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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

What do you say when your 16yr old tells you that they no longer feel part of the family

15 replies

Totalpushova · 28/12/2013 08:16

Sat last night and managed to talk with my DS, something I don't get to do very often. DS has been quite angry lately and I wanted to find out the reason, when he said that he no longer felt part of the family and that he wasn't wanted it almost broke my heart. They said that they feel both me and my DH no longer were interested in them and by staying in their room was doing us a big favour. I have always tried to give my time to my kids but it's difficult at times as my DH seems to resent the time I spend with them, DS said that he feels that DH doesn't want anyone to share my time only him and when DS tries to talk with me about something the DH starts a conversation over the top of him. If I say anything to DH about what has been said then they will see that the problem is the DS and they are not at fault. Just want my DS to feel that they're always wanted and loved

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TanteRose · 28/12/2013 08:23

You keep writing "they" so I'm guessing there are a couple of DCs?
Are they your DH's biological children?

16 years olds can be a bit melodramatic, so I would take what your DS with a pinch of salt, and keep telling him you love him.

Also maybe go out just the two of you, in the car or something, so you can talk

livinginawinterwonderland · 28/12/2013 11:59

You keep saying "they"? I assume there are 2 teenagers and DS is speaking on behalf of both of them? Are they DH's biological children or not?

Like Tante said, 16 year olds can be melodramatic, but I would still listen to his concerns. It's not good that your DH talks over him all the time and gets annoyed when you spend time with your sons. Yes, at 16 they should be getting more independent, but they still need their parents and they still need to feel loved and wanted at home.

Did DS say why he felt like that? Was it something you or DH did specifically or is it just how he feels in general? Maybe ask him what would make him feel more included? He's old enough to tell you what would make things better.

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2013 12:04

I wouldn't live with someone that my children didn't want to live with.

It's heartbreaking to think of your children staying in their rooms because they don't feel wanted. This isn't how they should be living.

BackforGood · 28/12/2013 12:16

Well, does your dh do what your ds is saying ?
I have 2 teens and a 12 yr old - I make a point of making times whn we are just alone 1:1, be it when I take them places (eg dd2 is very sproty so lot of time going to matches) but also just dropping or collecting them from places - it doesn't have to be a big lunch out thing). ds and I sit and watch Match of the Day together every weekend, etc.,etc - doesn't matter what it is, but sometimes you have to enter their worlds rather than them feeling you are fitting into yours.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 28/12/2013 12:16

Why DOES your DH resent the time you spend with your children? You used one sentence which suggests this is your perspective too, so not just "teenage melodrama". It's a serious issue and I think you should be glad that they care enough and are mature enough to come to you about it. That's a massive credit to you - many teens when they perceive an unfairness of this nature will flounce and act out in other ways.

Please respect their maturity and take this seriously. Your DH cannot come between you and your children.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 28/12/2013 12:18

Also I was a bit confused by your last sentence - was there a typo there?

Totalpushova · 28/12/2013 15:39

Yes I've got 2 DCs and the DH is the biological dad, the eldest just does their own thing. Will make sure that DS always knows how much he means to me and how special he will always be even if I can't always tell him

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Totalpushova · 28/12/2013 16:29

Can't understand why DH is the way he is, he does have health problems and suppose he feels that he needs me more than the DS especially as the DS is grown up, he has said how my DC always come to me but says it's because I'm stupid with them and as my tag suggests a total push over. His childhood relationship with his father wasn't great so maybe it's history repeating itself. He has never really bonded with the DS as they like totally different things, DH is sports mad and DS hates sport so not much common ground. My other child shared her dad's sports interests so I didn't have the same problem with her so much however she has also made similar comments about DH wanting me all for himself and him not really bothered about them, it's sad. I'm lucky that both of my DCs come and talk to me and your posts have made me realise that, so big thanks for that

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thornrose · 28/12/2013 16:36

Gosh, your dad sounds so similar to mine, even down to being sports mad!

My dad had horrible jealousy issues over me and my sis's relationship with my mum. We spent all our time in our rooms avoiding him.

He had issues with his own horrible dad also, his biggest fear, apparently, was ending up like his dad, and he did.

I resent/ed my mum for not stopping him from behaving so badly. I really think you need to show your dc that you are taking them seriously. I would have a serious talk to dh about it.

thornrose · 28/12/2013 16:36

Sorry I meant your dh not your dad!

Totalpushova · 28/12/2013 16:55

Sad to hear u had the same issues thornrose, just hope that my DCs don't end up resenting me, I will try to break the barriers with DH and DS, it may take a while but hopefully I will succeed

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thornrose · 28/12/2013 17:04

You're facing up to it, and your dc will see that so its unlikely they will end up resenting you.

DaveBussell · 28/12/2013 17:08

Certainly sounds as if the issue is with your DH and not your dc. It is very sad how people can end up repeating the mistakes their own parents made. Your dc come to you because you're 'stupid with them'?? No, they come to you because they know you love them and will listen.

He sounds controlling and i'm sorry to say I doubt you will have much luck trying to improve the relationship between him and ds at this late stage. Better for you to concentrate on the relationship between you and your dc. As others have said, make time to spend with them away from your dh - maybe go out and do something nice together where your dh can't interfere.

It might also be worth posting in 'Relationships' board about your dh, you should get some sympathetic advice there on how to deal with his jealousy.

Totalpushova · 28/12/2013 20:52

Thanks davebussell I do think you are right and thank you for your comments. DH suggested a day out next Monday but have decided to take DS for lunch instead, don't know how this will go down but hey ho my kid needs me more at the moment, I won't give up trying to help build bridges but do think that it's a hell of a bridge to build. Will take your advice 're the relationship board, if everyone is as inspiring as on this page then I can only grow stronger. Many thanks again

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DaveBussell · 28/12/2013 21:19

Good luck Total, hope I didn't sound too negative about building bridges - I think it's great that you are determined to try. Enjoy your lunch with ds

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