My 14 year old son has a girlfriend for over a year and I believe they are experimenting sexually

[Aix13]

I don't know how to react to my 14 yr old son who sends sexually charged messages to his girlfriend - and her to him. Worse still, I am sure they are up to all sorts at school where it seems there is very little surveillance. I think it worries me more that they have been together for about 18 months. I find it very serious for their age and I would prefer him to enjoy his childhood before committing. I can't bring myself to speak to him about precautions - I know they have spoken at school about it - because I don't want to seem to condone his behaviour. He says he enjoys being loved!!! I am terrified that she will get pregnant. I also can't believe that he is developing so fast when he was still so naive a year ago. Help!

[BrickorCleat]

I would prefer him to enjoy his childhood before committing. I can't bring myself to speak to him about precautions

With all due respect, he is 14 and not a child really, more a young man. If you can't bring yourself to speak to him about sexual responsibility at his age, I'm afraid you have a problem.

It's ultimately his decision, but somebody needs to be spelling out both options and consequences.

Do you know the girl's parents?

[Pantygirdl]

Hi. I think you need to bite the bullet and have a talk with him about sex and relationships, including the law regarding sex with under 16s. Good luck!

[Aix13]

I do think 14 is way too young to be faced with this but I accept the comment that perhaps we should get to know the parents. I don't, because we moved in 2013 and so new school etc. I am honestly hesitating about getting to know the parents because it is like I am forcing him to take this thing seriously. Really, I would like to forbid it but, of course, I am not so stupid to know that that would have the opposite effect... I have talked to him about sex and relationships - we do have a very open relationship, but I am aware that I am not supposed to be his friend and as a parent I hate the whole situation!

[flow4]

I have a lot of sympathy. My DS2 has just turned 14 and has had a girlfriend for 9 months. Her family are very keen on encouraging the relationship, and invite him to family events etc.; I think they are too young and want to keep them as 'just friends'.

That said, I know I can't be an ostrich. :) I have had 'the talk', about sex and about love. I've talked to him about his feelings and bit my tongue listened rather than just lecturing him. That was actually reassuring, because it told me he isn't remotely interested in sex - yet - and that he knows about contraception and where to get condoms, if/when he does get interested. I told him I'd take him to the FPC whenever that is, and that I'll talk to him about anything, any time. I also made sure he knows I think that under-age sex isn't a good idea, and that it isn't generally even enjoyable because young people's bodies and minds aren't ready and they're often very anxious.

I've also set some ground rules - well one main one, which is that the door stays open if they're in his bedroom together.

I have made a point of talking to his GF's mum. I wanted to check that she was happy with this rule, and that she'd enforce it and supervise them generally at her house. I agree it sort of legitimises the situation and makes it 'serious', but I would far sooner do that than have him become a father at 14. And that is a real risk - you can't avoid it - a boy who isn't informed about sex, love and contraception is much more likely to get someone pregnant. And young people whose parents are avoiding the whole issue are more likely to find themselves in difficult situations they can't handle, without support.

I think you just have to be brave Aix, and talk to him. Good luck!

[IDontDoIroning]

Seriously do you think they are having sex in school ?
I'm reporting this thread

[ProfPlumSpeaking]

Of course you MUST talk to your DS about sex and contraception and relationships. The full caboodle. Ignorance is not strength and he could get himself and his gf into all sorts of trouble if he is not fully aware of the full facts of life. If you can't do it, then you need to delegate to another trusted adult to do it. You may or may not be able to postpone his sexual experimentation but at least you will make it less likely to end in disaster. As flow says, be brave.

[NigellasDealer]

you have to talk to him about precautions it is your duty as a parent!
and idontdoironing why would you report this thread - - seriously confused!
people seem to forget how horny teenagers get, no they are not really 'children' any more.

[Starballbunny]

Behind building construction or the art block, it would have taken nerve or a trustworthy look out, but completely possible. Easy if we'd had after school clubs in winter.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

Seriously do you think they are having sex in school ?
I'm reporting this thread

Really Idont

From what DD has told me - there is plenty of sexual experimenting going on at schools. I went to boarding school so my opinion of normal day schools are based on what goes on nowadays at DDs high school iyswim.
That being said boarding school was very sexually charged at times back then. Makes me to think about it now.

[Fairyliz]

Talking to him about precautions? Along with talking about the age of consent.

[AskBasil]

Tell him to watch this bloke's video about sex:

www.upworthy.com/a-20-something-guy-goes-on-and-on-about-sex-for-6-minutes-nails-it?g=2&c=ufb1

[ConnieM1970]

I don't think any of us want our 14 yr olds having sex but if they've been dating for a year already there is a good chance they are sexually active. I'd sit him down and talk to him about condoms and birth control. My approach has always been that sex can be wonderful if they are being safe and in a committed relationship. You need to open up the lines of communication with him.

[allthingsfluffy]

I can't bring myself to speak to him about precautions - I know they have spoken at school about it - because I don't want to seem to condone his behaviour.

Your son isn't going to give a flying fig if you condone his behaviour or not. Do you want him to become a dad at 15 because you couldn't seperate your principles from the reality of the situation?

It is possible to say to him "I don't agree with your relationship, I think you are too young, but I realise that I cannot stop you." And then go on to speak to him about using condoms.

There's no surveillance in school, which displeases you, yet you are relying on school to educate your son about sex? Really?