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15 year old daughter having sex

(29 Posts)
wonderingwoman64 Sat 22-Feb-14 14:52:38

Title says it all. Have a daughter who is 16 in a few months.

I've just been tidying her room and found condoms and the microgynon pill (packer started a few days ago). I did not / do not know if she has a boyfriend. She refuses to talk to me about this sort of thing although I have made it clear she can tell me stuff and that I will not be judgemental.

If she is having sex (and I assume it is) she is having the opportunity to do so by lying to us about where she is with and whom. She has been on a number of sleepovers recently, she has told me that they are at friends' houses and I know the majority are but am wondering if she has lied to me about some of them. I can not keep her safe if I do not know where she is.

I am glad that if she is having sex it appears to be safe sex. But I am worried that she has this whole life I know nothing about. It scares me. I have no idea how to broach this subject with her. We used to be close, now we are not and my husband and I feel as though we need to tiptoe round dd most of the time at the moment.

I want to make sure she is in a happy relationship, that she is not being take advantage of or being coerced into anything she doesn't want to do (really of course I don't want her to be having sex but that horse appears to have bolted).

Has anyone any advice for me please?

WeeClype Sat 22-Feb-14 15:02:59

Not got much advice but at 15 you have just described me! I would say I was staying with friends but it was really my boyfriend, I went on the pill without telling mum freaked when she found the pill packet.

I'm now 34 and still with the same boyfriend ....only we have 4 kids now.

Marne Sat 22-Feb-14 15:06:48

I know it must be hard but I think you just need to trust her, she sounds very sensible (she is on the pill and using condoms), no one wants to find out that their dd is having sex but sadly a lot of girls are at this age. Just remind her that you are there if she needs to talk about anything.

specialsubject Sat 22-Feb-14 16:27:58

the horse indeed is long gone.

can you tell her that you are glad that she is taking precautions, but you do need to know where she is without all the details? BTW hope there are condoms missing too, she needs to use them as well.

findingherfeet Sat 22-Feb-14 16:39:50

To reiterate what others have said, you have a sensible daughter in that she is taking precautions. Perhaps just tell her without being confrontational what you have seen and that you just want to make sure she is safe and to let her know she can talk to you?

chocoluvva Sat 22-Feb-14 18:00:22

Were they hidden? If not I'd probably tell her you found them and tell her that she's welcome to have any/all her friends round, including boyfriends.

I agree with specialsubject's post too.

wonderingwoman64 Mon 24-Feb-14 11:04:13

Thank you all for your replies.

The pill / condoms were at the top of her bedside drawer (I was clearing up in her room). I am frozen with fear about talking to my dd. I feel as though I don't know her. Her father will go completely bonkers if I tell him as well.

adeucalione Mon 24-Feb-14 11:38:30

I wouldn't discuss this with DH until you have had a conversation with DD and (hopefully) learned the full facts.

It doesn't sound as if her pills were well hidden so I would just tell her that you have found them and are concerned. I expect she will be defensive and embarrassed so to stand a chance of avoiding an unproductive argument I think you need to make it absolutely clear that your concern if coming from a place of love rather than a place of judgemental disapproval.

I would want to ascertain whether there is a boyfriend and, if so, why he is being kept a secret.

If there isn't a boyfriend then presumably she needs contraception because she is having, or thinking of having, casual sex. In this case she needs praise for seeking contraception but also reminding about the dangers of STIs alongside a talk about self esteem, peer pressure etc.

I'm afraid I would also be curtailing her freedom a bit too - if she has indeed lied to you about her whereabouts then she really shouldn't be surprised if you start talking to other parents about sleepover arrangements from now on.

chocoluvva Mon 24-Feb-14 12:16:21

I had a chat about the contraceptive pill with my DD recently. Her circumstances are different - I know her BF and she's a bit older than your DD. She of course reckons she knows everything there is to know about all forms of contraception as she had "researched it". But she hadn't made the connection with her migraine and the pill. I don't know which brand she's on or whether she'll bear my advice in mind to ask for a different brand if the one she's on doesn't suit her, but at least I know she knows now. (Apparently her GP hadn't asked if she had a history of migraines...)

Another thing to consider is that your DD will know that you won't fly off the handle if she gets into difficulties and would be able to come to you for help if she needed to.

You have the opportunity now to have a chat with her about her reasons for being sexually active. It's one thing if she's in a happy relationship but if she's having sex for other reasons you might be able to help her make better choices. At the very least you'll give her the message that your main concern is for her safety, health and happiness.

chocoluvva Mon 24-Feb-14 12:18:07

You weren't snooping...

jellybeans Mon 24-Feb-14 13:09:01

I know how you feel! However it is great that she is being careful. At first with my DD (now 17) it was awkward but now we chat freely about it and I have even been to doctors with her about contraceptives etc. I found this age hard as you still want to parent them but outright authoritarian parenting at this age won't work and they can rebel even more!!

wonderingwoman64 Tue 25-Feb-14 11:37:47

Once again thank you all. I have not yet talked to dd about this. I have become quite angry that she has lied to me though about where she was staying last week. Added to that I have checked her Facebook account (yes I know but I am worried) and she is messaging friends basically laughing at her father and I falling for her lies.

