable but that doesn't always make them "wrong things" as you put it. Unfortunately teenagers can experiment a bit at this age, but try to be supportive not condemning if that ever does arise, you are more likely to help her to a mature path if you do that, rather than fly off the handle. Good luck.

[yourlittlesecret]

I would make it clear that all her friends were welcome, let them hang out at your house.

[BackforGood]

Agree with the others - not sure what the issue is here.

[cory]

another voice adds to the Mumsnet unison

the most important thing for your dd's safety is for her to feel secure in her own ability to make mature decisions

you do not want to undermine that by hinting that she is bound to be incapable of choosing good friends or incapable of resisting temptation should it come up

if you have talked to her about trust, then you need to exercise that trust

no good giving her the signals that "you have to behave so I can trust you...but I'm not actually going to trust you anyway".

[mrsjay]

these kids are just hanging out did you let her out to play when she was younger ? it is the same things I think you need to let it go they are just 15 yr olds not deliqueints (sp) and if they were up to no good you would here about it ,

[chocoluvva]

I wouldn't like that either. Are they all from the same school? Do you know any of the parents? If so, they might know some of the others.

Offer to give her/them lifts and make your house a welcoming place for them to hang out. Try to explain the embarrassing consequences of having too much to drink IMO that's more likely than a lecture on safety to put her off having too much alcohol.

Make sure she knows that you will go and get her out of any situation at a moment's notice if need be, agree on a code word she can use if she doesn't want other people knowing she's contacting you then wave her off with a cheerful, 'Have fun'.

I used to go off with a group of friends to the local pubs (small town/rural area) when I was a bit older than your DD (the pubs used to let us in without ID if we behaved - this was back in the dark ages) and my mum regularly used to tell me off for not coming in when she'd said I should be back home. I don't know if this applies to your DD, but I didn't give two hoots for the fact she worried - as far as I was concerned I was sensible, my friends were sensible; if my mum was stupid enough to worry needlessly it was her problem, not mine.

Obviously I was too immature to respect my DM's feelings, but as far as I was concerned there was no problem - and actually there wasn't. Your DD won't be worried about her safety either.

Try to listen to her without commenting too much/being shocked/horrified/judgmental so that she feels able to tell you things.

[flipchart]

My Ds is 17 now and for years has always had a large crowd of mates.

I was happy about this as when he was very young he only ad one friend.

What worked for me was an open house invite. His mates would come here and I would put some butties and crisps on which they would take into the loft and play on the Xbox. I would drop him off at friends houses and give lifts. I found out that they were all nice, normal chatty kids who I am now fond of.

Ds2 has gone the same way. It's quite nice to hear the front door go and someone shout ' hi Jill, I'm just going up to see Jordan!' And have a load of size 9 and 10 shoes lined up in the hall!