Teen sleepovers

[stockwellia]

Sleepovers have become a regular part of my 2 sons lives. I've managed to make it clear to younger DS (aged 16) that he should only spend one night of the weekend away from home and none during revision and exam periods but it is a constant struggle. I've made it clear he is very welcome to have friends over, moved him into a bigger room and bought him a sofabed for friends, but he rarely has friends over. He'll admit this is because he does not like the idea of me keeping an eye on what he and his friends get up to (I'd guess this includes staying up all night, smoking etc). My guess is that he and his friends gravitate to houses where there is minimal supervision from adults.

Yesterday he texted me in the early evening to say he was going to stay with a friend, X. I didn't recognise the name (plus X does not go to a school I'd hear of) and said that he'd need to text me the number of one of X's parents so I could introduce myself. DS didn't send the number so later in the evening I told him I was expecting him home after his party. He didn't come home.

Any ideas how to tackle this? DS is very independent for his age. He has a weekend job, organises his school work pretty well, tidies his room without prompting. On the whole I've found his friends to be a nice bunch of boys, though they teeter on the brink of getting into trouble. One was arrested the other week for possession of cannabis. I'm a single parent so feel the lack of someone to bounce ideas off. I don't think that getting into a big confrontation with DS is the way to go. Can't think of many sanctions that would stick anyway as DS has an independent income! I do understand that he wants to feel autonomous and have his choices respected. On the other hand I don't think my requests for information are unreasonable - it is not a comfortable feeling for me not to know where my 16 is overnight. DS has the potential to do very well in GCSEs but does not always find it easy to focus and pace himself.

Ideas I have had
a) restate my concerns and wishes and leave it at that
b) try to get a list of parents' numbers from other friends
c) have more "at home" evenings and invite his friends and their parents

I'd be really pleased to hear other parents' experiences on this one.

[Lottiedoubtie]

I don't think option B is a goer.

Honestly, when he gets home I'd sit down with him and have an adult conversation. Make it about what your concerns are, stress your desire for him to be safe and successful as well as happy. Agree with him compromises that allow you peace of mind and him the opportunity to succeed at school/work.

He sounds like he is basically functioning as an older teen/young adult already and I think trying to restrict that too much is likely to be counter productive so I would encourage it- but with such freedom comes great responsibility

[mumeeee]

At 16 I would talk to him and state your concerns then leave it at that. At that age I didn't have a list of all my DDs friends parents numbers. I just expected them to text me to let me know where they were going and if they were sleeping over. He did let you know where he was going and told you that he wouldn't be home.

[stockwellia]

Thanks Lottie - good advice! Though having adult-style conversations is quite hard work as DS does not attend to normal adult conversational rules. He'll just walk off if he does not agree! It really is a big shift to having more adult relationships with teenagers. In some ways they are ready for it, in others not...

[stockwellia]

Thanks mumeeee. I guess I'll have to let DS know that I'll have to trust him to be where he says he is (even if I doubt he'll be sticking to that).

[Lottiedoubtie]

Start with a compliment. How happy you are that he as such close friends/can organise his life/is holding down the job/doing well at school etc..

Catch more flies with honey etc...

He may not deal well with the conversation straight off- give him several chances and stay calm it's the end result you want

[mumeeee]

That rule still stood at 19 if they were living at home. In fact DH and I would let the DDs know if we were staying out later then planned.

[Claybury]

Stock- I am in the exact same situation as you. Your first para could have been written by me.
My DS16 never has friends over unless on a rare occasion we are out. I'm also sure they go to houses where there is no supervision. I'm guessing staying up all night on Xbox smoking weed. (I'm guessing as he never talks about what he does) Also I discovered sleepovers were actually an excuse to go to all night raves over the summer . (Where other drugs were involved too - they are everywhere, watch for this, mdma, speed, ketamine )
My DS has lately come back on Sundays in quite a state, exhausted and moody, so we have said no more sleepovers for a while. If he returned looking well and happy we would be more relaxed!

We are trying to strike a balance of giving freedom and providing boundaries. Of course you can't lock them up, and like you, the one night we insisted on a phone no he just didn't come home.
Sorry I don't really have solutions- just give some freedom but keep a very watchful eye and try to keep dialogue open about drugs/implications of being arrested for possession etc.
I suppose they have to find their own way, make their own decisions/mistakes . Also it sounds like your DS is doing quite a lot right so lots to praise about.
Let's hope they grow up quick! Good luck.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Try and put it across that if there were an emergency you would need to.know where they were.

Sleepovers, fine, as long as you have the address incase of an emergency.

[flow4]

I went through this with DS1 when he was 14/15. It was very stressful. I tried but couldn't get 'mature conversations'. No logic worked because he thought he was invulnerable; no sanctions worked because this was more important to him than anything I could do.

I built a collection of his friends' numbers (because he called me from other people's phones sometimes) and if ever he didn't let me know where he was, I phoned round everyone I could think of. It didn't often help me find him, but the embarrassment factor meant that he learned to tell me where he was, usually. It wasn't ideal, but I was a bit desperate and it was just about the only thing I could think of.

For my DS, it was def all about power and independence: by the time he was 17.5 he was pretty reliable about telling me where he was... I think because he was no longer trying to prove to his mates that "I can do whatever I like; my mum can't stop me".

[purpleroses]

We had a similar situation with DSD last year, when she was 15. We tried the getting hold of friends parents approach, as she was clearly not telling us the truth about where she was some of the time. To be honest, it failed really. She made a fuss about handing them over, insisted it was "humiliating" for DP to phone a friend's parents, told further lies, refused to answer her phone, etc . And like your DS the only time she had a group of friends here was when we were away (and thought she was at her mum's). Like your DS, she's in many ways a mature young girl, organises her life successfully, holds down a part time job and gets great grades at school.

So now that she's 16 we're no longer asking for parents numbers, just that she must always let us know where she is (though this is quite often "I'm at X's house" when we have no idea who X is), and when she'll be back. And also that she's generally expected to be at home at least one night over the weekend (she lives with her mum Mon-Fri, and with us every weekend).

The other thing I'm trying is to take a bit of an interest in who her friends are - so I do always ask who she's been seeing, and try when possible to show I remember who they are and how she knows them. I'm trying to make it part of normal conversation rather than an inquisition. It's not entirely worked yet, and is a lot harder as a DSM than with your own DCs, but I'm hoping it will lead to her feeling generally comfortable telling us what she's up to in the future.