I am going to talk to her tonight. I am furious with her lies, more so than the sex which I hope and pray is with someone she cares for and cares for her.

specialsubject Tue 25-Feb-14 12:46:19

given the nasty comments on facebook (and the incompetence in posting so that you can see it) I wouldn't be too gentle on her now, and you certainly don't need to worry about respecting her privacy. She's lost the right to that by the unpleasant comments.

having responsible sex is not a nasty thing to do. Lying and sneering at people (let alone her parents) is and needs to be stopped.

wonderingwoman64 Tue 25-Feb-14 12:56:05

This is what I am thinking specialsubject. I am so disappointed in my dd's lies and sneers. I feel as though I don't know her at all.

chocoluvva Tue 25-Feb-14 16:04:51

FB has a lot to answer for IMO.

I'd be very annoyed with her posts too. But they're not intended for your eyes. Before the internet she'd have said these things to her friends and you'd have been none the wiser. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I think most teenagers go through a phase where they think their parents are stupid.

I agree with specialsubjects's post - but be prepared for her to be furious with you for reading her messaging.

mathanxiety Tue 25-Feb-14 17:03:03

You know, to a certain extent no parent is dealing with the same child they once had when the transformation of the teen years gets under way. I don't think dealing with teens is ever plain sailing -- some parents have huge issues and some have small ones; overall no matter what is going on, this is a time when everything is in a state of flux. You get used to having your child aged 6 to 11 or so remain pretty much as you want him or her to be, and then suddenly nothing is familiar. It is very tempting to want the old child back, and your old status as parent back too.

That ship has sailed. Maybe it would be less depressing and sad if you look on this episode as a chance to get closer and to forge a necessary new relationship with your DD? Yes, anger at being sneered at and lied to is justified, but she is going to pick up on any hankering after the past that you have inside you, and will be hostile. She can't go back to being a child. Do not accept accusations from her about snooping, etc. Simply do not engage with her on any such points. She has a room to hide stuff in and access to a computer thanks to your and her dad. No need to rub that in, but just blow off her privacy objections.

How to go forward from here is your priority. Ask her how she intends to repair the relationship. Make it plain that this is her responsibility. Your DD needs to be pushed into maturity and a sense of responsibility -- the kind of maturity where she introduces boyfriends and other friends to you and her dad.

How much does she contribute to life in the family home? Does she cook a couple of meals every week, or produce a dessert for everyone on the weekend? Does she hoover or have any other chore? Does she do her own laundry start to finish? I noticed you were tidying her room so I assume this is something she gets away without doing. At 15 a DD should be contributing. Contributing shows a teen to whom she is accountable and also shows teens how much effort it takes to give them the things they take for granted, which generally results in a less sullen and 'I'm so misunderstood and my parents are idiots' teen attitude.

How much time does she get to hang out with you or with her dad either doing some activity (even shopping or going for a walk or having coffee together) or just chatting? Looking ahead, you and her dad need to carve out time for this, separately and as a trio.

wonderingwoman64 Wed 26-Feb-14 13:05:31

An update, thank you once again to everyone who has posted.

I spoke to dd yesterday. She has lied about two sleepovers over half term. One was spent with a girl I don't know and one at a boy's house after a party where there were about a dozen teenagers. For both she said the reason she didn't tell me is because I would refuse to let her go.

She has told me she hasn't had full sex. She likes the boy she has been with a lot, he is her age.

I concentrated on the being more disappointed about the fact that she lied to us and then thought that was clever and this has meant a breakdown in trust than the sex, as she made it clear she had not been presurrised into anything she didn't want to.

The conversation hasn't finished by any means. I am thinking a lot about what my dd has said. I don't mourn her growing up, at all, I am however missing the trust that there was between us which has gone for now. Dd and I spend quite a lot of time together, her and her father less so. I agree this should change.

I am still not sure dd is being totally honest with me, though I can not see why she would continue to lie. I am going to talk to her again.We spoke yesterday about the fact that if she feels mature enough to make decisions about her body and having sex, so I will be telling her that she is obviously mature enough to take on other responsibilities including contributing to housework etc.

So things still up in the air a bit but a little more positive than before.

chocoluvva Wed 26-Feb-14 14:46:54

My sympathies.

FWIW - when I was her age I felt I had no option but to lie to my DM about some of my activities at that age. blush I knew she'd be horrified and go mad so I'd lie if 'required'.

There's no way I'd have told her when I went on the pill and I didn't see it as any of her business anyway. She had, IMO, the ridiculous view that sexual activity before marriage was immoral and IMO ridiculous old-fashioned views about what 'nice' girls did/didn't do. Her views and wishes were irrelevant as I was not old-fashioned and out of touch, like her. She really didn't know much about anything.

Once I left home I had a brilliant relationship with her and continued to ask her advice, about certain things and respect her wishes until she died a few years ago. I was a teenager who needed a lot of 'space'.

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you regarding what you should do but don't be too hurt by her lies. I think if you tell her being sexually active = old enough to do housework she will feel that you are punishing her. She will feel mature for getting contraception sorted and think you're using the discovery you made as an excuse for controlling her.

I don't mean to sound harsh or to be condoning your DD's lying, but just to put things from her POV potentially.

mathanxiety Thu 27-Feb-14 01:39:21

Yes, don't make it such an obvious quid pro quo. Involve her in cooking and meal production and household management as part of 'activities with mum' and invite her to choose and make a meal or two a week or a dessert, and then tell her you appreciate her effort.

wonderingwoman64 Mon 17-Mar-14 12:48:24

Hi all. I am sorry to have to come back to this.

I have felt as though dd is still lying to me.

Went into dd's room to tidy it while she was out at the weekend. I saw her packet of pills on the bedside table and opened the drawer to put them away. Inside on the top was a used pregnancy test.

Spoke to dd when she got home. She lied and lied and lied. Said she hadn't had sex (err why use a pregnancy test then). Told me the matches also in her drawer were for candles. I have smelt cigarette smoke on her and thought I was imagining things.

We are not speaking. I am fed up with being lied to. I want her to be honest with me so I can know that she is safe and happy. I see our relationship in tatters, with her living a life that I know nothing about and it is really upsetting me. She is obviously putting herself at risk. I don't know what to do.

chocoluvva Mon 17-Mar-14 13:08:37

Oh dear - that must be very hard for you.

But IMO you need to change tack - she is probably resentful of your belief that she can't be trusted to make decisions on her own. I totally understand your feeling that if you don't know what she's doing you can't keep her safe and happy but think about this I want her to be honest with me so I CAN KNOW that she is safe and happy.

She isn't going to confess to smoking and being sexually active because she knows you'll tell her not to/be angry/disappointed and she's going to do these things anyway.

Horrendously difficult though it is I think you need to avoid making a drama out of her behaviour. Briskly say something along the lines of 'It's a shame when people take up smoking - so expensive and smelly' and leave it at that.

Be obviously loving and let her know you love her for being her, regardless of her poor choices. That way you will hopefully have more influence over her behaviour in the long run and increase the chances of her coming to you for support when she feels she needs it.

Claybury Mon 17-Mar-14 14:02:15

Teenagers often lie to their parents. If I were you I would be very concerned about her behaviour, and safety, but don't take the actual lying personally. My DS 16 has regularly lied about whereabouts on sleepovers and last time I caught him out I just explained that our only concern was his safety so please be honest about your plans ( he had convinced DH he was having a quiet night in at a friends - in fact they went to an all night rave in the city). I just said I would have given him emergency taxi money if I had known and kept in closer text contact. He obviously thought we would curtail his freedom and thought it worth lying about. It is upsetting when they lie to your face though sad
I have been less stressed since I realised I can't actually stop DS from smoking either. They do need to live their own lives and make their own mistakes.

15 is a tough age ( for parenting ) you have my sympathies.

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 14:11:47

OP look at it this way. Ideally she wouldn't lie to you but for some reason she is. It's your responsibility now to get her to tell the truth - not by forcing it out of her but by enabling her to do so in her own time and by her own volition.

How hard must it be to tell your parent you think you're pregnant?

And WHY did she leave all those very private and personal things (that she wants to lie about) in such obvious places? She probably wanted you to find them and that's the only way she can tell you.

So build on that, it's not a lot but it's a start. You need to spend time with her, as much as you can, in a relaxed way and let her feel like a little girl again. She needs you now. If you don't feel it fake it as they say.

specialsubject Mon 17-Mar-14 15:29:02

tell her to stop insulting your intelligence (she clearly smokes and has had sex) and that it is time to start using hers.

tell her that you are happy to treat her as more of an adult when she starts behaving like one. That does not mean shagging and stinky-sticks, that means truth, responsibility and making some more adult choices.

best of British.

wonderingwoman64 Tue 01-Apr-14 12:39:06

thank you again for all your advice.

things have not really got any better. I have stopped dd from going out to her friends' houses for sleepovers, she has not argued this point. She refuses to speak to me properly.

The atmosphere in the house is awful. She is revising for GCSES downstairs in our house (refuses to use her bedroom which to be fair is not great and we have for months offered to repaint it / get nicer furniture etc). She is dictating what room dp and I are allowed to be in, so she can revise in peace. She shouts at us when she is in the kitchen and we are also there cooking. Other than that she is hardly talking to us except when she wants something.

She seems so angry with us, especially with DH. I think it is because he was very very ill a year ago and she hasn't come to terms with that? Dh very very upset. I can see our family breaking up over this. Our home is a joyless place to be at the moment. Our dd sneers at us constantly.

I know we need to take the power back off her. I have told her the minimum requirement for behaviour is for her not to lie and to treat us with respect. I have said that I know she is under pressure with her exams but that there is no need to treat us like this. She manages to treat her friends nicely still.

I don't know what else to do. She is meant to be going to a festival after exam results and I have said unless her behaviour improves she won't go and I will stick to this but it is as though she doesn't care.

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